Correction

My daughter takes violin lessons, not the car - ehck, if it had that kinda talent, you'd be seeing me on TV, not reading a blog!

Live Bait

This would make a GREAT name for band, don't you think?  Well, I do! But this has nothing to do with bands.  Today I am driving the UDM back from the little riverside town of Cotter where she currently takes lessons, when I see a sign that says: 

TAKING CONSIGNMENTS

BOATS              CARS

LIVE BAIT

Huh? Really? I can leave my dog there and someone will pay me to take him and use him for live bait? Perhaps I should jot that number down!!!

Seriously. In the world of advertising, what does that mean?  Are there some seriously bad parents that might try to drop their kiddies off, or hamster overrun homes in need of quick and profitable relief? What KIND of live bait? What's gonna eat what? And what's my profit margin here?

I saw another sign yesterday that said: "No alcohol in our gasoline. We have kerosene."  Now, I don't know about you, and I certainly have no degree in chemistry, but I think that isn't a very good idea!  I have decided that the gasoline there might be more than I bargained for.

All this to say, please, say what you mean!  Kinda like the age old dance of 'lets get the kids to bed early tonight', which can mean various things to men and women: the games on, Gray's Anatomy is on, I wanta go to a 'brodown' (see urban dictionary for that one), I wanta do some serious scrappin' tonight, they're buggin' the ever lovin' snot outta me, or 'do ya want to?'

Nothing like being straight forward and to the point.  So, on that note... I gotta go pee-pee. Bye, ya'll!!!!

I feel lousy

BUt not too lousy to go buy scrapbook stuff, which always elevates my mood!  In fact, I am converting another lost soul to the truth and light of scrapbooking - I oughta get a reward. I am so happy to help another member of womankind, though men can scrap too, we are equal opportunity hobbiests, discover the hidden artistic historian within her/himself!  Seriously. Someone nominate me for the Nobel Prize in Fabulousness!

I have found two converts recently, which the Hub says I have "sucked into the black hole of scrappin' ". This makes it sound like a bad thing... which it is NOT, and he should be smacked silly with wet noodles for such comments (hey, get in line, sister!).  I pointed out that it wasn't like I'd gotten them hooked on ancient world painkillers (see yesterday's blog - keep up, ya'll), and he retorted "it's almost as bad!"  Pardon? How could it be as bad? 

Quality time with friends, or oneself, preserving priceless memories (which the Hub cannot remember b/c of his unbelievably horrible memory, which I have used to my advantage... "you said it was okay...", "we talked about this..." "don't you remember...?"  Girl, I am good!!!!). 

No substance addictions, or abuse - hey, the Diet COke thang has been around a WHOLE lot longer - so how could this be bad?

Is it the money?  Seriously. I spend less on scrappin' supplies than some folks spend on one pair of shoes (OK, that 'folks ' is moi, but I have VERY skinny feet and it is hard to find shoes,and I would GLADLY pay less is they would CHARGE me less... amen?)  And he doesn't have costly hobbies?

Let's review shall we? Oh, we shall. He has a river boat (cha-ching), countless expensive fishing rods (cha-ching), at one point SIX sets of NICE drums (we are down to two three now... cha-cha-cha-ching)... and the man likes his I pods... at least the ones he's managed to NOT lose... 

We could be here all night.  So once again, I am right and the Hub is wrong. Not surprised. The world's a better, more beautiful place because of moi.

I'll be writing my Nobel Prize acceptance speech now...

*NOTE: the author (moi) doesn't really think so highly of herself as to realistically think she deserves a Nobel Prize in Fabulousness. She exercised creative license, inflating her ego to heighten the humor of the above piece.  Although  the Hub IS wrong, as usually usual.  A prize in General Greatness is just fine.

Achoooo!

Seriously, what could be grosser than copious amounts of snot and phlegm flying freely from ones orifices, but the nasty medicine I am taking to dry it up!  What did people do thousands of years ago when they contracted the common cold, or worse?  Did they think they were dying, cuz, frankly, I sorta feel that way.  Did they just lay down and wait for it to pass, moaning and writhing on their woven mats, beholden to the benevolent and kind clansmen/women for food and water... and to think they braved it without Diet Coke - GASP!!!!

I have always wondered this, every time I've gotten sick, but I've never told anyone for fear that they'd think I was wack-a-doo; you are still reading my blog and therefore KNOW that I am wack-a-doo, henceforth the WORD: wack-a-doo!

So, I did a little research and discovered that if the ancients were relying on herbs for relief, they sooooo had us beat!!!

For example: opium (morphine), or marijuana, or mushrooms, or hemp, or any of the other hallucinogenic NATURALLY occurring plants used medicinally. You have to agree that there's a pretty potent, and appetite stimulating, arsenal out in the natural world!  Now, I am not endorsing the use of any of these by any law abiding citizen (such as myself, and yourself), but it really makes me wonder what's in the fancy long chemical name I'm taking to dry up the snot, that also seems to make me feel warm and sleepy.  Some of them make me tachycardic, sweaty, and crazy-eyed - I avoid these for obvious reasons, and for the fact that I don't want my picture in the post office, if you know what I mean.  Praise God that none of these over-the-counter meds has given me the munchies (I have been known to sleep eat, and recently it was #4's birthday cake... this REALLY happens!).

Which makes me wonder, have we really come that far?  Scientists are turning back to nature to discover chemotherapy drugs, and painkillers... any Rainey killers? He's certainly a pain!!!!  Sorry, little distracted.  Seriously. Are we as evolved as we think we are?

Well, I can tell you, for one, that in this house, WE DEFINITELY ARE NOT!!!  Why tonight at dinner, I had to encourage STRONGLY that all dining parties USE A FORK!!!!! Sheesh.

But I'll stick to my laboratory, FDA approved cold medicine which makes me feel warm and sleepy....

A new spring in my step...

Yes, my new title has put a new spring into my step, a new lilt into my laughter, and a new twinkle in my eye! I am immensely happy about my new royal status.  Seriously. If you look at history literally thousands of kings and queens were self-proclaimed, self-appointed... so, I am all for it! I am simply repeating history, like millions before me, who have done so in big and small ways.  Sure, some of these royalnesses assumed the throne under violent and bloody circumstances, secret coupes, but I am a peaceful, benevolent ruler.  As long as we do it my way.

And my new kingdom, Ninnia, has thrived while my royal consort was away, thanks to my wise and tireless leadership... yep, I'm great.  The baby is officially "weeble walking" around the house, which is by far the cutest thing ever, and the Masses have not revolted yet; we've had some interclan grumblings, but nothing that a healthy dose of love, time outs, and/or ice cream couldn't master!  All hail, Her Royal Highness, Queen Kathryn the Great! ( I imagine trumpets and cheering masses at this point, maybe some confetti too!)

I'll take that parade now.

So, the Hub has returned from his wanderings (translate: week away with work), and the Masses are already wailing and nashing teeth; I can see that he might be a bit of trouble in the Kingdom of Ninnia, so I will have to make sure he's aware of my new status, and that he pays due homage; diamonds are always good!

Otherwise, it's to the dungeon and off with his head! 

The Week Ahead

The week ahead may cause me to lose my mind! As we type, I am being whined at and clung to by the Barnacle Baby, barked at by Mr. Pee-Body/ Satan Incarnate, and harassed by the boys for chocolate milk.

So, I have made an executive decision:  I am changing my name!

That's right!  No longer will I be known as "Mom, Mommy, Momma, Mama", or any of the other synonyms. Nope.  I will be addressed with the utmost respect I deserve...

I shall be called: YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS

No, not your royal hiney, YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS.

Just thinking about it makes me smile!!!  Brings a song of joy into my heart.  Makes the endless barking bearable... somewhat... for the next few seconds anyway.  Yes, this is my new title, and one I have earned if you ask me, which you can and I will tell you I have, earned it that is.

I have finally found my calling... oh, wait... that's the phone... sorry...

Day of the Dead...

Hammie. That's right. Another bit the hammie dust. Dear shy went to be with her maker, up in the great habitrail in the sky sometime before dawn; well, she was alive yesterday anyway. She will be missed.  Donations can be made in her memory in the form of a gift card from Sonic to her owner: me.

Oh, do I sense a travelin' in my future?  Me thinks me does!  It seems the Hub is planning a fishing trip, and by this I mean wilderness experience with other manly folk, but I do believe he's opting for a cabin this time rather than a canoe... but underwear burning will commence regardless!  THEN, he mentioned that there might be another "Gay Cruise" reunion - I am unable to tell this story any further lest he cut of my 'cremes' funding - and that would be in August.

AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, NOW DON'T WE GUYS AND DOLLS...

MAMA GETS A TRIPPIE OR TWO - YEE HAW!!!!!!

OH, how I long to see Paris in the spring! Not this spring, but the next - when I am in my new house and need to furnish it with delicate, hand picked antiques from the real French flea market.  To stroll the L'Orangerie... heaven!  Versailles again? Why not!  Musee D'Orsay?  Why, of course!!!  C'est la vive!!!!! 

Oh, how a girl can truly dream... and dreams DO come true....

Down on the Farm

In case you haven't heard, we are headed to the farm for spring break - the Amish Farm!!!!  That's right, we are taking the fam on a fun-filled vacation of the back to the beginning of the food chain type for a week in Pennsylvania, Lancaster COunty to be exact.  Frankly, I am truly excited!! Our accommodations have electricity and a stove and microwave, AC, etc... but NO TV!! This is so great!!! No Bakugans, Diego, Hannah Montana, World's Strongest Man Competition.... aaaaahhhhh.

But, I am confused as to why these folks call it the simple life. Seriously. There's nothing simple about plowing a field with a horse drawn plow.  Or harvesting the same field with out modern machinery.  This sounds rather hard and laborious, if you ask me!

Plain people - this term I comprehend. They wear no jewelry, don't cut their hair, dress very modestly, no make-up... I get that. And I think it might be kind of refreshing to sans a make-up for a week.  Plain, yes. Simple?  I think not.

The family we are renting guest quarters from has three boys the ages of our older kids, and the mom is delightful on the phone, which is in the shed, and used only for the guest house booking purposes.  I am looking forward to meeting them - and she said her boys would be so excited to play with our kids!

Which leads me to a new problem (as if I don't have enough): I have to get these kiddies into disciplinary shape before we go, as Amish kids are much better behaved than the average houligan!  Last thing I want is for my kids to corrupt theirs - sheesh! Talk about guilt!  So, I have gotten out the hard hat and drill sargent whistle... game on gals, game on!

WHERE R U?

So surprised to see NO comments to my last blog... the one about the weight loss Christmas card? Keep up, people, keep up!  Well, the New Year had to come in with a bang, as #3 decided to shake his groove thang while standing on the edge of the bathtub (we have never, nor will ever demonstrate this move... or any move naked on the edge of the tub - he's 4 1/2, it was his own original idea).  This resulted in the right front baby tooth being SHOVED up into the gum ALL THE WAY, and in the process nicking the bone; that's what happens when you fall and slam your mouth - teeth in particular - on the edge of said tub.  OUCH!!!!  Also, he moved a few other teeth, but they will be OK.  We are praying for the tooth to come on back down.  

I just want to let you know that not only will he need therapy for this, but so will I.  Folks, we are talking SERIOUS pain and LOTS and LOTS of blood... and shaking, on both parts.  I'm still having nightmares!  Now is NOT the time to cut back on the Diet Coke, Elixir of Life.

The Hub did a nice thing - he bought me a Sonic gift card for Christmas... loaded with $100!!!!  Whooo - hooooo!!!! Or, so I thought until he made the snide comment about how quickly it would dwindle with my current DC habit.  Which irritated me... because he's right. And that irritated me too!  So, this morning I cooked his goose... I pilfered through his wallet for a nice crisp $20 with which to purchase my beverages. HA! Now, I'll just use some of his wallet's cash (b/c, you know it is all 'our' money), and my Sonic gift card will last much longer than anticipated by the Snarky Hub, and I will win!  And he will not be the wiser!  He might think I've cut back and quit riding my case (OK, he's so laid back that it really isn't riding, or nagging, or even suggesting,... more like a benign comment here and there... or more there; but for the sake of this blog, he's relentless!!!). I am a genius.  GO ahead, adore me!  I know, I know, I am again your hero!!!!

*NOTE: I would type 'heroine', which is the female of hero, but it looks like I am comparing myself to an illegal mind-altering substance, which I am totally against using.  And I am not comfortable with that comparison at all.  In fact, I have a wedgie, and am not comfortable period.

But, as I type, I am heating water for a delightful glass of Nas-Tea.  Sound delicious?  Guess again.  I bought this 'tea' (it really is high quality oolong chinese tea) off the internet after reading about its natural antioxidants and surprising appetite suppressant effect.  Well, I can tell you their secret on the latter part really easily... it tastes like a dirty dishrag has soaked in greasy water for a few days in 140 degree heat with a side of wafting dog poo.  Seriously.  It is NAS-TEA!!!! And this is what I call it!

Now, it may have enough antioxidant properties to counteract all my DC consumption, but no special recipe can knock that taste, I tell ya... IT.IS.BAD.  But, I spent money on it (OK, I have done stupider things you know... no need to bring any of those up now though), and I will therefore drink it.  And I am almost through my first box!!!  OH, yea, I have more than one box - yeah me.

Funny thing, though it doesn't really suppress my appetite (must be one of those unlucky ones), I have actually acquired a taste for the tea.  Sure hope it isn't like the Greek gum....