On the Subject of my Heredity

Today I had a SHOCKING discovery:  My father is a redneck!!!!  Lo, all these many years, I thought he was simply born in a small country Texas town, and, realizing he was a misfit, rose above the dirt backroads to become a respected US Gov't Lawyer (yes, lawyers can be respected, sometimes), living in the Big City of Fort Worth with his intelligent, beautiful Junior League wife (she was the daughter of a small town farmer... hmmmm....).  I was sooooo wrong!

I received an email today from DOD (dear ol' Dad), and in reply he shared some details from his childhood most alarming: skunk spraying, cow milking, hog raising, chicken feeding, coon hunting (complete with coon hounds), FFA membership,... oh, the list goes on!!!!

Now, I'd heard the hog raising stories, and the FFA membership, but never with the amount of pride echoing in his voice, the nostalgic tears brimming in his eyes, no doubt!  I thought he went to the ballet/symphony/theatre because he loved it - no, it's all a sham!!!!!!!  He's a redneck who after 75 years has steadfastly REFUSED TO BUY A FOREIGN CAR (except a few years with a lemon Mercedes for Mom, which made up his mind for all eternity - so I thought - that any motor vehicle conceptualized on another continent was evil and probably made by the Taliban)  NOW DRIVES A BRIGHT YELLOW NISSAN XTERRA!!!!!!  

THIS IS NOT THE FATHER WHO RAISED ME!  APPARENTLY , AGE HAS BROUGHT SENILITY AND IT ISN'T GOING TO BE PRETTY!!!!!!!!!

He's spiraled quickly, as the car was a recent purchase.  Prior to, he's drivena firetruck red Ford with fondness and pride.  Where was this man when I was growing up?  The Nana wants a Lexus, and he said he would rather BUY HER A TOYOTA!!!!  It's like comparing Pink Lady apples with Braeburn - what's the difference!!!!! They're Both apples!!!!

I'm definitely going to need that therapy now - he is no longer the stubborn opinionated man he once was!  He's willing to yield a little, maybe a lot, and venture into the world of foreign vehicles - this from the man who ridiculed me when I bought a little Honda sports coupe years ago (oh, long since traded in for the Sterling transportation choice of all mothers, the Minivan!).  I could have used a little flexability YEARS ago when I wanted to apply to more than one college (not everyone Wants to go to Baylor).  But that's in the past, this is the future.

And these are uncharted waters, the open road, the high seas!  Did I mention that I get car and seasick?

No comment?

What? Cat got your tongue? Speechless? HA! I know you gals, and you ain't speechless, that's for sure!  So, tonight, I decided to check the site, and see what type of snarky replies and witty comments you have for me, and what was I greeted with?  Cyber-silence.  It sounds like this:"           ", only a lot longer, and quieter (lonely, I'm so lonely....).  Seriously.  I provide a forum for all your fodder, and what do I get in thanks?  "         ". What do you have to say for yourselves?  Nothing?  I thought so!  All these opinions and ideas, rotting inside the prisons of your mind - OK, that was a little dramatic, but it could be true!  So, start talkin', dang it!  Be funny! Be brilliant! Be YOU! (Now, don't you feel inspired?)  Start typing. I'll be checking tomorrow.  This assignment is due by the end of the week.  Hop to it.  And I'll KNOW if you slack off and procrastinate, Missy!!!

NOW!!!

Another Addendum

We also add chiggerfest to tickfest, and we are totally infested; way to go Hub!  He came home with some remedies for this whole problem: 1) apply baby oil to skin prior to rolling in ticks and chiggers and basically inviting them to feast on your live flesh 2) if they attack, which they will, use hairspray to suffocate them!  Now, can't you see a whole posse of boyscouts carrying baby oil and hairspray into the woods??????  How and WHY did someone figure this out????? There's gotta be more to this story....

Addendum

I forgot to mention that I also ordered the body to with the panties! 'Yeah' for me!!!!!

More and More panties

Wow! There may not be any comments on this site, but you gals and the Hair Guru (if you are reading, which you should be), have a lot to say about the panties!!!  I've had phone calls and emails, and it appears our undergarments are quite the hot topic, and I don't mean just with out significant others!

You'll be happy to know that I purchased some new panties today in the CORRECT size and a variety of eye-pleasing colors, and that they will be delivered soon.  From where? Well, I felt like I was going to a porn site once I got there b/c of all the mostly naked, provocatively posed anorexic air-brushed (AMEN!!!!) barely adolescent girls modeling their undergarments and such (I use this term loosely).  I went to Vicky's, of course, and I do believe that I may have developed a bit of prudishness - I was a little offended by how much flesh I saw proudly and freely displayed! What ever happened to the power of suggestion and a healthy imagination? This is definitely not a site I want the Hub going to - I'll buy my own hot'n heavy duds, thank you very much!!!  

Seriously, does it stretch the mind so much to conjure uses for some lacey fabric about 2 inches square?  And what about the average female body prancing around in this 2 square inches of fabric, compared to the mental image of the perfect 'I-haven't-eaten-since-Clinton-was-in-office' body with the face of an 18 y/o angel?  I would like to see a real woman that's had several kids (a few by C-section) in this stuff, so I can get an ACCURATE picture of how good or bad I will look. I don't think that's asking too much.  If I dare be so bold, I demand it!!!

So, I want to start a grass roots movement ! Oh, I think I just did - we need to get the message out that we want real women in real advertising! Normal, healthy gals with zest for life and the desire to wear great panties!  So, girls, pick your style, pick your color, pick your place! 

FYI: as the founder of this grass roots movement, I am under no obligation to model panties, undies, or skivvies, nor am I legally responsible for anyone who chooses to do so on behalf of this movement. All restrictions apply.

The Sizing of the Underwear Issue

Yes, it is still an issue. So, I tell the Hub before bed about the whole panty problem, and he asks me how undies are sized... really?  I then realized that I buy his skivvies, so he has no clue.  I thought about this for a moment and began to giggle, he began to snore. I saved it for you.

Most people would think that it would be S, M, and L, and they would be wrong!

See, the sizing thing has more to do with the styles and the way a woman feels about her body. How so?  Well, let's take a look at the classic example: the thong.  This is no more a piece of underwear than a pool noodle is a lifejacket!  Women who wear a thong feel GOOOOODDD about themselves, and their posterior region.  They don't mind a fresh breeze coolin' things off one darn bit.  They don't actually NEED panties, so why on earth would they need a panty liner?  Oh, come on - you know you've seen the box in the girlie aisle and thought "if you need a liner with a thong, then today is NOT the day to wear a thong!" Amen?

And the hipster is a classic example of undies for a girl who likes to be a little trendy but not defloss herself on a regular basis; same with the bikini - only this chickie has less post-baby belly hang to reign in, if any at all.  I have a sneaky suspicion that the thong girls and the bikini babes mix a lot; bet you'd find BOTH in their drawers!!!

And there's the granny panty girl (can she be called that?). She takes total comfort over fashion, and may have no interest what-so-ever in trendy dress.  SHe may also be at the age where she doesn't suspect anyone will be peekin' at her bloomers, let alone ripping them off with his teeth!  She may not remember the last time that happened,... if ever!!!  These are not recommended clothesline fodder... they block the sun!

And what about the Spanks or 'birdles'; well, ladies, we all need a pair at one time or another, so I see no fault here - just plain old realism!

Oh, and the Hub says he DOES know how to buy skivvies for men folk, just didn't have a clue about how the women folks' breeches were sized. I'd suggest he err on the side of wild, and NEVER buy the granny panties for me!!!

On the Subject of Personal Matters

I need new panties. Seriously. If I were to be in an accident, I wouldn't have to worry about them being cut off, they'd disintegrate in the ER teams hands.  This is NOT the way I want to be remembered!  I haven't bought new panties, with the exception of the 'birdle' (the under the bra to thigh ultra control device I wore after the C-section), since #3.  Face it - it's time.

So, I went to the site that Sybil recommended as the 'best most comfortable, no panty line, no riding up place' for skivvies.  And I must confess, they did look comfortable on the anorexic model displayed on my computer monitor.  So, I decided to give 'em a try - why not?  I select my size, based on the handy pop-up sizing chart, and the colors that I think will most fit my wardrobe, and press enter... and a little message flashes up: panties run small, order one size up!

WHAT!!!!!!??????????????

I look around the room - is there a hidden camera? Do they think I'm lying? Is some little lady around the world in an internet control room saying to her little friend: " No way!! Her butt bigger than THAT!!!!"

And why would I want to ORDER ONE SIZE UP?  These are my UDNERGARMENTS, for cryin' out loud!  One has to pick the correct size or suffer irreparable damage from a terminal wedgie!!!  Jeans, you can SQUEEZE into, ... but panties? No way.  And I know Stacy and Clinton say its not the size, but the fit,... but who are they kidding?  I'm not fooled!  A girl gets to feelin' all good about herself thinking, yea, I'm gonna need me this here size... not too shabby,... be lookin' mighty fine.... ANd then - WhAMMO! PSYCH! (oh, the '80's were good weren't they?)  Now you're one size up and that just mentally makes your biscuits grow.  I went and looked at my hiney (not naked, good heavens, I'm crazy not stupid!), and I swear it was larger than it was this morning!!!! Wrong!  Now, back to our accident scene: I'd be frightened of being in an accident, and the ER staff thinking I'm one size,... but wait! Her panties are a size larger!  The psychological damage alone from ordering one size up, could set me back years in therapy - which I haven't started yet, but, really, isn't it inevitable?

TRUST ME - SIZE DOES MATTER, ESPECIALLY WITH REGARDS TO PANTIES!!!!!!!!!!  NO ONE WANTS TO BE THE WEARER OF GRANNY PANTIES!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like Sybil's had it in for me all along - shocking? I think not.  And as for new undies? I think not. So I'm gonna wash my hole-y panties so I have some for tomorrow. WHich, by the way are the appropriate size, not that I can still read the label, but I do remember, oh yes I do! Doesn't feel like a 'commando' day to me.