Catching up

I must admit that so much time has passed since I last typed a nice long thesis of thought, that I am not really at aloss for ideas... more like a surplus,... a surplus stored in a very disorganized warehouse with a poor inventory system; translate: I have had so many thoughts to share that I thought I would remember, that I can't remember them now that I want them.  Very sad, and very disturbing!  I bought my nice new Notebook thinking that "at last I will write this book that for many years now people have said I should write". And now, what am I supposed to write?

Let's start with Sybil. Get comfy - we'll be here a while!  I am quit proud that she's moved on to a new personality (must sign legal papers now for the Hub - please hold). For a while, she stagnated at seven (some consider this a lucky number, but I have no real favorite).  I must retrieve the list (we Scrapheads named them at our last soiree); and  a glass of white, and maybe a snack, and the cordless, and the baby monitor; all set, how bout you?

Number One: Cinderella

What a lovely little lady - I actually call her back when Cinderella leaves the message (you bet I screen my calls!)  Everything is sunny, and happy, and bright, and all is right with the world - la la la la dee dah!!!!  This is a nice place for her to be - if only she'd take the correct medicine to stay here (sigh)!

Number Two: Cruella

Mean. Just mean AND nasty. Not a good person to get stuck on an elevator with!  Usually, Cruella follows Number Three, but she likes to hang out for a long time... sometimes a really long time.  She's the one to have lined me up in front of her closet and told me how old EACH PIECE of clothing was - yes, this is true, and yes it was painful.  We DO NOT call her back - EVER!!!!

Number Three: Myrtle the Martyr

Most of the time, Myrtle the Martyr precedes Cruella, but the two can flip-flop, sometimes multiple times in one conversation (sometimes I am totally stupid and answer the phone without checking the  caller ID and have the torturous task of getting off the phone which, in the best of circumstances, takes nigh on an hour).  MM feels everyone is against her and hers; we are talking PARANOIA to the MAX!!!!   Best leave reason out of it cause she'll argue WHEN YOU AGREE WITH HER... because she thinks we are all out to get her!!!!  Again, I try not to answer these calls, return these calls, or talk to her until she's out of this personality. However, prolonged MM blends right into the Number Four, and that isn't good for anybody.

Number Four: Patty Pathetic

WOW! Talk about one big fat pitty party - this is it!! Commonly heard are the statements:"I don't know if I can take this much longer", "I don't know if I can go on", "I don't know why I even bother", and my personal favorite " I sometimes think they'd be better off without me"!!!!  Add a little crying for drama, and the Emmy goes to..... I sound callous, but I've fallen for this personality performance enough to know that it'll probably cycle back on around to Cruella or MM; no use answering the phone for a while!

Number Five: Martha Steart

She is the expert and authority on everyone and everything, especially whatever you are currently getting your PhD in, because she knows it all, and has done it all, and she wants you to know about it!  Best to just say how interesting that is, be happy to try that, thanks for the ideas, what a great experience that must have been... blah blah blah.  I get my magazine skimming and internet shopping done during the conversations. (In case you wonder why I am not ambushed daily by Sybil at my house, I live 12 hours by car from her - for a reason.)

Number Six: Cheerleader Kelly

Kelly appeared in 2004, and is one of the newer members of Sybil's repertoire!  She's lively, animated, and personal. She talks as if she had dinner with the players last night, and was invited into the locker room for the post game celebration!!!  She quotes stats and scores, history and coaching strategies - very disturbing overall because she (Sybil) was not much of a sports fan in college.  Kelly and I got to know each other well over a 14 month time period where she is the only personality I talked with - the others were scarred, and for good reason; I told them I wasn't gonna deal with their nonsense anymore (no sirree Bob), and that's the short version of how Kelly was born.  THe long version involves an hysterical phone call from MM and me almost calling the police for her.  We'll have no more of that nonsense, now will we!!!!! As you can see, I had to develop a "Do Not Puke On Me Policy" - I'd be happy to share the insiders track for anyone in need!

Number Seven: Saint Agnes

This is the one personality I have yet to meet. In fact, I didn't even know she existed until about two years ago.  Perhaps she'd been there all along, but just hadn't manifested; or she developed to counter Cruella, MM, and Patty Pathetic.  Either way, I have yet to make her acquaintance. She is, by reputation, delightful, helpful, kind, compassionate, giving, LOVING (you see my surprise, don't you), and the kind of person I would enjoy being friends with.  Let me restate this: I have known Sybil all my life and I have NEVER MET THIS PERSON!!!!!!

EVER!!!!!! NOT ONCE!!!!!!!

Finally, Number Eight: Buffey

The female version of my 75 year-old father, who is so OCD/anal retentive (I actually told him this and had to define 'anal retentive ' for him. Seriously, this man ruined shopping at Sam's for me because he was compulsively into buying toilet paper in bulk, and it almost made him hyperventilate!!!!  Also, he ruined camping for me - but that requires too much professional therapy to describe - I just can't go there yet! Not ready!!!)  She putters around, jabbering about ...stuff... like, I stopped listening OK? Just an uh-huh here and there, with a 'really' ?/! when appropriate.  Nothing is fast. Nothing. And she obsesses about the laundry. Please see earlier blog; I think the washer may need a round of ABX, know what I mean?  OK, that was bad - funny, but bad!!!!  And reads me recipes... while I'm driving, or reading, or pooping, or basically anything that would interfere with writing them down; I think she hopes I'll call her back for them and we can have a nice chat or something; ain't happenin' - I know too much!!!  In fact, I sometimes tell her I am writing them down just to get it over with... one more thing I'll be roasting marshmallows for, if ya know what I mean! 

I was amazed at how OLD she looked, too.  I think I look pretty decent for my age - don't ask me my age, I won't ask your weight; fair enough - but she looked WAY older than I think she should have. Must be all the 'spin cycles' HA HA HA HA!!!!!!  Or perhaps all her personalities have different ages, and when you average them, it isn't in her favor!  That's a real bummer there!!!!!

Must go now: #3 watching a movie, #4 sleeping, and #2 downstairs with a friend who's spending the night (sure hate for his mom to think all I did was blog all night); #1 at a friend's house. Nightie-night ya'll!!!