The Devil Dog and Other Assorted Stuff

Who ever said the 'dog days of summer' apparently treated their dogs pretty badly!  My dogs, despise them though I do, get a pretty posh life.  Food, fresh water, correct meds (for the old fart Satan Incarnate), and a nice place to snooze during the hottest part of the day - my sofa!  No, I DO NOT want the stupid dog sleeping on my fairly new sofa - because she ate the other one and we were forced to get a less 'holy' one - so I then spend several hours repeatedly shooing her, the Devil Dog that is (Satan Incarnate is too old to jump on the sofa - heck, he's too old to dip his lazy head INTO the dog food bowl and grab his grub; we have to leave it on a doggie mat instead... wouldn't want him to get a cramp or anything - AWWWWWW - old dog farts!!!!!  WRONG!!!!!  AGAIN... ARE YOU KIDDN" ME?!!!!!) off the sofas (she ate half the other one - RC's upholstery l-o-v-e-s us s-o much!!!!!).  This makes me and everyone else very crabby and quite intolerant of her in general, because if we aren't yelling at her (we start off nicely, but it does get UGLY), she's looking for, sneaking, and destroying something else!  Like the kids shoes (perhaps they could put them away? Just a thought).  Or the throw pillows.  Or baby toys.  Or anything gross and disgusting in the trash can.

The Devil Dog, aka 'Annie the Very Bad Dog', or 'Little Wanna Be Orphaned Again Annie', was a rescue - we went to violin lessons (teacher's house is in the country - dog was abandoned there - obviously abused and starved); kids caught me at a weak moment; we brought her home; I have hated her ever since... OK, Hate is a strong word... DISLIKED GREATLY!  But what am I supposed to do with her?  Oh, yes, I've had ideas.  But the soft side of me keeps me from turning her into the pound - AWWWWWW!!!!!!! More OLD DOG FARTS!!!!!!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?????!!!!!!!!  EYES WATERING.... HARD TO BREATHE... NEED GAS MASK.... LACK OF OXYGEN.... PLANTS JUST WILTED AND DIED.... OK, that's not true b/c everyone knows that I can kill a cactus.  Very ironic, isn't it?  I can unwillingly kill a cactus, yet I can't willingly kill the dogs? Or even unwillingly?  BUT IF HE FARTS ONE MORE TIME... AWWWWW!!!!!! NASTY NASTY NASTY - #4'S CRYING IT'S SOOOOO BAD - PROBABLY SINGES THE HAIRS IN HER TINY LITTLE NOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL THIS TO SAY, oh sorry for the caps, any suggestions on how to take care of the beasts?  I will not pay for a dog psychiatrist to come help me, or dr. Kevorkian - I am too cheap!  Perhaps I could just convince them to pack their little doggie knapsacks, and hit the road for a little adventure!  Well, they're not jumping at the idea, I can tell ya that much!  All they're doing is watching me, wondering if I'm gonna have a late night snack - and yes, I am, and NO, they cannot have any.  Besides, Fat Annie (another alias) won't eat anything healthy!  But, my plan to clog Satan Incarnate's arteries with bacon, fat and cheese hasn't worked, obviously, b/c he's still fartin' at 14!!!  And it's gettin' thick in here - he has been eating something unapproved that is for sure!  Nothing I feed him smells remotely like this!

And then there's the Masses to deal with.  I did actually think I'd found a home for the Devil Dog (we'll just hope for a sudden death for Farty Boy here), and my kids went ballistic crying and professing their undying love and affection for the stupid dog!  Ironic, also, that I dislike my Fur Family (with exception of the Hammies, which I adore b/c they are so cute and tiny and do not bite me or bark incessantly for food or pee and poo on the floor or run down the street like a whore from a convent on weekend leave despite the fact that I am running, boobs slingin' and dodgin', and screaming her name like some wild spider monkey - the neighbors all know who I am ), as much as I dislike a few select members of my 'family' - I use the quotation marks, b/c , if you met some of them (and some of you lucky ducks have), you'd know that I was obviously adopted by crazy people from another planet,... and they are therefore not my biological family (which lives in Michigan and still owes me a graduation present - hint hint).  This brings up the whole issue of WHY they screen prospective adoptive parents - and, as we can recollect, someone messed up in my particular case!!!!  Please note, my mom is exempt from these speculations, as she has been deceased some time and I cannot guess how normal or hog wild crazy she'd be - the two I have in mind could drive even the sanest over the edge (you don't see the Hub volunteering to vacation with them BOTH TOGETHER do ya?)!

But I digress.  And so do the dogs - to the kitchen where the Hub is apparently popping popcorn - YUM! Later...