Day dream believers

And Homecoming Queens... of which I never was one! So, today I am thinking of all the things I thought I wanted to do someday, and all the things, I have done, and am planning, and wondering if I am fulfilling God's great plan for my life. Nothing deep, you know, the usual! 

I would never have guessed I'd end up the mother of four children, and some days I pretend they belong to someone else (esp. in Walmart, or at the Olive Garden in Branson the other day) - but I am always so grateful for them when I watch them sleeping, and hear them laughing, and realize that I could have chosen something so different.

I thought I wanted to be a secret agent with the FBI, or CIA; until I learned that I'd have to be OK with sneaking around in the dark... and my deeply rooted fear of the dark won out. Then, maybe and archeologist; that too went by the wayside after I learned about the bugs and the dirt and the digging in it... yea, not for me so much.

Next, I decided that I would love to be a recording artist. And for this I had the talent. But my parents talked me out of majoring in music, and told me they wouldn't pay for me to do that (big decision maker there) because they were afraid I'd fail and starve... or worse, move home. Love and support. BUt I don't blame them. I think I should thank them! After all, I decided to go into nutrition, and there begins the love story of me and the Hub. (This was a brief summary of my formative years... very brief; but the highlights!)  And with that, four kids.

Pretty amazing for just an ordinary gal. Which makes me wonder why I still feel like there is something I am supposed to be doing (besides laundry). Yet, I am so clueless as to what that is! Should I be a writer? (well, you're reading this...) Should I start a business? (please, no!) What is it that I am supposed to be doing? (again with the laundry comment? you have a one tract mind!) I'm not sure, but I'm keeping my options open.

And going to start the laundry, already!

Much Ado About Nothing

I'd like to preface this blog with the statement: I am not really that much of a Shakespeare fan. And this has not much to do with Shakespeare, other than the use of his title. This blog is about nothing. That's correct: nothing. There are several types of nothing. Yes, there are. Think about it. Or, I'll save you the brain cells and explain 'em.

1)Nothing. This is what you say on an average day to a friend's inquiry of "whatcha doing?" "oh, nothing." Or, "nothing much." this means that you aren't doing anything out of the ordinary or worth wasting your breath and their time talking about.

2) Nu-thiiiinn... This is what your kids say when you hear a strange noise like the cat being loaded into the dryer, or eggs frying on the stove and you call out 'what's that noise?' or "what are you doing?' Their answer: nu-thiiiinn (in a little sing-song voice). It usually means something, and specifically something really bad, and you'd better get off your hiney and hustle in there before the smoke alarm goes off, missy!! (no personal experience here - pure speculation)

3) Nothing. Be careful not to confuse this nothing with #1, as they are VERY different! #1 means you are doing something... this nothing means you are doing nothing.... Nothing that uses any brain waves, voluntary or involuntary, no actual work or function other than that of breathing. This 'nothing' is the most elusive, because the minute you start to tell someone about it, well, there it goes! You're doing something, and thus nothing is very over! Watching TV? Nope, that's something - watching TV! Duh! Sleeping? Nope! That in itself is a definable action. Blogging? Still definable... starting to get it? 

Thus, when one says one is doing nothing, it is safest to assume he/ she is actually performing rote, daily tasks so mundane they'd snooze the brain off a sloth! To be doing actually #3 nothing is a real challenge, and should not be undertaken by your average individual. Leave this up to the professionals!!! And today I had the pleasure of talking with one such professional who braggingly shared with me - once she had finished doing #3 nothing - that she'd been doing #3 nothing and would be going back to #3 nothing after her phone break with me! I was humbled and astonished to be graced by such greatness! I myself spend the majority of my time doing #1 nothing in pursuit of caring for my family and home, and had to bask in her... well... nothing-ness! I had no idea we had this kind of talent here!! 

Do you think she offers seminars???? Gotta go do something....

(NOTE: this is written completely tongue-in-cheek, MY tongue in MY cheek!! I applaud those who eek out a little peace and quiet once or twice a month in order to maintain sanity... you see why I am not, therefore, sane...)

Bidets and Other THings We Never Talk About

Now, I don't know the last time you had a conversation about your toilet, or toilet-ing accessories, but there is a thing, used mainly in Europe, but in some homes here in the US, known as a bidet. We'll pause for a moment while you google the dictionary and look it up... go ahead... no, really,... go ahead. I'd prefer to wait than try to explain it.  Got it? Good!!! Wait a minute... are you too lazy to google or go to wikipedia, which if you google you can find an 8-step how to use a bidet... very handy!!!  Alright, here's the definition: 'a low-mounted plumbing fixture or sink intended for washing the genitalia, inner buttocks, or anus. ' Really. GO to wikipedia, and that's what is says... word. for. word.  Bluntly: it sprays water on your privates to clean 'em off after using the restroom.

Well, I rarely have the luxury of using the restroom by myself, what with four children, two dogs, and the Hub; someone is either outside the door talking to me, or crying to the point that I take her blankie-toting -16 month-redheaded-baby-self and plop her on my lap. If she can't handle the stench, she'll figure out how to leave, amen? This particular day (2 days ago, to be exact), Stella decided to join the fun - and what a party it was! Me, the baby, the dog, and the pooper... riveting. When what to my wondering senses occurred than the wee little doggie sniffing my behind (which means she was standing with her paws on the toilet seat, thus enabling her to attempt to cold-wet-nose my tushy out of the way so she could get a better whiff!!)!! I shooed her away... but this was temporary, as apparently the heightened senses of the canine allow them to pick out the more... uh, pleasant and favorable scents,... and she moved to a new tactic:

SHE STARTED LICKING MY BEHIND!!! THE PART JUST ABOVE THE SEAT!!!! REALLY!!!!

In one swift (oh, and I DO mean S.W.I.F.T.) I swatted her down, chucked the baby safely and gently to the floor, and hitched my skivvies back into place!! That was the end of that, my friends!!!

But, apparently, Stella took that as an open invitation to barge in and grab a 'whiff and lick' anytime, as the minute I head to the potty... click click click... here she comes!! I have to race to shut the door - and sometimes I just want to wash my hands for cryin' out loud!! Not to mention the PTSD - I'm getting a little jumpy just thinking about the fact that my bladder is ready to build a canoe and launch itself!! What to do??? Oh, what to do???

For starters, I may need therapy... or is it the dog?  So, I relay the story to Sister Sassy Loope, who in her characteristic glass half-full manner gives me good advice: who needs a bidet when one has a bidog!!!!

All about Bears

OK, so this blog really has nothing to do with bears, but I couldn't think of a better title. What it has to do with is specifically the colloquial sayings that over generations and geography have become a part of who we are, and how they are passed on.  More specifically, one saying which I had the delightful opportunity to lend my ear to today, and haven't stopped laughing!!

"I'm so hungry I could eat the ass off a bear!!!"

YES!!! That is REALLY what I heard someone say today, and she knows who she is!!! That inspired me to go home and fix myself a plate-o-food lest a dingleberry-bearing, furry, nasty, smelly ol' bear behind look the least little bit appetizing!!!  Right after I called just about everyone I have a number for to tell 'em about this descriptive, exciting, creative way to describe the rib-gnawing hunger from dieting!!

In fact, if you are THAT hungry, and I doubt even Bear Grylls has ever been that hungry, and he eats all sorts of nasty ... well, crap... go get yourself a Big Mac and Fries and ditch the stupid diet!!!  And if you are into eating bear booty, are you picky? Is it grizzly versus black bear? Are pandas more tender than a brown bear? (I bet Panda would be really high dollar, actually.) Does age matter? I would think so... using veal as a guideline here. Butt tartar? Butt burgers?? Ooooh, you could go exotic and have polar bear (just don't eat the liver - it'll kill you from vitamin A toxicity)!   And that leads me to the all important question...

How exactly do you think the BEAR feels about this???

Now, I realize all of this is a bit frivolous in light of starving people in the world (and I bet they'd eat some bear hiney all right!), global warming, and the crashing economy, but one has to take time to laugh, especially at our selves, and most of all, at our friends!!!! I mean, why else keep 'em around, right? And that got me to thinking (shocking and dangerous, both)... what sayings are slipping out of YOUR mouth?? Share them with me!!

Well, gotta go pee like a racehorse....

(NOTE: Again, I have used some inappropriate, foul language. I was quoting someone, and feel that I should not be charged as guilty for such quote. I am responsible for the times that I choose to use this word in employing the above statement, though I think that seeing as it is a colloquial saying, it ought to count as a heritage thing, and therefore not require absolution. As for the 'c-r-a-p' word, please see my note about that on a previous blog. Thank you.)

May I See Some ID, Please?

Oh, how I love to hear those words, in the appropriate setting, which is almost anytime other than being pulled over for speeding (which has not happened in quite some time, and that I am very thankful for!) Yes, today I was carded again! No, I don't frequent the package store THAT much, but when a nice glass of Chardonnay would accompany the meal, well, I do stop in and grab a stash. Hence, this story.

So, I went to Jack's Package, which has a nicely stocked wine room, and chose a few bottles (I pick some I know I like, and then employ my spectacular new system that Food & Wine ought to publish: I pick names and labels I like! It's the wine room, ain't nothing bad in there!!). I approached the counter, and proceeded to check-out. I handed my debit card to the young whipper-snapper (meaning probably just 22) behind the counter, and low and behold!! He asked to see my ID!! Now, I will confess that after a little wallet theft incident at my sons 2nd birthday party, I have written 'please see ID' on the back, but they don't always ask... like in Italy, where they can't read what I wrote; in some cases, I fear that the cashier can't read.

So, I happily told him that if he'd have asked to see it without looking on the back, I might have been so happy I'd have come across the counter and kissed him (which I might have - I can get really happy)! Well, when I entered the store there was no one there; but by now, apparently there had developed a line (5 to 6 people) behind me... and several were women. One lady spoke up and said she'd love to see that, and could we try this again; so, I said, well... (pause) OK!!! Next thing I know my New Favorite Best Friend says he was gonna ask to see it anyway!!! I decided then and there to not judge him harshly for his youth or piercings or tats!! (note: 'tats' is slang for tattoos. I am not sure how to spell the slang, so go with it, OK!)

This was a man with discerning qualities, a man wise beyond his years, a man with appreciation for the finer things in life! Why, I bet he enjoys the symphony and ballet, and certainly can identify a real Armani at a glance. Yes, this fella is going somewhere!!! I wouldn't be surprised to hear he speaks multiple languages, and has traveled the world, lived in a monastery for a week or two, and stayed amongst the indigenous people along the Amazon River. Most likely, he is an accomplished photographer, and holds several degrees from well-respected universities world-wide! He's the kind of person you always invite to dinner parties because they can converse with anyone about anything, from your grandmother (who would worship the ground he walked on and giggle like a schoolgirl) to the President of the United States!!!

Or, he could have just been hoping for a tip...

An Apple a Day

Some days my titles just crack me up!! Yes, this is the Apple Lady story, and no she doesn't live down the lane... she lives in Dallas. I have a tendency to develop a real, personal relationship with customer service for any corporation I am forced at gun point to call ( or b/c my iPhone is dead and spiritually in heaven). And this is not because I am such a friendly gal, which I am, but because I have a house full of living objects that require little to no attention unless I have a phone receiver up to my ear in an active conversation, and then they are all bleeding, dying, maimed, missing a body part, or on fire... or all of the above... simultaneously.

The conversation I am about to relay to you took place over a remarkable short time span (despite the illusion that it could have taken much longer) of approximately 9 (nine) minutes:

(following general greetings and explanation of now heavenly iPhone our conversation went something like this - please note that I had #3 and#4, who are 5 and 1 respectively, home)

ME: Could you hold on for just a moment (#4 is now wailing like a police siren in my ear, and therefore her ear; I did not get her name because of the sirens)? I am so sorry, but I'll get her some milk, and then she'll feel better. I don't think she feels too great!

HER: oh, sure I understand I have children too!

ME: Thank you. So, as I was saying, did my husband happen to purchase the insurance plan?

(enter 5 y/o begging for food... again ; picture my hand in the universal stop sign, mouthing that I am busy)

Him: Can I get something to eat? Some cheese? some crackers? I don't want grapes... how about a cookie? Why not...

ME: I'm sorry, again. (covering phone) No cookies. You may have cheese... (going to fridge, getting cheese... opening). OK (I say to Mrs. Dallas)

HER: (she is talking but I hear nothing as an entire fleet of tanks now rolls down the hardwood floors into the kitchen, followed by the grinning, cheese-filled five year old. He is quite proud of his new army, and rolls it the other way... and back again... the house is shaking from the noise - we've exceeded tolerable decibels)

ME: I am sooo sorry, but I seem to be having a little trouble communicating with my 5 y/o!

HER: oh, I know all about that! My oldest is hard-headed!

ME: Well, I almost put this one out at the curb last week with a sign that said 'Free to Good Home'! (we are both laughing and exchange a few more kid stories - we could have lunch!)

HER: Do you want to express the new phone?

ME: Yes, and yes, you may get out a hamster (to #3).

HER: Oh, you have hamsters?

ME: Yep. Three dwarf hamsters, and two dogs. And the four kids.

HER: Are the hamsters all one gender?

ME: (chuckling) Oh, no. We thought we had three males, only to discover that one was female when she had a litter... and ate them; she then had another litter, which by the way was fathered by her brother. Funny thing, all the incestuous offspring have died off, and we have the original three, separated of course!

HER: Wow! Do you ever put them together?

ME: No! Except recently the boys did, and thought it hysterical that they were 'wrestling'! I had to intervene rapidly!! (we laugh together... we are thinking that perhaps an afternoon of shopping would be great! I am now walking down the hallway to the office where #3 has shut the door and is being V-E-R-Y quiet; #4 is banging on the door...)

ME: Oh, my, honey!! You can't do that to the hammie!! Oh, heavens, Aidan! Don't push him!!! STOP!! You're hurting him! Here give it to me... give me the whole thing... the cage, baby... not the truck! Oh, Good LORD! (I take the safari truck with accessorizing cage featuring the trauma of the day: Fuzzy is stuck halfway in, halfway out of the cage. He doesn't appear to be too thrilled with wearing the safari truck's cage. At this point as I carry the hamster and said cage down the hall, I remember that Mrs. Dallas is on the line, thinking we are crazy! I now explain what has happened)

ME.... I shouldn't be surprised after my house was broken into, for the third time, this morning!

HER: Oh, MY!! Is the hamster OK?

ME: Oh, yea, look - he's unstuck! I'll go put him away!

HER: ... You'll just mark the box and return blahblahblah...

(enter said 5 y/o AGAIN bawling at the top of his lungs about having nearly killed his hammie)

ME: It's OK, sweetie (I coo); Mommy put him back in his cage. I think he needs a little rest, OK? (now #4 enters the kitchen... it's like a crying parade! I bend to pick her up, and she snags my car keys, unbeknownst to me)

HER:... and the postage will be covered already; just be sure to return your old phone in 10 days... is that your house alarm????

 (the car alarm is now deafeningly blaring in the garage - the baby has pushed the panic button. She is now screaming from fright, drops the keys, and hides in my shoulder! I am now hysterically laughing! Or crying! I'm not sure which!!)

ME: No Ma'am! The baby set off the car alarm!!!

HER: Is there anything I can help you with???? (padded cell, therapist, full-time nanny???)

ME: You could come be my full-time nanny?!?! (silence from her) Nope. Just need a lot of Jesus and DIET COKE!!!

I know what she did on her break: she took that phone conversation 'which may be recorded for quality assurance', and replayed that bad boy for the whole office!!! Now everyone in Dallas thinks this poor Texas girl is stuck in Looneyville, Arkansas breeding incestuous hamster offspring, or WORSE, drinking Diet Coke (spiked, no doubt) and belongs to some weird religious cult centered around sirens!! Heaven help me!

From now on I'm using email.

Alien Invasion

Yes, Monday marked the THIRD time someone, who shall hence forth be known as the Intruder - gender non-specific, attempted to enter my home. The Intruder apparently has the uncanny knack for striking when I an conveniently, and thankfully gone, or they are watching me. I find the latter a very disconcerting possibility, and have now taken to wearing multiple layers of clothes; drawback is that I now look ten pounds overweight! To think it isn't enough to feel my home has been violated; NO! I must feel fat too! I think this person should be caught and sentenced to tread water in a thong four sizes too small with an audience of professional comedians making pot-shots... yea, that sounds good!!!

But I digress. My real reason to blog tonight, despite the fact that this is my blog, and I spent one hour talking non-stop to the Hub who patiently endured my logorrhea secondary to the death of the iPhone, and for the sake of my marriage and the Hub's sanity... well, I gotta get this off my chest (still waiting on the return of the Girls... anyone seen 'em??).

Every person I have told or retold the story to asks me the same insane question:

WAS YOUR DOOR LOCKED?

I find this completely the most ridiculous question EVER! It implies that if for some reason you don't lock your door, you are more than happy... in fact, it is an open invitation for some stranger with friends, potentially, to just walk right on into the place of your dwelling... your humble abode, and help themselves to your crap !!!* ( Please see disclaimer about this word in a previous blog)  In fact, if you don't lock your door, you should just expect it!!!

WHERE IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY AND RIGHT DID THIS MENTALITY COME FROM? This is MY HOUSE (NOTE: the yard is the Hub's, the house is mine; this was agreed upon in 'the beginning', and he likes it just fine, thank you very much.). NO ONE COMES OR GOES WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I DO NOT NEED TO LOCK MY DOOR TO BLOW YOUR TRESPASSING SELF TO KINGDOM COME FOR COMING INTO MY HOME UNINVITED!!! I have an alarm so that I don't have to pack heat, and so that if some trespasser chooses to BREAK THE LAW, and decide today is a good day to be STUPID (ooooh, the 'S' word) and try to get themselves arrested, we can happily oblige, courtesy of the Mountain Home Police Department!!! I have an alarm so that I can leave my home and, oh I don't know, take my children to school or the doctor, and come home without meeting someone new in a potentially threatening environment, thus scarring me for life and requiring me to live in a padded cell (which the Apple Service lady already thinks I need... 'nother story.)!

Now, just in case someone thinks after all these attempted break-ins that I have something fabulous and expensive in my home, let me remind you who I live with: 3 dwarf hamsters, two dogs, 4 (FOUR, four, f-o-u-r) kids under the age of 10, and one Hub. I have nothing of value to anyone but us; we have Little Tikes, Fisher Price, Hot Wheels, Imaginext, Bakugans, American Girl, Legos, and various other toy brands you will not find at Tiffany's!!  My priceless artwork consists of photos of my children and their pictures and paintings for me. To me these ARE priceless... but I doubt if anyone else (grandparents excluded) would want these nearly as much as I do. So, I have to ask myself, and the Intruder, what the heck do you want? I find myself at a cross-roads: I have never felt threatened living here, and yet now I feel like breaking out the 380 automatic and taking a little practice in one afternoon soon.

We live in a beautiful town, with very little crime considering, but with the economy (the scapegoat for all things unholy and just plain wrong) I fear we may see more of this... I just don't want to see it in my neighborhood.  So, tomorrow, after I lock the doors, set the alarm, and take the kids to school, I'll be asking the men and women on the MH police force to please patrol my area, specifically around the documented times of intrusion. Oh, we'll get you, you Intruder, and your little doggie too!!!!! (wicked witch cackle here)

Well, I'm too tired to tell you about the dead iPhone and my insane phone call to Apple... but I be I'll be feelin' perky after a good night's rest... so stay tuned!!!!