Saturday, August 30, 2008

On the Subject of my Heredity

Today I had a SHOCKING discovery:  My father is a redneck!!!!  Lo, all these many years, I thought he was simply born in a small country Texas town, and, realizing he was a misfit, rose above the dirt backroads to become a respected US Gov't Lawyer (yes, lawyers can be respected, sometimes), living in the Big City of Fort Worth with his intelligent, beautiful Junior League wife (she was the daughter of a small town farmer... hmmmm....).  I was sooooo wrong!

I received an email today from DOD (dear ol' Dad), and in reply he shared some details from his childhood most alarming: skunk spraying, cow milking, hog raising, chicken feeding, coon hunting (complete with coon hounds), FFA membership,... oh, the list goes on!!!!

Now, I'd heard the hog raising stories, and the FFA membership, but never with the amount of pride echoing in his voice, the nostalgic tears brimming in his eyes, no doubt!  I thought he went to the ballet/symphony/theatre because he loved it - no, it's all a sham!!!!!!!  He's a redneck who after 75 years has steadfastly REFUSED TO BUY A FOREIGN CAR (except a few years with a lemon Mercedes for Mom, which made up his mind for all eternity - so I thought - that any motor vehicle conceptualized on another continent was evil and probably made by the Taliban)  NOW DRIVES A BRIGHT YELLOW NISSAN XTERRA!!!!!!  

THIS IS NOT THE FATHER WHO RAISED ME!  APPARENTLY , AGE HAS BROUGHT SENILITY AND IT ISN'T GOING TO BE PRETTY!!!!!!!!!

He's spiraled quickly, as the car was a recent purchase.  Prior to, he's drivena firetruck red Ford with fondness and pride.  Where was this man when I was growing up?  The Nana wants a Lexus, and he said he would rather BUY HER A TOYOTA!!!!  It's like comparing Pink Lady apples with Braeburn - what's the difference!!!!! They're Both apples!!!!

I'm definitely going to need that therapy now - he is no longer the stubborn opinionated man he once was!  He's willing to yield a little, maybe a lot, and venture into the world of foreign vehicles - this from the man who ridiculed me when I bought a little Honda sports coupe years ago (oh, long since traded in for the Sterling transportation choice of all mothers, the Minivan!).  I could have used a little flexability YEARS ago when I wanted to apply to more than one college (not everyone Wants to go to Baylor).  But that's in the past, this is the future.

And these are uncharted waters, the open road, the high seas!  Did I mention that I get car and seasick?


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

No comment?

What? Cat got your tongue? Speechless? HA! I know you gals, and you ain't speechless, that's for sure!  So, tonight, I decided to check the site, and see what type of snarky replies and witty comments you have for me, and what was I greeted with?  Cyber-silence.  It sounds like this:"           ", only a lot longer, and quieter (lonely, I'm so lonely....).  Seriously.  I provide a forum for all your fodder, and what do I get in thanks?  "         ". What do you have to say for yourselves?  Nothing?  I thought so!  All these opinions and ideas, rotting inside the prisons of your mind - OK, that was a little dramatic, but it could be true!  So, start talkin', dang it!  Be funny! Be brilliant! Be YOU! (Now, don't you feel inspired?)  Start typing. I'll be checking tomorrow.  This assignment is due by the end of the week.  Hop to it.  And I'll KNOW if you slack off and procrastinate, Missy!!!

NOW!!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Another Addendum

We also add chiggerfest to tickfest, and we are totally infested; way to go Hub!  He came home with some remedies for this whole problem: 1) apply baby oil to skin prior to rolling in ticks and chiggers and basically inviting them to feast on your live flesh 2) if they attack, which they will, use hairspray to suffocate them!  Now, can't you see a whole posse of boyscouts carrying baby oil and hairspray into the woods??????  How and WHY did someone figure this out????? There's gotta be more to this story....

Addendum

I forgot to mention that I also ordered the body to with the panties! 'Yeah' for me!!!!!

More and More panties

Wow! There may not be any comments on this site, but you gals and the Hair Guru (if you are reading, which you should be), have a lot to say about the panties!!!  I've had phone calls and emails, and it appears our undergarments are quite the hot topic, and I don't mean just with out significant others!

You'll be happy to know that I purchased some new panties today in the CORRECT size and a variety of eye-pleasing colors, and that they will be delivered soon.  From where? Well, I felt like I was going to a porn site once I got there b/c of all the mostly naked, provocatively posed anorexic air-brushed (AMEN!!!!) barely adolescent girls modeling their undergarments and such (I use this term loosely).  I went to Vicky's, of course, and I do believe that I may have developed a bit of prudishness - I was a little offended by how much flesh I saw proudly and freely displayed! What ever happened to the power of suggestion and a healthy imagination? This is definitely not a site I want the Hub going to - I'll buy my own hot'n heavy duds, thank you very much!!!  

Seriously, does it stretch the mind so much to conjure uses for some lacey fabric about 2 inches square?  And what about the average female body prancing around in this 2 square inches of fabric, compared to the mental image of the perfect 'I-haven't-eaten-since-Clinton-was-in-office' body with the face of an 18 y/o angel?  I would like to see a real woman that's had several kids (a few by C-section) in this stuff, so I can get an ACCURATE picture of how good or bad I will look. I don't think that's asking too much.  If I dare be so bold, I demand it!!!

So, I want to start a grass roots movement ! Oh, I think I just did - we need to get the message out that we want real women in real advertising! Normal, healthy gals with zest for life and the desire to wear great panties!  So, girls, pick your style, pick your color, pick your place! 

FYI: as the founder of this grass roots movement, I am under no obligation to model panties, undies, or skivvies, nor am I legally responsible for anyone who chooses to do so on behalf of this movement. All restrictions apply.


Monday, August 25, 2008

The Sizing of the Underwear Issue

Yes, it is still an issue. So, I tell the Hub before bed about the whole panty problem, and he asks me how undies are sized... really?  I then realized that I buy his skivvies, so he has no clue.  I thought about this for a moment and began to giggle, he began to snore. I saved it for you.

Most people would think that it would be S, M, and L, and they would be wrong!

See, the sizing thing has more to do with the styles and the way a woman feels about her body. How so?  Well, let's take a look at the classic example: the thong.  This is no more a piece of underwear than a pool noodle is a lifejacket!  Women who wear a thong feel GOOOOODDD about themselves, and their posterior region.  They don't mind a fresh breeze coolin' things off one darn bit.  They don't actually NEED panties, so why on earth would they need a panty liner?  Oh, come on - you know you've seen the box in the girlie aisle and thought "if you need a liner with a thong, then today is NOT the day to wear a thong!" Amen?

And the hipster is a classic example of undies for a girl who likes to be a little trendy but not defloss herself on a regular basis; same with the bikini - only this chickie has less post-baby belly hang to reign in, if any at all.  I have a sneaky suspicion that the thong girls and the bikini babes mix a lot; bet you'd find BOTH in their drawers!!!

And there's the granny panty girl (can she be called that?). She takes total comfort over fashion, and may have no interest what-so-ever in trendy dress.  SHe may also be at the age where she doesn't suspect anyone will be peekin' at her bloomers, let alone ripping them off with his teeth!  She may not remember the last time that happened,... if ever!!!  These are not recommended clothesline fodder... they block the sun!

And what about the Spanks or 'birdles'; well, ladies, we all need a pair at one time or another, so I see no fault here - just plain old realism!

Oh, and the Hub says he DOES know how to buy skivvies for men folk, just didn't have a clue about how the women folks' breeches were sized. I'd suggest he err on the side of wild, and NEVER buy the granny panties for me!!!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

On the Subject of Personal Matters

I need new panties. Seriously. If I were to be in an accident, I wouldn't have to worry about them being cut off, they'd disintegrate in the ER teams hands.  This is NOT the way I want to be remembered!  I haven't bought new panties, with the exception of the 'birdle' (the under the bra to thigh ultra control device I wore after the C-section), since #3.  Face it - it's time.

So, I went to the site that Sybil recommended as the 'best most comfortable, no panty line, no riding up place' for skivvies.  And I must confess, they did look comfortable on the anorexic model displayed on my computer monitor.  So, I decided to give 'em a try - why not?  I select my size, based on the handy pop-up sizing chart, and the colors that I think will most fit my wardrobe, and press enter... and a little message flashes up: panties run small, order one size up!

WHAT!!!!!!??????????????

I look around the room - is there a hidden camera? Do they think I'm lying? Is some little lady around the world in an internet control room saying to her little friend: " No way!! Her butt bigger than THAT!!!!"

And why would I want to ORDER ONE SIZE UP?  These are my UDNERGARMENTS, for cryin' out loud!  One has to pick the correct size or suffer irreparable damage from a terminal wedgie!!!  Jeans, you can SQUEEZE into, ... but panties? No way.  And I know Stacy and Clinton say its not the size, but the fit,... but who are they kidding?  I'm not fooled!  A girl gets to feelin' all good about herself thinking, yea, I'm gonna need me this here size... not too shabby,... be lookin' mighty fine.... ANd then - WhAMMO! PSYCH! (oh, the '80's were good weren't they?)  Now you're one size up and that just mentally makes your biscuits grow.  I went and looked at my hiney (not naked, good heavens, I'm crazy not stupid!), and I swear it was larger than it was this morning!!!! Wrong!  Now, back to our accident scene: I'd be frightened of being in an accident, and the ER staff thinking I'm one size,... but wait! Her panties are a size larger!  The psychological damage alone from ordering one size up, could set me back years in therapy - which I haven't started yet, but, really, isn't it inevitable?

TRUST ME - SIZE DOES MATTER, ESPECIALLY WITH REGARDS TO PANTIES!!!!!!!!!!  NO ONE WANTS TO BE THE WEARER OF GRANNY PANTIES!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like Sybil's had it in for me all along - shocking? I think not.  And as for new undies? I think not. So I'm gonna wash my hole-y panties so I have some for tomorrow. WHich, by the way are the appropriate size, not that I can still read the label, but I do remember, oh yes I do! Doesn't feel like a 'commando' day to me.

Our Haunted House

No, our home wasn't build over an ancient graveyard, but I do believe there are other forces at work here, besides the Masses - their work is REALLY recognizable!  By now, if you read my blog, ya either think I am a) crazy, b) witty and should have my own multimillion dollar book deal, or c) am just a stay @home mom trying to find an outlet for all the whirling thoughts in my mind.  But all this aside, there is definitely something strange going on in the basement.

When we finished the basement 7 1/2 years ago, the Hub needed a big screen TV (apparently he preferred Barney and Teletubbies lifesized!); he also needed surround sound - we didn't have four kids yet, and were unaware of how nice the quiet really is.  So, we contacted Brad's Home Entertainment (OK, I just realized that that would be great covert name for a male escort service, "why go out when you could stay in!" - SORRY!), and these gentlemen put all the DVD players and sound stuff, and cable etc, on to ONE REMOTE which I have never been able to use properly - except for the first day - no kidding. Never. The stupid TV will not turn on for me.  I loathe it!

But, it will turn on by itself. That's right. All. By. Its. Self.  And it has been doing this since we had it installed!  But, it doesn't manifest its powers the same every time. How do I mean?  Oh, please, please let me explain!!

First, it started with sound only - I'd be home... alone... and I'd hear the TV come on to some show, yes a show, BUT NO PICTURE (du duh duuuuhhh!).  And only when I was home alone, never with just Matt here (the toddlers don't count - they're ALWAYS here).  Odd.  Then, I'd get sound AND picture - yippee!!  Matt thought I was CRAZY!  But, when we moved to Dallas for a year,... no strange TV happenin's.  Did they resume when we returned? Oh, yes they did!  And so we had Brad's come out again to see if they could straighten it out.  No issue for them though - our ghosts are smart!  

Now, the ghosts are really ticked that I've become complacent about their presence, and have switched to black fuzzy screen mode on maximum volume, and they hid the universal remote!!! This is really quite irritating, as I have to truck downstairs to turn off the TV and the thousand or so things hooked up to it,... I'm willing to call a truce, but so far the ghosties ain't negotiating.  

So, today I drew the proverbial line in the carpet... i only turned half of the things off, and the volume DOWN! Ha! That'll show 'em I mean business!!!!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

On the Subject of The Hub's Fitness Fanatacisms

The Hub comes up with a 'new' fitness obsession about twice yearly, once in the spring, and once in the fall - usually.  He doesn't have much time to exercise during the week, and up until the past three years had just stuck to the weekend warrior role, but that changed - maybe four years ago? - around the time I conceived #3, and I remember MANY nauseated (me, not the walk) strolls with the Masses and the Hub.  Then came the hiking craze; oh, yes, I've bjorned my way through many an adventure after #3 arrived. And now we've moved on to yet another new, and exciting phase!

Apparently, since I 'stay at home', I have oodles and oodles of time to work-out; and since #3 JUST started going to Montessori 3 days a week last week, I've had my fair share of walks with him, and yoga (which he does like), and TurboJam (again, popular also with the 7 and under crowd).  I am also unbelievable skilled in using the elliptical trainer while he hangs from the handles or jumps off the cabinets - neither of which I approve of, all of which are apparently signaled in his little brain by the hum of the elliptical trainer!  The Hub seems to be a bit jealous of my two hours a week with the Medieval Torture Specialist, but I can guarantee that'd change if he could feel what I feel right now (my legs are numb with pain, and I am afraid to sit on the potty for fear that I'll be here 'til the Masses and the Hub return from their outing).

So, it's biking and hiking. THe new phase, that is.  So  today I decided that I ought to try out his bike, as I haven't been on one since college, and that was a tandem bike race.  Went pretty well. Before that, I power walked for 40 minutes - this is just walking really fast but trying not to look really dorky doing it (no excessive arm swinging, but some butt clenching - gotta do what ya gotta do).  THen, we dressed the Masses, and the Hub took us for some "FAMILY FUN".  We all know this is code for Family Pain and Suffering (FPS), and no one is spared, even poor #4 who is only 7 months old (and pulling up already - yes, we discussed how wrong that is... NO EARLY WALKING!!!!!!).  Hub had ordered a book about Family Hikes, and READ IT (though I read the parenting books,... and just tell him what to do -HMMMM - he CAN read!!!), and picked out a place 10 minutes away to go 'hiking'.

We expected a little dirt path, park like setting, a stream, some ducks and other assorted wildlife,... and we were so wrong!  We DID use sunscreen and bug spray (thanks, Andrea), but I have to confess I fear that there are some mutant bugs out there - read on to see why.  SO, I strap #4 into the hip hammock for our .9 mile 'hike'.  ONE AND A HALF HOT SWEATIN' KIDS GRIPIN' AND CRYIN' SEED TICK SWARMING HOUR LATER WE MADE IT BACK TO THE CAR... WITH EVERY STINKIN' SEED TICK ATTACHED!!!!!!!!!!!!

#3 had them literally SWARMING on his legs - too freaky!!!! - at one point, and .9 mile my hiney!  We truly hiked through a FOREST - trail marked only by blue stripes painted on the trees!!!  I think the book The Hub read was a little, um, MISLEADING????!!!!!

We returned to the car, wiped up the kids (#4 was PTL spared the tickfest), and proceed to drive home... when the tickies jumped from my jeans to my arms, face, and shirt!  I started slappin, and swattin, and all the while tryin to maintain a smile so I don't look like the big whiner - they were crawling on the seat!!!!!! EEEWWWWW!!!!!!!!

FYI - bathing in medicated shampoo does a nice job of halting tickfest (we used Selsum Blue, which we had on hand for #4's persistent cradle cap );  this may only apply to seed ticks.  Also, baby wipes will help get 'em off 'til you can get home and shampoo all your tick-y parts.

So, the Hub did admit that his idea was a big old bomb - old meaning of the word, here, and that I ought to have and use some veto power when he comes up with these fab ideas!  Finally, after 12 years.... So, now I have to go take some Motrin and apply a little Caladryl,... gonna be a long phase - just a feeling!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

On the Subject of the Previous Post

The Previous Post may be offensive to parents and grandparents everywhere; we do apologize in advance but are unable to retract our statements, as we believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are right.  Proceed with caution! (and who is "we", anyway? last time I looked I was BY MYSELF!  too much DC, you wonder?)

Baby Olympics

As I drifted in and out of sleep last night nursing #4, and having spent endless hours with the '08 Olympics playing so I can catch some of it as I buzz in and out of the room, I realized that we, The Wilsons, had us an Olympic Champion of our own, right here in our humble little town!  In fact, seeing as how much of a champion she is, we would need to create our own games,... just for her!!!

I've come up with four categories, much like the women's gymnastics has; here are mine, and the reasons that #4 is really the Baby Olympic All Around Gold Medalist (unbiased, objective, and 100% certifiably true and organic):

1) Vaulting, or Soaring Beauty: #4 is definitely a perfect 10 (on a scale of 1 being 'why did you bother entering?' to 10 being 'did it hurt when you fell from heaven?').  NOTE: there's really no need for discussion here; I know of no one who could possibly say otherwise, and if they did they'd be a big fat liar.  She's angelic gorgeous. Someone thought she was a DOLL, she's so perfect!!!  Wow! I feel better already!

2) Uneven Bars, or Pulling Up: once again... champion!!!!  At 7 months she's pulling up (I must admit that this is totally not kosher with me; so, now that she's won, we won't need to worry about her walking early b/c she'll never touch the ground again,... or until she's 1.  Seriously. Not joking. At. All.)

3) Beam-ing Smile: OMG!!! Once again, she has the big 1-0!!!!! Seriously, she crinkles her tiny button of a nose and does this little 'sniffy' thing that just eats you up all over with joy!!!!  Complete strangers (with exceptionally great, wonderful, knowledgeable taste) tell me how beautifully angelic her darling smile is - sickening but oh, so true!!! (OK, I must confess that I'm making myself a wee big nauseated, but I will forge on in pursuit of journalistic truth and excellence, and because I feel this incredible OCD urge to finish what I started, no matter how bad.)

4) Floor Exercise: Perfect 10!!!! No one is cuter, or has been, ever,... in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD (thick enough?) crawling across the floor, singing her little babbly songs, and shoving any and everything into her adorable toothless mouth!

ANd that clinches it, folks, the winner of the '08 Baby Olympics,... aw, shucks, the Forever Into Infinite Baby Olympics All Around Gold, nawww, Platinum Medal is (drum roll, and really good theme music - like, maybe the Olympic theme song?),... #4!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the crowd going wild, just wild, I tell you! The riot sticks are comin' out! People are shouting, crying, and throwing money, ... YO! HUB! Grab some of that dough, baby!)

And if you don't like my version of the Baby Olympics, too bad,... make up your own! THese are mine! ANd she's a WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( Again, one of those days when I wonder if one can really drink too much Diet Coke - and if I'm proof. Just a thought.)

Autographs are $10, BTW. (hers, not mine, dorko!)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

On the Subject of School and the Glory of Sending Your Children

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  I'm practicing for tomorrow morning when I drop #3 off at Montessori, and drive home to the nice quiet house with just the babe ... I'm a little teary thinking about it!  I am now well past any guilt I briefly felt for not homeschooling my children; let's face it, I need there to be someone else (or two or three) to blame for screwing them up besides me, OK?  I think the time I spend with them (which is more than average) is PLENTY of time to do some serious damage!  

I have a sinking feeling some of that damage is directly related to the extent of my sarcasm; I have finely honed this skill so that I am now unable to differentiate my sarcasm from, well, anything.  I seriously do not think I could have a conversation without it - I think this is one of those nature vs. nurture questions,... and I'm pretty sure I've got the genetic mutation goin' on!!!  And as for the environment I was raised in?  Have you ever heard me talk about these people?!  THESE ARE NOT LIES, I TELL YOU!!!!

Anyway, my daughter seems to have inherited my disorder, and as she grows is starting to develop her own sense of sarcasm - which is fun to watch, unless it is directed at me, and then it isn't so fun - it's SASSY, and that ain't gonna work, homey.  But, nonetheless, the Hub and I are having a blast now that she's getting some of our twisted, sick humor!  

And this led me to contemplate what life would be like WITHOUT sarcasm (gasp!).  Is this possible, you ask?  Yes, and I have the person to prove it: The Black Widow.  I realized why she cannot get along with this family (OK, the fam is totally awesome, she's disturbed - but read on - don't want to spoil the fun!).  I thought all these years she had no sense of humor - like, she is physically incapable of smiling; she has no ability to experience joy, happiness, a belly laugh,... so depressing to think about, isn't it?  FOr the record, I have never seen her laugh. Really. No kiddin' here. Ever. No. Laughing. Allowed.  I had managed to find a place in my heart to pity her b/c she was born with the genetic mutation of her emotions, rendering her (duh-duh-duuuhhhh) EMOTIONLESS!!!  I imagine it 's called something like "Unemo" (pronounced 'uhn-eemoe').  There should be some sort of fundraiser, ya think?

SO, then it dawns on me that the Black Widow is truly handicapped - not only is she a victim of Unemo, she's so emotionally stunted that she lacks the great joy of understanding, let alone using, sarcasm!!!!!!!!  OK, now I am crying harder than Sally Strothers in her Save the Children videos!  This is truly awful!  People look at her all day like some sort of 'came from another planet freak' (which she deserves, but let's not be obvious, people!), they shun her (well, we do), they make fun of her mercilessly (guilty again!!!), and she can't join in any reindeer games!!!!  And not only that, she's stunted the Jellyfish, too!!!!!  He obviously is fighting nature like a whale trying to waddle and quack, as prior to meeting the Black Widow, he was jolly, stunningly sarcastically witty fella;  but, the Black widow 'kills' her mate,... true to form.  I believe in what God makes and how he makes it, and eventually the whale will see the futility of fighting what he is,... and then perhaps he'll get our jokes again!!!  Hey, I'm a hopeful gal.  And until then, well, I'm gonna belly laugh for the both of them, by golly!  Why? Because I'm a giver, I tell ya, a Giver!!!!!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

SO MUCH TO SAY

Well, It has been days,... and I have thought of one more thing to share (most comments come to me via phone - but feel free to leave something wonderfully clever on my comments section): the Nanny will be gone for about a week. 

We are at Crisis Level Defcon 5.

(You: What the heck does that mean?)

It means that we are going to have to rely on the Hub to ... (gasp!) ... (I don't think I can say, let alone, type it) ... (OK, I admit I just like the  ...'s) ... 

TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Stunned into Silence?) With our luck, our garbage should be visible from space, right here in the kitchen, attracting all sorts of vermin, carrying all sorts of n-a-s-t-y diseases, until the Nanny returns!!!

It may be time for an intervention ... (yep, again with the ...'s)!  Keep me in your prayers.

On the Subject of Theme Songs

I have to admit, if I were an early explorer, I'd have much rather enjoyed hacking through the jungles and facing hostile folkage if I'd have had a stellar Hollywood sound track like we see on the big screen.  Take The Last of the Mohicans - much better to dive off a cliff to fabulous music than to  your own sickly screams - agreed?  Ones' daily trek to the store or school could feature chase scene music, or your nightly fridge raid boast some scary theme, just for fun!  And how about a laugh track?  How nice would that be! Everyone would get your jokes b/c the laugh track would cue 'em - this could really work for me!!  And what about a little Raiders of the Lost Ark for a great sporting event, such as #2's soccer games.  This could be a real hit!!!

I'm thinking the Chariots of Fire for the daily race out of the door for school, and a little Top Gun for Walmart ventures; oh, the possibilities are endless!!!  I think we could develop and market for the low, low price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling.  i am SOOOOO on this!  Only PLEASE, no Hannah Montana - I am so over her!

On the Subject of Bloggin

First, the question is: to blog or not to blog? Stupid question!  Second: have I outgrown my guilt of NOT homeschooling? Again, stupid question!!!  So, I am embracing the upcoming week of early rising, morning rush, and a mad dash to the schools... with unusual enthusiasm!  While anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely adore my Masses, they will also tell you that a girl needs a little peace and quiet... and a chance to go through their rooms and get rid of their garbage!  Apparently, #1 has forgone all warnings about harboring food substances illegally under her bed and in her closet, and something has taken life form, and is creating MORE dirty laundry.  Like the Masses need help in that department! 

What will I do with all my spare time?

Not what the Hub wishes, that's for sure! (And even if I did meet him at the office wearing nothing but a mink coat, don't you think it would raise suspicions? A mink coat in August? Matt spending that kind of money for dead, wearable vermin? The cleaning lady walking in? The car stranding me?) Probably I'll fill the schedule with volunteering and all the usual - raising the family, and enjoying a clutter free living room for a few hours a day.  Perhaps I'll blog more, as I am sure the 4th grade girls' drama will generate some discussion.  Or maybe I'll actually watch the shows I TiVo'd.  Or watch the Olympics... finally.  Or maybe just enjoy the peace and quiet - I may turn the phones off!  I might invest time creating gourmet dinners which none of the Masses will try, or plan the dogs' funerals (Ok, really, I don't like them enough anymore to plan a funeral - a party, yes; mourning, no.)  So many possibilities!

I hope to find time to watch the grass grow like so many of my retired neighbors; this is apparently a full time job.  It takes a lot of time. And iced tea ... or is it? (they are AWFULLY darned happy about the grass, ya know) I might think about watering my yard by hand ... with a hose ... following the shade across the yard ... or walk the dog (ha ha ha ha )!  My, but I feel like gettin' busy right now with all these exciting things to try!!!  I could get a police scanner ... or raise silk worms ... or get an online degree from Devry ... or crotchet a new bedspread ... or take up naked painting (save on laundry; not painting myself or a naked portrait of me - that's just wrong on every level!).  Perhaps I'll extend my dwarf hamster breeding program ... or get tech support over here to fix the stupid email ... or learn to wire my own lamps (fire dept. on speed dial) ... or write a theme song to accompany me - now there's an idea!

But, I think when #4 naps, I'll just go back to bed.  It's been a long, fun summer ... I deserve it.

Friday, August 8, 2008

On Crawling and Other Forms of Transportation

I personally believe that if you are going to drive a sports car, say a bright red or bright neon yellow Corvette, that, despite one's age, one should try to look decent, at the least, and totally hip when possible... which means whenever you slide behind the wheel of said vehicle; all other times, simply take the family scooter.  I have seen two such vehicles and their dishevelled, untidy drivers.... OK, they were just down right dowdy, hear?  THis ought to be a crime, or a requirement to actually purchase a car that could be a working man's salary in a third world country for most of his adult life!!!!  Here's the buying procedure:
Sales Dude:" So, you'll have the appropriate clothes and hair-do?"
Buyer: "Yeah, sure."
SD:" Because if you don't, we come repossess the car - opthalmic manslaughter.  Hope you know a good attorney."
Buyer: "Oh. Never mind. Can you show me where they sell the Hyundai's?"

I really think this could work;  Just like you ought to have to be approved to reproduce - some folks just don't want the kids they have, and this should have been screened earlier, so that those who want, receive.  

Speaking of children, #3 had such a riveting conversation with me yesterday; it went something like this:

#3:" Mommy, are you in there?"
Me:" Yes, I'm going to the bathroom." Why do they think I need a friend right then?
#3:"Are you going poo?"
Me:" Not that it's really your business, yes I am. I don't think I need any compnay right now, though!" I am slightly smiling - this is not a new phenomenon in our house.
#3:" But I heard you flush."
Me:" Yeah, but I'm not done yet.  That was a courtesy flush." I am now starting to hear a slight edge in my voice; this was my only opportunity for peace.  It is now fading rapidly.
#3:" What's a 'courtesy flush'?"
Me:" Well, it's when I flush the potty even if I'm not finished because it stinks so badly in here that even the local skunks are shunning me!  Trust me, if I could leave, I'd be gone!"  I am now satisfied that he is satisfied, and will therefore move on.  I am wrong.
#3:" But I heard you flush. Are you done yet?"
Me:"No-oh!"
#3:"How 'bout now?"
Me:" No! Now leave me alone!"
#3:'But I heard you flush! I want to come in!"
Me: "Fine! But it's your nostrils!"
#3:"What are nostrils?" door opening

Now, I find in this scenario the humor in the fact that he was obsessed with me flushing, b/c evidently, though instructed and inserviced to the point the even a pig could flush, my son (and his other guilty siblings) cannot flush a dadgum potty!!!!  No need for a courtesy flush, b/c the cannot flush initially!!  I would be so grateful to remove "Poo-poo-haunted-us" from my vocabulary; for those not in the know, this started as #3's way to say  hippopotamus but one day evolved into Krench as the phrase for 'a poopy left floating in the potty in various forms of decay, one where flushing was never attempted'.

I thought that subtle, gentler reminders would be enough. Again, I was wrong (seeing a pattern?).  So, now, even in public, I LOUDLY ask the child leaving the restroom if he/she has flushed and washed their hands; then, after they come out again, I ask again - very loudly!  If repetition doesn't work, perhaps public humiliation will!!!!  The other parents don't seem to mind me asking their kids either.....

Well, I have to go do damage control... #1 is getting sassy in front of her guest - again, nothing new. Apparently is the age.


Wednesday, August 6, 2008

On the Subject of Various and Sundry Things

Today's like a variety show; we've got the dancers (#1 has created a routine to involve #3 & #2 - this oughta go over really well), the clowns (#3 & #2),  the animal acts (same as the two before), and the baby animals on the midway (#4, of course).  As for me, I'm the Ringmaster and I spotlight in the Dog and Pony Show.  Serious talent.  It feels like a circus around here somedays.

So, #1 has a birthday coming up, or haven't you heard?  I think she's taken out an ad on national radio... or at least everyone we've passed in Wallies knows!!!  She requested a skateboard, to which the Hub (lookin' for brownie points?) replied, " They're dangerous - you could break your arm!"  This from the man who endorses dangerous recreational vehicles and guns, together mind you,  with his seven year old!!!  Oh yes, I DID point out the irony.  Leave no stone unturned is my motto!

We are sweatin' it out this week before school starts the 18th, which leads me back to the days where I thought I could homeschool.  Now, if we were missionaries in a third world country and this was the only way the Masses could learn to read, write, and go to college so that someday they will support themselves and their future families (and gorgeous children, no doubt), so that we can travel and not give them any money,... then I'd be all about it.  But we aren't.  But I can't help but feel like some sort of failure because a part of me would love to be like the super mom who can bake her own bread, nurse the baby, and teach my child Thoreau, all while organizing a summer children's Shakespeare theater - simultaneously.  I think my expectations may be a little unreasonable!

 - WE PAUSE NOW FOR A NINNI BREAK (NOT FOR ME, FOR #4) - 

False alarm.  Anyway, I think #1's personality might be a HUGe challenge, as she would probably thin she's smarter than I am and in charge - which is the problem with helping #2 with homework - she stops doing hers, and starts 'helping' him, despite the fact that I am standing right there helping him (actually overseeing is a better word), and makes him royally p.o.'ed, which leads to fights, and then her whining that she still has to sit there and finish her homework after he's done, b/c she doesn't want to do hers anyway.  In fact, when it comes to any summertime school work I have them do to keep their brains working, she grips, whines, and moans - it's just ugly. All b/c she wants to be in charge.

Why, just last night, she got in trouble for lying (again) about brushing her teeth and brushing her hair - this is an ongoing saga, as she simply won't do it or delays doing it as her form of disobedience b/c as we've figured out she doesn't like anyone telling her what to do - she's gonna be 9!  She's got a lot of years of being told what to do ahead of her, so she is gonna need to come to peace with our authority.  We devised a reasonable punishment (involving money, which is painful for her - the money comes back to us).  I also have a really sneaky suspicion that she's gonna get some serious orders for the next few weeks, politely but more than usual - she has to get it that we're boss!!!   AHHHHH, boot camp!!!!

I shall be know as Drill Sargent Granola Mama, and she shall be Private #1!!!!  And camo is in, in small tasteful amounts that is... maybe pink?  This should be real fun. Please note the lack of enthusiasm - gonna be some LONG days.

I do wish sort of that I thought my kids would love it (homeschooling), and thrive, and be happy,... and that I thought most of all 
i'd survive.  

Monday, August 4, 2008

The Devil Dog and Other Assorted Stuff

Who ever said the 'dog days of summer' apparently treated their dogs pretty badly!  My dogs, despise them though I do, get a pretty posh life.  Food, fresh water, correct meds (for the old fart Satan Incarnate), and a nice place to snooze during the hottest part of the day - my sofa!  No, I DO NOT want the stupid dog sleeping on my fairly new sofa - because she ate the other one and we were forced to get a less 'holy' one - so I then spend several hours repeatedly shooing her, the Devil Dog that is (Satan Incarnate is too old to jump on the sofa - heck, he's too old to dip his lazy head INTO the dog food bowl and grab his grub; we have to leave it on a doggie mat instead... wouldn't want him to get a cramp or anything - AWWWWWW - old dog farts!!!!!  WRONG!!!!!  AGAIN... ARE YOU KIDDN" ME?!!!!!) off the sofas (she ate half the other one - RC's upholstery l-o-v-e-s us s-o much!!!!!).  This makes me and everyone else very crabby and quite intolerant of her in general, because if we aren't yelling at her (we start off nicely, but it does get UGLY), she's looking for, sneaking, and destroying something else!  Like the kids shoes (perhaps they could put them away? Just a thought).  Or the throw pillows.  Or baby toys.  Or anything gross and disgusting in the trash can.

The Devil Dog, aka 'Annie the Very Bad Dog', or 'Little Wanna Be Orphaned Again Annie', was a rescue - we went to violin lessons (teacher's house is in the country - dog was abandoned there - obviously abused and starved); kids caught me at a weak moment; we brought her home; I have hated her ever since... OK, Hate is a strong word... DISLIKED GREATLY!  But what am I supposed to do with her?  Oh, yes, I've had ideas.  But the soft side of me keeps me from turning her into the pound - AWWWWWW!!!!!!! More OLD DOG FARTS!!!!!!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?????!!!!!!!!  EYES WATERING.... HARD TO BREATHE... NEED GAS MASK.... LACK OF OXYGEN.... PLANTS JUST WILTED AND DIED.... OK, that's not true b/c everyone knows that I can kill a cactus.  Very ironic, isn't it?  I can unwillingly kill a cactus, yet I can't willingly kill the dogs? Or even unwillingly?  BUT IF HE FARTS ONE MORE TIME... AWWWWW!!!!!! NASTY NASTY NASTY - #4'S CRYING IT'S SOOOOO BAD - PROBABLY SINGES THE HAIRS IN HER TINY LITTLE NOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL THIS TO SAY, oh sorry for the caps, any suggestions on how to take care of the beasts?  I will not pay for a dog psychiatrist to come help me, or dr. Kevorkian - I am too cheap!  Perhaps I could just convince them to pack their little doggie knapsacks, and hit the road for a little adventure!  Well, they're not jumping at the idea, I can tell ya that much!  All they're doing is watching me, wondering if I'm gonna have a late night snack - and yes, I am, and NO, they cannot have any.  Besides, Fat Annie (another alias) won't eat anything healthy!  But, my plan to clog Satan Incarnate's arteries with bacon, fat and cheese hasn't worked, obviously, b/c he's still fartin' at 14!!!  And it's gettin' thick in here - he has been eating something unapproved that is for sure!  Nothing I feed him smells remotely like this!

And then there's the Masses to deal with.  I did actually think I'd found a home for the Devil Dog (we'll just hope for a sudden death for Farty Boy here), and my kids went ballistic crying and professing their undying love and affection for the stupid dog!  Ironic, also, that I dislike my Fur Family (with exception of the Hammies, which I adore b/c they are so cute and tiny and do not bite me or bark incessantly for food or pee and poo on the floor or run down the street like a whore from a convent on weekend leave despite the fact that I am running, boobs slingin' and dodgin', and screaming her name like some wild spider monkey - the neighbors all know who I am ), as much as I dislike a few select members of my 'family' - I use the quotation marks, b/c , if you met some of them (and some of you lucky ducks have), you'd know that I was obviously adopted by crazy people from another planet,... and they are therefore not my biological family (which lives in Michigan and still owes me a graduation present - hint hint).  This brings up the whole issue of WHY they screen prospective adoptive parents - and, as we can recollect, someone messed up in my particular case!!!!  Please note, my mom is exempt from these speculations, as she has been deceased some time and I cannot guess how normal or hog wild crazy she'd be - the two I have in mind could drive even the sanest over the edge (you don't see the Hub volunteering to vacation with them BOTH TOGETHER do ya?)!

But I digress.  And so do the dogs - to the kitchen where the Hub is apparently popping popcorn - YUM! Later...