Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Hallmarks of a Successful Vacation

There are specific hallmark characteristics of a successful vacation.  You may experience some or all of the following:

1. Exhaustion. (best cured by excessive Cheetos intake)
2. Lack of Cash Flow (or any flow; think the well has dried up, nothin' but lint, start hockin' your old stuff on eBay - I can hear the debit card crying and the bank laughing... not good)
3. Physical, Bodily Pain (most likely from carrying all four children and their luggage - mostly non-necessary items - sometimes ALL of it at once, followed by sitting still in a car or plane or train for at least 17 hours straight)
4. Intense Desire to be Alone (this is called being 'peopled out', and specifically is in reference to the people you just spent eight days in a car/hotel/hotel bathroom with).
5. Loss of Verbal Skills (really, what more could you have to say to these people?)
6. Dazed Look (and confused at how so few people could dirty SO many clothes in ONE day!)
7. Disrupted Sleep ( because everyone is in their bed and no one is kicking you or stealing the covers/pillow/ whole bed; also caused by getting up in the night to change the laundry or it'll be Christmas before you're caught up!)

If you or someone you know is experiencing one or more of these symptoms, medicate with copious amounts of Diet Coke and Cheetos.  There is hope!!!

My New Editor

Apparently, Blogspot has decided to edit my The Great Fleecing Blog without prior notification or precedent;  we are now at war.  We are greatly relieved that Our New Editor has decided to leave the definition of the Fleecathon: the Great Fleecing in place for all to see!  Add this to your vocabulary next family vacation.  We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you; I'll be in therapy for the stiffling of my creativity!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Great Fleecing

Oh, the great fleecing,... The Fleecathon: when parents are stripped of their money in an effort to create lasting fun, family memories that will enrich and enhance the lives of all family members; any time a parent hands out money hand over fist in order to placate a child or children in an effort to promote, or simply maintain, peace and harmony on a family vacation;  

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Days 1,2,and 3 of Roadtrip '08

Well, we've successfully made it through three days of the '08 Roadtrip, and we have so far had one severely cut hand (no stitches required per the Hub), and three unknown bug bites, and no fatalities.  Pretty good for a family vacation!

We've had such an awesome time with Sister M'Bellish and company, and enjoyed the joys of one of the nicest, upscale malls; I do believe that I will survive the closing of the greatest store on earth!  God is good, guys and dolls, God is good!  

Turns out that #4 is an awesome traveler and has many adoring fans now in multiple states - she IS gorgeous, you know.  We did get her some royal clothes and will stop by the royal cobbler's establishment (Stride Rite) before heading to the indoor water park extraordinaire!!!  Must say I am quit happy that the Masses did not do ANY property damage at the Parkies' house - hallelujah!!!!

We have enjoyed the delicious cuisine of Matt's Rancho Martinez Mexican Food Restaurant (to which there is no comparison for the chicken chili relleno with green sauce - not red - GREEN); we then proceeded to pretend to work off our gluttony at the North Park (oh, it should be referred to with great deference and honor).  Tomorrow, we will don our bathing suits and pretend to ignore the aftereffects of the chili relleno - so worth every extra mile!

If I seem a little scattered, I am now mainlining Diet Coke with reckless abandon.  I think I'll need an intervention when the holidays are over.  But until then, pass the 2 liter baby!!!!  Well, gotta go sleep so I can get up and have more Diet Coke tomorrow!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Rocket (as promised)

Well, so far my advertising hasn't gleaned me any more followers, but I have only begun to brainwash - muh wah wah wah wah wah!!!! (Insert evil laugh and handwringing). 

Yes, it is that roadtrip time of year, and in the heart of every parent that means mass chaos and a bald spot from pulling out your hair.  Thankfully, with the invention of the TV in the car, the old road trip songs are much catchier - nothing like the Masses' favorite show's theme song for ten hours!!!!  And, since there are sooooo any of us, and we like to haul lots of stuff where ever we go, we put the Rocket on top of my nice new ultimate driving machine (UDM).

What is the Rocket?  Well, my uninformed friend, the Rocket is a suppository shaped storage device that rides on TOP of the UDM in PLAIN SIGHT advertising to the world that we have a large family and carry lots of c-r-a-p!  I have threatened to paint flames and/or flowers on it (spruce it up), as it tends to nest up there - it requires two adult men to hoist up there and position correctly; this requires The Hub contacting a buddy to lend a hand, and since it is NOT HIS vehicle, he is usually in no hurry to call in a favor. It rides for MONTHS on my car... the price I pay for a week away!

No, it isn't bad enough that I drive the UDM, it now has a flying suppository attached to the top. Yeah, me.  It is sooooo nifty that I had a senior citizen follow me to enquire where I purchased said lovely suppository.  All I need is a track suit, fanny pack, and a Metamucil wafer - look out bingo night!!!

We are taking the fam to Tejas, and as Sister Scout says, nothing like a family vacation to land you in divorce court!!!  I'm hoping there are no sudden deaths due to repeated 'are we there yets'!  BUt just to be on the safe side... keep us in your prayers.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Tis the season and Bah-humbug!

For those of you who don't know me so well, I am the Grinch.  I love the reason for the season, though Christ was most likely born in April or thereabouts, but not all the hoopla that comes with it.  And I could definitely do without the seven our eight weeks of Christmas music!!!  Nothing like trick or treating to Christmas Carols!!!!

So, it is nothing short of a miracle that I wrapped my first Christmas presents today.  Sister Scout just fell over, passed out cold from the shock, no doubt!!!  Yep, Mrs. Claus did some online shopping, and Nana sent some gifts early, and in order to prevent nosey Masses from discovering their booty, I had to wrap.

Now, there are your Martha Stewarts.
You have the professionals at the department or specialty stores.
There are the crafty moms.
Experienced grandmas.
Up and coming wives that want impress.
Your kids.
The Hubs.
My ten month old.
And there is me.

Please note where I rank in the scale of skill - so sub-amateur that the elevator doesn't even go that low!  You'd think that the invention of the gift bag would have been a God-send, but you are wrong, my friend, you are wrong.  In the hands of a professional, it becomes a veritable bouquet of fluff and festivity; in my hands, it's just a fancy paper bag with tissue paper crammed into it.  This is NOT my gifting.

I remember as a wee lassie, sitting at me mummies knee attempting to learn the great art of tying fancy bows (all the rage at the time - there were classes and everything!); we'd take the ribbon with the wire in it, in shades of country blue or dusky rose and twist and tie, fluff and curve.  Alas, it was not to be for me.  I failed the family legacy... OK, a wee bit dramatic here.  I let my sister do it!

If I cared enough I might hire a professional to wrap the presents, decorate the tree (OK, the kids do it... 'nuff said; VERY bottom heavy on the ornamentation), and decorate the house, and VOILA!!! Southern Living, here I come.

But I don't. Oh, I care that Christ came, that he lived, that he died (FOR ME - whew! Glad I don't have to do that!) and that he rose again (the real biggie, along with ascending into heaven and sitting at the Right hand of God the Father Almighty, in whom is given all power and authority - that part REALLY counts!!!) - I care a lot about that!

I just don't care enough to spend all that time learning how to wrap presents.  But I admit that today I hit a new low in the wrapping world - I measured wrong and ended up splicing paper together. Gosh! I feel like I've been to confession - forgive me, for I have sinned!!!

I'm really ashamed of myself.  I feel like I've hit rock bottom!  I admit it!  I don't care about wrapping presents!!!!

This could be a turning point for me, you know? I think I might just rewrap that present...

Coming up: (yes, I am now advertising future blogs seeing as I have ONE FOLLOWER - sheesh, even David Koresh had more than that!!!)  The Rocket - COOL in the terms of parenting!  You won't want to miss that one, but no rush, as the Hub usually drags it out for WEEKS!!!! 

Also, A Home in Mourning: Life after Pip Passes.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Let it snow, Baby!

As I type, the basement is being ravaged by four boys - two are mine and two are guests.  I am scarred to go down there!!!

So, why am I so concerned with snow?  Well, let me explain! (like I wasn't going to anyway - this is my blog and that's what I do... yada yada yada!!!!)

Yesterday, as I dressed for the day, I daringly decided to try on the skinny jeans - the post baby jeans were getting rather roomy - so I dug them out.  Believe it or not, they fit pretty well!  I checked in the 'rearview' mirror... NOT BAD!!!  then I turned around to straighten my shirt...

I looked like a snowman!!!!

I fainted!!!

Apparently, all my extra skin and post baby fluff had easily slid above the jeans line, and was now orbiting my waistline, beneath my boobs!!!!  Yea! I have my own ring - look out Saturn, competition comin'!

I looked like a snowman with even 'balls': boobs, orbiting belly fluff, and the lower half.  Seriously, I had to laugh or I'd be suicidal with shock and grief!!!!  What is this stuff?  It seems all loosy goosy and jiggly... could this be... SKIN?  GOod grief!!!!

I have officially decided that if this satellite continues to orbit my planet, I'm taking the kids' college funds and getting a tummy tuck!  Really, I think it would be for the best - kids have sane, happy momma... or kids have college education to get a good job to support their crazy, fluffy momma who wears track suits and sips Diet Coke all day!!! (hey, I wear yoga pants - waaaayyyyy different that a track suit! And I GUZZLE DIet Coke - I AM a professional, ya know)  GAAAWWWDDD - I might even start watching soap operas and reading TV Guide!  Lord save us all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and this morning, yes THIS morning, we ended Pip's vacation - Sophia and Orrin caught her and returned her to her nice townhouse sized cage.  She'll have to just dream about her time under the dryer!!!!

THere's the timer for the boys' cookies!!!!  Better 'fluff' my way in there (watch me wiggle, see me jiggle, cool and fruity - sure, I'm a little fruity... or is that nutty?)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

WANTED

WANTED:

One black and white dwarf hamster, approximately 2 inches long, beady black eyes, tiny tail.  Last seen Thursday, November 13th, in the vicinity of the dryer, keeping questionnable company with copious dust bunnies. Apparently, not answering to the name of "Pip".

REWARD:

Life long love and devotion of four children and their fabulous mother, fresh carrot and apple slices, and a beagle-free habitat!  Please contact owner if spotted or caught.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

More Revenge for Woodie

While I'd like to think that this blog will be inspiring, causing some of you to live better, fuller lives... I have a feeling I'm gonna fall short of that mark!!!  Thank you, Sister Lunch Lady, for your assistance with the 'Woodie' problem.  She called with a rec to try AttackSpider.com, for a realistic, sound and motion operated fuzzy black, rather large spider that drops from the eaves of the house to terrify ol' Woodie into moving!!! Love it!!! 

Attack Spider costs about $15 for one, and if you buy in bulk, there's a discount.  In fact, you can get a case, which is some serious Attack action (!), for $216 - I know this has to be , like 32 or something.  Now, listen up - if you need that many Attack Spiders, then you have more than a woodpecker problem... you have an epidemic.  In fact, it would be a whole lot more cost effective to just go with the flow and list your domicile as a woodpecker haven and habitat!

The ol' if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em theory!!! Besides, there might be some type of tax relief in providing a natural habitat for an endangered species... worth checking out, don't ya think?

So, today, as I picked up the basement (where the Masses reside), both the Hub and I noticed an offensive smell - think a skunk got hit by a car carrying a bunch of very poopy horses in the Arizona desert on a 140 degree day with a driver carrying a bunch of bottles of simulated doe urine - that's the smell.

I start investigating, once I determine that all the hammies are accounted for (didn't want to find a dead, rotting hammie).  As I enter our 9 year-olds room, the smell intensifies.  I start towards her bathroom... and the hairs in my nose are singed off!!!  I enter the bathroom, and I am temporarily blinded by the aroma of dead and decaying - well, something dead and decaying!!!!

I steady myself against the towel rack, and forge ahead!  Each step is an olfactory assault - tears are sliding down my face, I am gasping for breathe... I reach the potty... I lift the lid... and I am knocked almost unconscious by the smell...

A GIANT FERMENTING "POOH-POOH - HAUNTED - US" REARS ITS DISSOLVING HEAD!!!!!!!
AAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Funny thing is, NO ONE will own up to it!!!! In fact, according to our kids, they haven't pooped in about a week!!!!!  THereby giving them alibis for the 24 - 48 hour time frame (based on decomposition and fragrance) of said crime.  Continuing to investigate...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Me vs. Mother Nature

So, Mother Nature and I are at war; not the kind that comes monthly, no, I mean the REAL Mother Nature.  You know, managing... well, nature.  We are no longer friends.

I know, you are just DYING to know why.  Well, we have a woodpecker problem.  A real live, very pesky woodpecker. At first, Woodie ( like you could think of a better name!) was just an annoyance; peck, peck, peck on the window facing outside #4's window.  I'd just bang on the window, or open the front door, and off he'd go.

However, as winter draws near in these here parts (of the woods), Woodie and his cozy little family are apparently looking to make a more permanent investment in property - MINE!!!!

THe Nanny (aka One Of God's Greatest Gifts) alerted me to the Woodie situation worsening - he'd pecked a hole in the stucco facing!  Stupid bird!!!!  One hole I can deal with.  But the story doesn't end here.

Virtually overnight, Woodie shifted in to overdrive and pecked FOUR HOLES, surprisingly evenly spaced, around the upper facing of #4's window!!!!

Entrance, exit, skylight, and ventilation.

So, I called the Fish and Game Commission.  The older gent I spoke with kindly informed me that woodpeckers were indeed a problem (DUH!!!), and that he'd copy some info for me to read.  Also, more importantly, it is against federal and state law to shoot them, as they are endangered species!!!! ( He must have read my mind)

OH, DEAR WOODIE, IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW IN-DANGERED YOU REALLY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, now that his condo is complete we haven't heard much from him.  Nonetheless, I plan on doing something about his new roost before spring is heralded by the cheeping and pecking of Woodie's progeny!  But, according to the xeroxed info, there isn't much I can do effectively, long-term to rid my residence of Woodie, the Unwanted Guest.  Poison is outlawed, too.  Rats! Owls, falcon decoys... all have to be there BEFORE Woodie or any of his buddies come a knockin'!  One can construct elaborate netted devices to keep the buggers away, but again, most only work if you erect them BEFORE your pesky new friend makes himself at home.

I am officially open for suggestions. On the Woodie situation. Let's keep it to that for now!


Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Beast Goes into Hibernation

OK, this is a different 'beast' than I usually refer to with the Scrapheads - this is the Soccer Mom Beast.  She is defined by her excessive enthusiasm during her sons games, coaching from the sidelines, yelling behind parents taping their kids' games, and inability to sit during said games!  This Beast requires Sonic DC, sunglasses, sunscreen, and a fair ref - plus a friend or two to hollar with (very important, otherwise the Soccer Mom Beast is a loner, which is NOT the norm for this particular animal!)!!!!

Also, this Beast tends to know every kid on the team by first and MIDDLE name - useful when someone kicks the ball into the wrong goal!  She isn't afraid to tell her own kid to pay attention and get in there and get that ball - she does exhibit good sportsmanship when he scores his 8th goal by not yelling, yet again, 'that's my boy!!!"

THis Beast is ME!!!!  I was never one to cheer at high school games or college games, and really have very limited experience in the sports' knowledge arena, but I make up for what I lack with pure enthusiasm and motherly love - and I have A LOT of that!!!!!  It doesn't hurt that the boys LOVE this game, and really want to play, and play hard... that they LOVE to score, and they LOVE to hear their mama cheering for them.  And I have reassurance from the HUB that I have yet to embarrass him - love the 'yet' part; nothing like a challenge!!!!

So I have the winter to regroup, save my voice, and learn a little more about the game - THE BEAST has to train too, ya know!!!!  Can't wait for spring... and a full moon, and a good soccer game... the transformation will begin,... and baby, I'll be back!!!!

GOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!