Things You Know better than to do, but do anyway!

There are some things you know not to do, like put your head in an oven, or handle rattlesnakes - though some people do, and they are in my opinion very stupid.  And there are those things  that you do, and know not to, but darn it all you do it anyway!  Like weigh yourself.  For those of you that are able to do this without psychotherapy (emphasis on psycho), stop reading now. That probably includes you, Ms. BOS (BUNS-O-STEEL), and you know who you are! Yes, I got out the old battle-scarred scale and hefted myself upon it - it groaned, it moaned, and then, in great protest, spit out an obscenity... which would supposedly be my weight.

I lost consciousness.

I awoke to Satan Incarnate's nappy breath - and I brushed his teeth yesterday!  Thank goodness #4 was napping, cuz I then stripped naked (not nekkid - which is naked and 'up to something').  I tried again.

The lights went out again... I smelled sulfur (the dog?), and felt faint;  My knees were weak and my tongue felt fuzzy - so hoping it wasn't the dog!!!!  What in blue blazes is wrong with the scale?  I removed my jewelry, plucked my remaining eyebrows (hypothyroidism - FUN), flossed my teeth, cleaned the wax out of my ears, exhaled, and tried again.

Some how the scale launched through the house like a frisbee!  Must be a paranormal spirit or something!!!  Run to check on #4 - remember I am naked, so crawl to her room, to make sure no one sees me through the windows - and apparently there is much to see!!! 

How can this be?  The shorts I purchased last week fit BETTER than when I bought them, I measure my hips and thighs - I have no idea where my waist is any more - BETTER.  Boobs, well, they're just bigger and better, but I don't complain about that.  ARMS?  Better.  So, why in the name of all that is low fat and still tasty does the scale say "the same"?????

I know, muscle weighs more than fat, you work out, just had a baby, blah blah blah!!!!  Why is my body ( includes evil thyroid gland) against me?  haven't I taken fairly decent care of it? Fed it, cleaned it, clothed it (some decades better than others)????  Why has it turned on me NOW!!!!  Do I not strive for adequate rest, healthy activities, good healthy organic when possible foods, dessert on occasion?  Do I not restrain from drinking crappy wine ( I am a wine snob)?  Do I not were SPF 5000, drink plenty of caffeinated diet soda, belly laugh hundreds of times daily????  Where is the love, I ask you?????? 

In the love handles. And right now, I am not lovin' anything.  I have resolved to throw all common sense and knowledge out the window: no more reasonable eating, no more balanced diet;  THIS IS WAR!!!!  I vow to myself to eat only Nutrigrain Bars, blueberry or strawberry, drink Diet Coke, and snack on air!!!!  No more 8 8oz glasses of water a day - the old methods are no longer applicable - this is NEW TERRITORY!!!!! UNCHARTED!!!!  I will stand or fidget while sitting during ALL waking hours; I will become a pacer.  I will literally RUN to the bathroom!  I will become the crazy walking lady around town (we really have a lady and a man who both walk constantly everywhere - mental issues, ya think?)!  All bets are off! WITH MY FELLOW BLOGGERS AS MY WITNESS, THE SCALE WILL NEVER LIE AGAIN!!!  

Because the only other possible reason for the insanity is that the scale is wrong.  ANd I am too tired to start walking - and DANG it is HOT out there this time of day - so I am gonna go with this one for now.  The scale is wrong!  But I'm gonna throw it away anyhow.