Those New Year Resolutions

For those of you that were not aware, I don't 'do' resolutions at the beginning of a New Year.  I feel like if you want to change something, then do it. No need to wait 'til January 1st, or Monday, or next week. Just get on it. 

But this year may be an exception.  Oh, yes, something happened to precipitate this; be patient, I'm getting to it.

Today I received a holiday greeting from my former boss at BRMC, a fellow dietitian. Not surprising, as we send Christmas cards every year, and the occasional birthday card... and that is all.  I have no other contact with her through out the year, except the incidental 'bump into at Wallies' or something like that.  So, no surprise.  This year, she'd written a lovely message inside and included what looked like a copy of a newspaper article - I thought perhaps something that made her think of me.  Oh,  was I apparently right.

Like me, she has a blog. Big surprise.  She suggested that I check it out sometime. Sure. No problem.  Or so I thought.  Then, I glanced at the article.  My jaw dropped. It was a full fledged article about the First Place 4 Health Christian weight loss program she directs in town, and a nice little note about how I might want to come.

I S*&@#$% YOU NOT!

She actually sent this to me, after seeing me maybe once IN A CHOIR ROBE ( not the most flattering attire ) since the birth of #4.  I weigh a little more than the pre-baby weight, but if you read carefully, you will see that I HAVE HAD THYROID PROBLEMS!

I stood in the kitchen totally speechless... totally.  I don't think I have ever told someone outright that they are a fatty and need to lose a few 'lb's'.  I don't think I ever would!  Weight is something very personal, and everyone has their own issues about their body and body image. But apparently, her 'boundaries' are not the same as mine, and she failed to see that suggesting I join The Biggest Loser via a Christmas card wasn't exactly sharing the spirit of Jesus!!!!

I am completely stunned and obviously offended.  The size of my derriere is my friggin' business, folks, and I would appreciate it staying that way.  (no talking amongst yourselves, hear?) The fact that the Hub has yet to pack my bags and load me onto an aircraft carrier headed to the Chunky Farm means that I am not at critical mass... yet. 

And so, I have decided to make a New Year's Resolution:

1. I resolve to take Miss "You look like two ton Tessie" off my Christmas Card list.  And I'm writing Santa.  And telling her mother, or God, whichever is easier to access.

And I'm thinking about sending her some type of nasty comment on her blog... just thinkin', mind you...

Twas the Night of Christmas

The eve of the 25th, the end of the day, the last dance, the last hooray... you follow? Well, I have come up with the twelve signs of a successful Christmas:

12. You are out of paper: wrapping, packaging, parcel, tissue, toilet - you name it, you're out!!!

11. You have hauled six trash bags to the garbage bins. (seriously. six.)

10. The bank called and said we need to have a 'come to Jesus meeting'.

9. The kids are glazed and dazed and speaking Wii speak from seven straight hours of Wii (singing: Wii wish you a Merry Christmas, Wii wish you a Merry Christmas...)

8. You find a tag from 'All of Us' to 'Satan Incarnate/ Mr. Peebody'. (this was NOT my idea)

7. You find a tag from 'Your loving family' to 'Fat Annie - we love you' (nine year old girls are very sentimental)

6. Dinner isn't an option; not tonight, and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

5. You blog in the same room with Fat Annie's 'sick' kennel, and her potty pads, and she's pooped, but you are too tired to clean it up, so you just sit there, typing, smelling...

4. Your kids haven't really fought all day because they are too busy playing (HALLELUJAH!!!!)

3. Said children have not asked to have a friend over (MIRACLES DO HAPPEN).

2. No phone call from your kids' pesky friends to play (THiS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS MIRACLE  E_V_E_R_!!!!! Can we do this eVEry day?  That's my grown-up Christmas wish)

And the Number One way to tell you have had a successful Christmas:

1. You find yourself eating the same cookies you made with the kids last night for Santa that you OD'ed on, swearing you never wanted to see a cookie or icing again; not only eating the cookies... but the BIGGEST one, dipped in the leftover icing!!!!!  I call THIS dinner!!!!!  I know,... I am your HERO!!!!!

Oh, and The Hub and I have been voted PARENTS OF THE YEAR - you lose!!!! Yep - the surprise Wii was a hit (please refer to list above), and a complete surprise!  the Masses know that the Hub and I don't really favor video games that just have you sit and stare, or that are violent - and since it is our job to determine and decide - we have, to date, only purchased Leapsters, and V-Tech video learning system.  After many months of thoughtful consideration, we spent another month investigating the Wii, and feel that it meets our specifications for safe and educational, and ACTIVE fun. Like anything, there will be rules as to when and how long we can play.  But they have it!!!!!  And not one of the older three requested the Wii - which made it even sweeter.

And on that note, the stench in here is nauseating, and I've gotta go clean up her mess.  Yes, tomorrow I call the vet to see if this is a side-effect of her injuries. Anything to excuse her complete lack of consideration to my olfactory sense or new carpet!

Fa la la la la (burp)

Yes, I may need some serious alcohol by the time New Year's rolls around. Not everyday one gets to find an errant hammie, carry the injured dog out four times to potty, carry the other dog, Mr. Pee-body aka Satan Incarnate, out to the 'potty' about 5 million times, change baby's poopy diaper twice (countless pee diapies), and feed the Masses and all of the fur family to boot!!!  Can you say Wonder Woman (oh, and yes, I would have satin tights - with diamonds, baby!)  

All in all, I'd say that I have been a VERY GOOD GIRL!!!!!  

WOW!!!! Fat Annie has some serious gas - shew-eee!!!!  Guess all that pain medicine and lack of activity has made her a little gassy? M-E-R-C-Y!!!!!!!!!!!!  Someone get me a gas mask - gasp!  AAAACCKKK - I'm suffocating in here!!!!!!

Well, through the cloud of green farts I can see to type to tell you that I am almost ready for the Big Holiday.  And, really, who doesn't know which one I am referring to?  I figured out why the Catholic/ Orthodox church chose December as the time to celebrate this giant holiday.  Oh, you know you are on pins and needles waiting to hear my crazy explanation.  OK, here it is:

If we had to start the year off with this kind of celebration, we'd just give up. We couldn't get bigger and better all year - too exhausting!  Really - does the 4th 'take it out of you' physically and financially the way Christmas does?  Have you ever uttered the words:' if I can just make through Labor day to Halloween, I think I can relax then?' 

NO. YOU HAVE NOT.  No one has. Because those holidays aren't celebrated to the extent that the birth of Jesus is.

Question is, why don't we make a bigger deal of the Resurrection - after all, if He'd stayed dead, He'd have just been another prophet...

TIs the Season to Be Moo-ing

Well, I missed a fun holiday party last evening - one that we could take the kiddies to - because we had two fevers, one case of the die-ugh-ree, and two pink eyes. So, the hostess a darling wisp of a gal, brought us leftovers!!! Now ain't she sweet?  I'm on to her sinister plot though,... take the leftovers to the Wilsons so that THEY can get all piggy and fat, not me! Well... it's working.

No sooner had she started her car than the Masses began circling me like vultures over a dying rabbit.  What's that? Is that for us? I'm hungry! And on and on until after sixty seconds of the constant verbal abuse I caved and heated 'em up and served the fam.  Yumity -yum-yum-yum... and MOO MOO MOO!  

Amazingly, my kids ate artichoke dip, stuffed mushrooms, dip on their fruit,  crazy, huh?  Now we all know that if I'd have spent hours slaving over a hot stove, whipping and tossing, sauteing and stuffing, that not one of the Masses would have touched a bite - they'd have rather starved!!!  But, since this delightful and dear gal made it, it is the food of the angels above (which we thought so too, but mentioning that doesn't help my point here).  Fickle little devils!!!  Thank goodness I have more delicacies for tomorrow night - yeah me!!!

And in other news:  Fat Annie Found at Local Animal Hospital

Fat Annie was located, thanks to the diligent work of her owner, at a local vet clinic.  She was struck by a car in her escapades Saturday evening, and carried to the clinic by a concerned citizen.  Fat Annie suffered a fractured pelvis, but is expected to make a full recovery in a few weeks; until then, she will remain at home with her loving family.  Thanks again to the wonderful couple who rescued her and sought medical care for her.  "We are using this time to renew our bonds with Fat Annie and help her heal. We are all here for her", commented fantastic owner. Good luck, Fat Annie.

Gotta go pet my doggie...

The Chronicles of Ninnia

So, folks, I hereby claim this title: "The Chronicles of Ninnia" for my up and coming book, which I thank all of you working so hard and definitely overtime to secure the deal (get on it Andrea - work it, girl, work it!)  Last night, the Hub misspoke when asking me if I'd like to watch the Chronicles of Narnia, the fantastic series which will no doubt pale in comparison to my epic tale.  Seriously.  And, the title was born!  So, I am going to print off all these blogs and emails, and voila - a book! Better camp out now for your signed copy!!!!

And update on the War of the Sisters: Former SSF signed me up for an AARP membership, and I laughed so hard I cried!!!!  She's the one people think is MY mother!!!! Ha ha ha ha!!!!!  I'm thinking hard, my friends - so hilarious!!!!  I can count 5, maybe 6 times she's been referred to as my mom or someone else's mom... hee hee hee!!!!!  In fact, it happened so many times in one week that it kind of sent her into a crisis: new hair style, new exercise kick, new paranoia... she always thinks I am looking at the top of her head.  She is just very reserved on first impressions; not surprised she knew the AARP website so well, though!

On other news: Fat Annie Still At Large!

Yes, I spent the better part of the day calling radio stations, the paper, the local vets, and the animal shelters looking for a lost, portly, female beagle, to no avail.  The Hub reassures me that most likely some benevolent soul with closets full of dog food is sheltering her during this arctic storm, and that she is warm and happy, and happily eating THEIR furniture.  I'm OK with this illusion; I do hope she's OK though.... Our gate, which is routinely climbed OVER rather than OPENED by two or three boys and a few girls, blew open in Saturday night's winds - Fat Annie the Very Bad Dog took it as a sign from God to 'run, Annie, run'! And she did.  Since she's a hound dog, I would think she could smell her way home (she leaves enough pee-mail when we go on walks), but she isn't done 'ho-ing' around I suppose. Ho Ho Ho!!!  

Keep praying she comes back - I feel like we should try to take good care of her,... and I don't want to hear #1 bawl about this for weeks!  There goes MORE money for the therapy fund, sheesh!!! "And I remember when our dog ran away during an ice storm, and she NEVER CAME BACK  (breaking down into sobs)!!!!!"  

I don't need more guilt,... really.  Well, gotta go plot revenge ...

The Great Panty Raid

I have a few things that particularly delight me:

the baby belly-laughing

me belly-laughing

the fresh, crisp taste of a Sonic Route 44 Diet Coke, especially at Happy Hour

a delightful glass of La Crema Chardonnay (can you say 'smooth and buttery'?)

my kids playing nicely together

a scrapbook magazine in the mailbox

I only go to the mailbox anymore with the hopes that I'll be rewarded for my walk with a nice, new, crisp (very into crisp, evidently) scrapbooking magazine waiting anxiously to be read ( and I bet they are anxious to be opened, folks).  I have been known to disappointedly put the mail back in the box because it wasn't what I wanted; I do eventually bring the mail in after a few disappointing days, to make room in the mailbox for a magazine, of course!!!

So, today, my dear friend Sister Lunch Lady (oh, and she needs to be sooooo glad that I didn't change her back to Sister Whoopi after yesterday at the Spa and today's evil-doing!  Just shows how unbelievable GREAT and FORGIVING I am!) was with me and I pulled the passenger side of the UDM, where she was sitting, up to The Box, and asked her to please grab my mail.  And low and behold to my wondering eyes what did appear, but a Creating Keepsakes my dear (had to make it rhyme.)!!!!  Well, Sister Sticky Fingers thieved, denied it, and I sooooo busted her!!!!  What kind of friend, let alone Sister, repays your love and kindness by stealing one of the things that brings you the most joy?  Sister Sticky Fingers (aka, Whoopi, and Lunch Lady) that's who!  So, I did the only thing I knew to do...

I stole her panties. Not just one pair... all of them... the clean ones, that is.  See, she is at a Christmas party and not at home, and her darling daughter was babysitting for me and I had to drive her home.  And I stole each and every pair of skivvies she owns - which it turns out is quite a few... I have never seen such a crammed full panty drawer!!! She probably only has to wash once a month, or once a year!!!!  It filled a 13 gallon Hefty Tall Kitchen Garbage Bag!  THat is some serious panty action, there my friends!

Oh, I left a note, for sure! Can't wait 'til she finds them ALL GONE tomorrow morning!!!  Paybacks are hell, and so is commando on a cold (think 27 degrees) December morning...

Loggiarrhea

I obviously have no idea how to spell this REAL condition that I had referred to prior 'til now as 'diarrhea of the mouth': a condition of not being able to stop talking, often to the point of revealing private, or ANY, information about other people entrusted to the speaker.  My FIL informed me that this is a TRUE and REAL diagnosis, and my daughter and sons (#4 isn't saying much, but she does make noise...) have it. In fact, once I learn how to correctly spell it, I'm going to start a support group!

I'm thinking about the Loggiarrhea Silence Center.  What do ya think? Frankly, I'm up for those zero noise earphones after a roadtrip with FOUR children.  

And, I've developed the necessary 'White Trash-ism': it shall be called 'The Loj-ah-ree"!  

My work here is done!!!!  And now, for a moment of silence...

Food and Whine

So, toady I receive my monthly edition of Food and Wine. I am not really sure why I still get this magazine - I rarely have time to read it, and it isn't like anyone besides myself and the Hub would eat these lovely gourmet meals.  But I still get it; so, today's cover boasted easy to prepare, simple meals we MUST try!!!!  Ok, maybe they used fewer exclamation points.

Anyway, I flipped through the periodical to the desired section, where I found exactly ONE recipe that I thought would not be a complete waste of time!  First, many of these delightful recipes feature shellfish - big no-no for us because #3 is allergic to shellfish (I no longer steam lobster tails).  Secondly, because I basically live in a very scenic and attractive middle-of-nowhere small town, I couldn't find this and that 'fresh' if my life depended on it. I can just imagine asking the butcher for a squab!  Anyway, I think I hang on to this hobby of the past because it makes me feel somewhat glamorous, less 'wipe the dried animal cracker sludge off my back', you know?

There will be a time for the fine china and silver, it just isn't now. Now is for teaching the masses to sit to eat, chew with their mouthes closed, ask politely for things at the table, wait until Mom sits down before you start eating, use a fork... no, not which fork to use, I mean literally USE A FORK!  Things such as keep your feet off the table are important right now.  China comes later.

So, I also have to tell you what I heard some tweens talking about last night: their MySpace accounts, or lack of, and who's been cyber-stalked. Nice!  Apparently it is prestigious to claim stalking.  Of course, none of these little munchkins fully understands that they are perishable... but their parents do.  No doubt, most of these girlies are telling a tall tale about their cyber-stalker; but it makes me wonder about society today when our youth consider it cool to have your health and well-being (or LIFE) threatened?  I think it's time to cut back on the boob-tube, and you-tube, and any other 'tubes'.  And do their parents know? At least two girls had MySpace pages that their folks were unaware of, and one girl was going to get one without permission.  They also discussed who'd had their first kiss.  Again, don't remember this being such a huge deal....  SO, moms and dads, keep your eyes and ears, and cyber-senses alert - and the porch light ON - hey, I can flicker mine!!!!