Drama Queen

Do you hear that noise? That is the sound of #1 crying because she doesn't want to do her summer school work.  That I gave her HOURS ago.  It's a review. Math.  So far, you'd think I'd told her that at almost 9 she'd been asked out by the cute Jonas brother, and can't go!!! ANd it is really terrible acting!!! She's gonna need to really work on it - so I tried to show her how... but she wasn't amused!  Imagine, how ungrateful she is to not appreciate the advise of an expert!!!!  I was a Thespian in high school... wasn't everyone?  Didn't we all take acting or star in the school play, at least on our sorority rush application?  We were also all cheerleaders, pom pom girls, and student body presidents!!!!  

So, I know you are outraged that I am making her do school work, but it is all part of my sinister plot to get her, and the other Masses, into college and out as functioning adults in the world, so that we can retire!!!!  This, folks is a retirement plan!!!!!  This is our job - to get em educated and gainfully employed, to help em find Jesus and a Godly spouse (I want lots of grandkiddies), and to keep them out of the penitentiary!!! So, back to crackin' the whip and helping her future GPA!!!!  Add, subtract, multiply, divide!!!!  Read, read, read!!!! And stop that bawling!!!!!

I am convinced after a few weeks home with my four children for summer vacation, that the fair tale Snow White was altered years ago in the age old art of storytelling.  I know this because every morning I greet the day singing, throw open the proverbial windows (we have allergies and asthma - no window opening here), start my daily chores and await the joyous faces of my Little Dwarfs.  Here ends the fair tale.

First it is Pouty (#2), that makes his way upstairs... and has he grown a little overnight?  Followed by Grumpy (#3), demanding chockie milk, which he will receive if he can ask nicely thank you very much, as I was not put on earth by God to be his slave.  Somewhere in there, Clingy the Velcro child (#4)wakes up for Ninni, and finally, Bossy (#1) skulks her way upstairs, or turns on the big screen downstairs - blaringly loud!!  In the fairy tale, the dwarfs are all Happy, except for Grumpy and Sneezy, and can you blame the latter? He's in serious need of Zyrtec!  

Instead of happily getting to work and tidying up, we end up with their alter egos, Whiney, Weepy, Drooly, and Sassy, respectively... and interchangeably.  The poison apple is what ever crosses em the wrong way which leads poor Snow White's metamorphosis into the wicked Witch!!!!  And the eternal slumber? Her idea of heaven on earth, as the Wicked Witch hasn't slept through the night in over 9 years!!!!!  Finally the handsome Prince (played by The Hub at this house) returns from work to give Snow White/ WW a big kiss - which in the original fairy tale was to lock the children in the dungeon and repeat their names in an annoying high-pitched nasally tone until they cry! You can clearly see how the original story went now, can't you. So can I. And the mirror on the wall, my wedding picture,... when I really was a princess!

Kinda makes ya wanna keep the newer version of the story, dunnit?  GOtta go alter-egos Pesky and Stinky Pants are out, and Sulky and wounded Feelings are on the loose!!!

Appropriate Birthday Gifts for Children

First off, Sister Scout, You'll be happy this was not an email. Secondly, we just returned from celebrating our sons 7th birthday;  this year we celebrated with a little buddy of his that has the same birthday  - don't think we'll be doing that again!  But that is not the point!  I want to address some gifts my children have received for birthdays, Christmas, or any other holiday that might have been avoided with a little,... or any forethought.

The one that really stood out in my mind was the same child's birthday gift from last year from his grandparents: boxing gloves, not one set but TWO!!!  I kid you not! So, they asked (laughing): "Do you hate us?", and I responded: "The question is, do you hate us?"  Seriously; two educated, logical, seemingly normal people sought, bought, and gifted BOXING GLOVES to a 6 year-old, with 3 1/2 year-old and soon to be 8 year-old (at the time) siblings!  Funny, I can't seem to find them lately... not that I have looked.

And there are the gifts that we have received  for the kids which 1) are 'looking gifts' only - such as figurines for my daughter ( Ihave tons of these) 2) items marked CLEARLY: not intended for children, or not a toy 3) wind up musical Christmas decorations, of which I now have 8, but only the girls (granddaughters) get those...yeah. 4) bean bag chairs, or any other item requiring freight delivery 5) extremely large stuffed animals that need their own room.

But today, I think someone topped all of the above... and yippee... it wasn't a relative!  Today, as a gift for his 7th birthday, #3 received... I am so not kidding,... FIREWORKS!!!!  Yep. Apparently I missed the memo approving fireworks, matches, and flame throwers for children under the age of 30.  Somewhere along the line I think somebody missed the boat on why we don't let children,... or adults,... play with FIRE!  Last time I heard, ya don't hand your kids a lighter and tell em to have a great afternoon!!!!  SO, I tell The Hub, and he's like AAAAAWWWWWWRIIIIGGGHHHTTTTT!!!!  'Scuse me????????  He says:'I guess we'll have to light em up, he he he he!'  From me: stony silence.  From him: Oh. (more silence as he thinks up a response that will not end him in parenting classes) Well, no, that wasn't an appropriate gift.  Ya think?  I won't let the child play in the front yard without a watchful eye 'cause he still runs after the soccer ball into the street, despite the hair-raising screams from his mother: STOP! DID YOU LOOK BOTH WAYS!!! AND THEN BOTH WAYS AGAIN?!! THERE COULD HAVE BEEN A CAR!!!!... oh, you get the idea.  Like I want him in possession of fireworks?  What are these people thinkin'?!!!!  Better yet, DO THEY THINK?  So, I think for THEIR child's birthday I'll be contacting the North American Venomous Reptile Society sales department (I made this organization up a few years ago for a joke on a friend; my apologies if there really is one... and if there is, ... seriously? ).  Yep. We'll just send ol' Dennis the Menace a little friend!  Or, a first aid kit.

White Water/Why Water?

Aaaahhh, the joys of summer! Nothing like the signs of a good vacation, whether it be a few hours or a few weeks, like returning exhausted and in pain, with at least a K2 of laundry to do!  We took The Masses to White Water yesterday, 'cause The Hub has a really sick sense of fun- force The Queen to wear a 'satan' suit in front of several hundred people we don't know for four hours - yippee!!!!  He does this in the guise that we are taking the children to do something 'fun', but I know the truth!!!!  It's all about torturing ME!!!!  I spent the afternoon 'toodling' the baby and playing with #3, which was fun - but what happened to ME doing some slides?  

This brings me to two questions for today. 1) Why does The Hub get to be the "Fun Parent", while I am stuck being the Unfun Parent?  Isn't it enough that I daily force the Uncooperative Masses to perform basic chores of cleanliness and hygiene, avoid killing each other, take away privileges in response for breaking the rules or dropping #3 on his head?  Do I get to have NO fun?  The Masses run to the Hub when he walks in at the end of the day... or any time of the day... squealing with delight.  All I get is "oh, hey, Mom's home." and with the enthusiasm of drinking sour milk!!!!  Now, I am the favorite of #4 - but, let's face it, to her I am just the walking Ninni!  Just a thought for all you Unfun Parents out there.

2) The food situation at White Water is horrifying!!!  First, you are not allowed to bring food in; and I know why.  The proprietors of the water park are all cardiologists ( I have no idea if this is true but it would really explain a lot), and therefore, want you to buy the nasty greasiest foods available to clog your arteries for sure, under the guise that you are having family fun!!!!  Or, they single-handedly want to worsen the obesity epidemic in the US.  There was nary a fruit or veggie to be found (true, I could have overlooked the fresh fruit stand with all the attention that the Dippin dots and Lemon flavored sugar water stands were getting).  In fact, the only thing close to a veggie was in the form of and iceberg lettuce salad costing roughly $2.01 MORE than a large slice of pizza!!! It's lettuce, for cryin' out loud!!!! The bottled water I priced was $.51 MORE than sugar-laden soda!!!! Let's see, give my kid sugar and caffeine in the HEAT to DEHYDRATE them more, or offer bottled water... which is WATER in a bottle (hhhmmmmm - could have brought my own water in reusable bottles, and thrown away LESS - better for the environment) In fact, they offered NO juice, and NO milk!!!! 

 I know, I know, we want to have fun - but we wonder why the US is the heaviest nation in the world?  It's the Powerade we pour down our kids throats to replace electrolytes, in kids that really just need a great big dose of water!  OK, I am really OK with fun foods and desserts in moderation, and left to her own devises, #1 would live on non-nutritive substances made of man-engineered molecules... or twinkies.  And that is my point. Left to her own impulses, they wouldn't be healthy.  In fact, her first question after dinner every night... what's for dessert? We don't wanna eat right (liek I WANT the pear over chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven? DUH!!!) But, they aren't makin' it easier!!! Is it too much to ask to get a fair price on the foods that we need (like water) and most of the water park isn't gonna order anyway ( such as an orange or lettuce), or be allowed to bring in some items that aren't sold there... such as an apple?  What about the folks on special diets?  Do they need a doctor's note... 'cause I can put ALL the Masses on a special diet, know what I mean?  

Having two degrees in nutrition can be a real drag when it comes to choosing foods responsibly, but even my BFF will tell you that when I eat cake... I eat cake. None of this " I'll just take a little tiny sliver and then come back and pick obsessively at the plate/icing/other people's plate, or hover over your neighbor like and unfed hound dog! ( I once would have done that) Nope. Get your cake - get a fork - enjoy!!!  But isn't that why my kids have birthdays is so I can enjoy the cake?  And it's OK to have the french fries every now and then, but when your kids think that the green foods are the ones you cleaned out of the fridge from last months take-out leftovers, it's time to re-evaluate!!!

I think it would be responsible of the proprietors (ie., the cardiologists) to offer some other choices for those of us that already feel disgusted that we have to be seen in a 'satan' suit - give a gal a reason to feel better about herself... know what I mean???

Extolling the Virtues of the Sonic Diet Coke

Oh, Sonic Diet Coke, how I love thee, let me count the ways! I love your styrofoam cup that  only sweats in 100 degree heat, your crushed ice which melts so slowly and preserves the beverage so well.  I dream of your long straw that allows me to drive and still drink; and red is my favorite color, my love!!!  But most of all, your composition is divine - perfectly balanced syrup and carbonation!  You, my dear, are the essence of life - nectar of the gods, the elixir of my life!

Well, ladies, I have to admit that the lazy days of summer are all one big fat thumb-suckin' lie created by men to torture the stay at home mom, who never really stays at home - that too is a fantasy, or is it fantastic lie, credited to, once again, the evil of men.  My days are going something like this: wake up, nurse baby, fix chocolate milk for the Masses, speed dress self, coax Masses to get dressed, threaten Masses to get dressed, 1st seating for breakfast, explain the benefits of good hygiene followed with dire consequences for NOT brushing teeth, medicate asthmatic/allergic Masses, load reluctant Masses into car to take one or more to tennis/ music/ dance/ art, return home to 'tidy up' - this involves clorox, a central vac and gas masks - feed baby again, 2nd seating for breakfast, actually physically dress remaining Masses b/c they are huddled Masses in front of villainous TV (another of man's inventions), load Masses back into car to retrieve said children from aforementioned activities, return home to feed hungry Masses, and of course baby, put in laundry, force Ignorant Masses to do some school work (they consider this torture) so that their little brains won't ooze out of their ears this summer, nurse baby, play games, run errands with Uncooperative Masses that take twice as long b/c of the present Masses, haggle with the Masses' friends, prepare dinner for the house/pool/boat, take to crik/pool/ boat, more laundry, clean them up b/c they are now dirty Masses, treat any scrapes/ mysterious bites/ skeeter bites/ tick bites/ and leg cramps, medicate Asthmatic/Allergic Masses, nurse baby again - hungry baby, brush the Masses teeth b/c they are now too tired to move, march the tired Masses to bed, collapse;  All this is done holding the baby, drinking the elixir of life Diet Coke, fielding phone calls, being harassed mercilessly by the dog (Satan Incarnate),  and cleaning up all day after the filthy we-live-like-pigs Masses!  This is my life... and I love it!!! Pantyhose optional.

Po Folk Fun

Well, it's summer time and livin' is easy!!!  time to try out a little po folk fun, especially for those of us who are po folk! What is po folk fun? What - you live under a rock? Well, let me tell ya, it is a unique and special form of entertainment that takes years to perfect; certain things are required: tight budget or very tight budget, red-neck mentality (and I mean this in the nicest possible way). Others are optional: children, pets, common sense.

So, to help you get started, I have composed a top 10 list of Po Folk Fun:

10) Swatting the flies; this can involve even the youngest kids in the family, and count as exercise at the same time - those buggers are fast!!!!

9) Hand cranking ice cream - yes, the hard way, requiring a kid to sit on the maker while someone rips their arm out of socket turning the darned crank.  Rich people go to Baskin Robbins - po folk sweat for it!

8) Ladder jungle gym - this sounds pretty much like what it is! All you need is a long ladder that bends, or you can duct tape two together, and the kids use this as their jungle gym. 

7) Tick pickin'. Now, ordinarily this might sound like a big downer, but the more po folk in your family, the more fun! Talk about gettin' to know each other!!!

6) Pickin' ticks off your younguns privates IN PUBLIC! This takes tick pickin' to the next level! You'll be amazed how many folks you can meet and greet this way with your four year old screamin' "Mama, I gotta tick on my wee wee!"

5) Car towin'.  This can be a full Friday of fun for the resourceful po folk family! Start with one stranded car, and a few kids to ride in it, and a working vehicle to tow said car and kids! Make it a parade with music and streamers!! 

4) Daddy daycare. This form of entertainment involves Dad paying not one lick of attention to his children, working on his car/ watching football/ playing cards/ etc. resulting in one or more of the children being injured badly enough to require an emergency room visit.  Po folk can't afford  a sitter and will therefore resort to Daddy daycare again and again.

3) Chasing the renegade dog, who constantly escapes and rolls in poop and /or gets sprayed by a skunk, down the street yelling "and don't come back!"

2) Clean dead squirrel out of the redneck pool; rich people can afford to pay someone to do this nasty job... po folk have to do it themselves!

AND THE NUMBER ONE PO FOLK FUN JOB IS (DRUM ROLL):

1)  A good Friday night family delousing!!  Nothing says family fun and bonding like Nix for everybody!!!  Pop some popcorn, set the timer, and start nit pickin'!!!!  This form of fun should not be undertaken for the inexperienced po folk, or weekend po folk; professional po folk only!!!

Despite all the 'clever things' The Hub has suggested to initialize my first blogg with, I shall go with "I'm a virgin blogger .... no more!!!"  I couldn't stand the idea that Tigo had her own place to float and sink ideas, and here I was still on email!!!! And hers is so philosophical, while mine will be much more train of thought - she is obviously a deeper and more meaningful person than I am!!!!  And you Sister Scout will no longer receive pesky emails; now I will quiz you about my blog! Evolution baby, evolution!!!!  And, I now feel like I am catching up to my peers, and my computer savvy kids - evolution, again!!!  Please keep checking, ladies, as I will be learning how to update my 'look'! oh, and Deb and Kac, I just mentioned ya so you won't feel left out!!!