I've been looking through my old high school and college pics as I reconnect with my buds from years gone by. Aside from being depressed at how young I looked then (compared to now), and extremely entertained by the clothes and hair (Kaci, you were queen of teaser comb - you had one and weren't afraid to use it), I realized that each set of pics brought back so many memories - they seemed so fresh!
I read love letters from high school and college beaus, and felt so sad that I know two hearts that I shattered. No, I am not being boastful; we've all broken a heart or two! I just read them for the first time in so long, and realized that, yea, I hurt these fellas' hearts. And I feel badly about it. As a grown woman, I thought about how I was gonna need to use this info to help my kids' through a broken heart, or letting the sweetheart down easy. It's inevitable. And I dread it.
I saw pics from the first few years after my mom died, and I didn't see a happy college girl at a function or dance, I saw the abandoned, wounded girl I was. I still see what few people (others than those close to me) saw; not even my family could see. And that hurts. There is a reason I haven't been down this road in a long time.
But, it's time to put them in an album, and give them a place in my history. These events shaped me, whether I like it or not. They played a part in making me who I am - the rest was up to God. I think He's done better than I would have given what He had to work with!! I watched my face glow in pictures with my husband; I could see the same look in his eyes that I do tonight - we are in love! What a dramatic evolution from the insecure, self-conscious teenager I once was, to .... well, ... ME! Oh, sure, I deal with insecurity, low self-esteem, days of knowing I have been the worst mom on the face of the earth! I don't think that will ever change. I just have learned to get up, dust myself off, and get back up on the horse, so to speak.
And I have learned to laugh like never before about my most embarrassing moment, which Kaci just learned lo these many years later, though she was there that night... and is now sworn to secrecy! I am afraid some of you don't know me well enough for this one - it's doozy!!!!
Yep. We have to go back sometimes from whence we came, in order to see how far we've really come!!!!
Granted, I don't plan on staying in some places too long. I'll put them in an album, record my thoughts, and close it up. Someday maybe my kids will read it and gain some insight into their dear momma. I'd much prefer that to telling it all over again myself.
And some, well, I'll keep them around longer, right out in the open - these are lessons I need to refer to more often! Or ones that make me smile, or laugh hysterically until I cry and almost wet my britches! Yeah, those are gonna stay out for a while!!!
Good night, all! Gotta go clean up the doggie poop!
(Really, I haven't come that far in every area, now have I!!!!!!!!!!!!)
No comments:
Post a Comment