Phone Silence

Sybil broke phone silence today; apparently I am now forgiven for ambushing her about her new job. Funny how she 'job dropped' it into her new daily schedule; for example, 'I've been busy with work, and the kids' projects...'. See how she did that? Like she's always had a job outside of the home! Very chameleon-like. Could this be a new personality? The Birth of a New Dimension? The Dawning of a New Demon??? 

We shall call her Corporate Betty. The gal who brings home the bacon, fires it up in a pan, and never ever lets her man forget about it.... Or any of the rest of us!

Actually, I am rather glad that she's moved past the self-imposed stigma of the New Job and has finally returned my calls: was running low on material!!  Really, she did start with: 'Oh, you're alive!"  And I smartly and snarkily replied: 'Back at ya, Syb! I have left TWO messages..." Oh, how I did love that moment, when I could turn the tables on her and say that. Sybil is famous for telling me how many messages she's left: 'I left you four messages' translates to she really called once earlier today.

I didn't have to tell her too much as she conveniently had to go - but that left the balance of power in my hands, as she had called when I was away Sunday, and I returned her call, but I had originally called her twice first... at this point in the story, the Hub is completely lost! He has no idea who's on first and if they've called and how... cell or land line? But the power shift was too much for her.

SO, NOT 15 MINUTES LATER, SHE CALLED ME BACK!

Yep, she thinks she's now got the upper hand, like she has the power... but we all know that I am the Master at this game, and I shall call her tomorrow and leave a message, and thus will have the power!!!! Muh-waaa haaa haa haa (evil laugh... you know the drill, wringing of the hands)!!

And why should I care about the power? Well, honestly, the phone silence is MY game, My brain child, MY signature trait. And she stole it, the hag!! She used it on me, and that means war, my friends. See, I originated the move - it is mine; my way to not speak to the Crazy and Deranged, of which Sybil is one, for a length of time until I am completely ready for another dose of the Twilight Zone.  I simply don't call; or I only return a call when I know they are not going to answer. That way, we actually never speak on the phone, hence the name 'phone silence'. And it works. I then regale said person when I choose to speak with them with all the piddly things I have been doing (only on a grander scale - it's all in the telling) and funny stories so said Crazy doesn't realize I have been avoiding them; I also call when I have a very limited amount of time to talk, and must preface the conversation with the details of how I will very soon have to abruptly end the call, and I don't want to be rude so I warn them ahead of time. Again, it works.  Thus, I control the situation as best I can, and am more likely to have a tolerable outcome.

YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO USE THIS METHOD AS OFTEN AS NECESSARY.

And tomorrow, I will use the 'call when they aren't available technique' to successfully swing the balance of the Power. After all, I AM THE MASTER!

CHickens

Pretty descriptive title, eh? Well, after the Amish experience, I have decided that as a part of my transformation into a delightful provincial European on American soil, chickens will be in order. At the new house. In their own house. Away from Fat Annie the VBD.  I want layers, so my children can race across the verdant field laughing, egg basket in hand (which I have purchase, thank you very much), ready to collect farm fresh eggs for a frittata (fancy omelette)! Golly gee whiz, what a beautiful sight!!

Reality: obnoxious rooster crows at 3 am because he's a little off on the time thing; children fight over who gets to carry the basket, and race to the hen house, thus scaring the chickens into pooping or loosing their feathers... or both; same children have to gingerly pick their way across the copperhead infested field cuz we haven't bush-hogged in a while; children let chickens out, and Fat Annie has a fresh chicken dinner... and it ain't courtesy of KFC! Said children hop, skip, and jump through the field of doom and spill any eggs they have collected, necessitating a trip to the market for non-farm fresh eggs.

Yep. THis is gonna be great!!!

Now, on to the garden...

Manure

Yes. Manure. Cow manure, specifically. It lingers. It smells. It is a volatile organic chemical. It has infested ever piece of clothing in the suitcases, as well as the suitcases themselves.  The boys' boots may be a lost cause. I opened the bag they were in, and the smell brought me to my knees; my eyes watered; it was almost a religious experience!!!! I did not feel like a particularly holy or clean one, but it was a real experience!!!! We knew something was amiss when we identified our bags by their smell... people crinkled up their noses and turned away from our bags... the fire department was called to deal with a toxic waste spill... Fat Annie the VBD fell in love with the duffle bag...

So, I've been doing laundry. Mountains, and mountains of VERY STINKY LAUNDRY!!

I FEEL LIKE IT IS N.E.V.E.R  G.O.I.N.G  T.O.  E.N.D!

Needless to say, I am not in the nicest, friendliest, let -me- be- at- your- service moods. I bite. Hard. 

The smelly laundry does attest to the great success of our Amish farm vacation, and I feel proud to say that we have made new friends in Pennsylvania! It was all that I could have hoped for, and more... and a bag of chips. While they had no Sonic, they did have the Turkey Hill chain of EZ Mart style gas stations with a delightful and satisfying blend of caffeine, carbonation, and Diet Coke flavoring and secret ingredients! All was saved!!  

And now we are home - grumpy from travel, and wearing the last pair of clean skivvies we own... because I am STILL washing the rest!

Forget the Dome

My husband's truck has its own ecosystem. I used to joke that amidst all the dried, rotting apple cores/ burgers and fries/ chocolate smeared candy wrappers/ lollipops/ and various sports beverages, something had to be cooking itself to life. 

Well, today I saw proof!!! I feel like the people who've seen Bigfoot, or Nessie. I am a pioneer in my field! It was too fast, too elusive to get a photo, but I got a really good up close look at its eight spindly legs, pale segmented body, and general creepiness!

IT WAS A SPIDER!!! REAL. LIVE. ARACHNID. CRAWLING. IN. THE. TRUCK. WITH. ME!

He claims that is his antitheft security system, but if you could see how dirty his car is, you'd know that NO ONE on either side of the Mexican border is desperate enough to steal this truck!  He also claims that the adhesive seats are a part of the safety mechanism - if the seatbelt won't work, the seat keeps you glued down. NICE.

I NEED TO BE DELOUSED AFTER RIDING IN HIS TRUCK!

Proof positive that there is some type of life form besides roaches that can survive a nuclear holocaust.

THe night before departure...

Packing for six makes me wonder what we were thinking when we decided to actually leave our home with four children for an overnight stay somewhere... anywhere!!!!  I didn't know a week's worth of clothes required that many suitcases. I considered cutting back on jeans, having them wear them a day or two; problem is, we will be at a farm. With cows, cause that's what they have on dairy farms. With cow patties, cause they have a LOT of those on dairy farms. In the Amish country. At an Amish farm. No washer. No dryer. 

Then, I thought back to my college days and good 'ol Pat's piles of clothing on this bedroom floor. They are as follows:

1. Clean, but not folded.

2. Dirty, and definitely not folded.

3. Not so dirty, wear again.

THis last category included... yes, you guessed it, his tidy whities and boxers! EEEWWWW!!!!

So, I asked 'ol Pat how exactly he could wear his undies again? His reply (not for the weak stomached): I turn them inside out!!!!

HE WAS SERIOUS!

Funny part: his family owned a dry cleaning/ laundry service!!!!  Ironic, isn't it? Well, my college roomate/ sorority sister married him, and I have a sneaky suspicion that his undies are all clean now!

But back to the packing. I am trying to cut back on the amount of luggage we have to take, as now a days you have to pay about $15 for every checked bag. For this amount, I  would expect my luggage to come off the plane in sparkling, pristine condition. We are down a few large suitcases due to airline accidents. I'm not holding my breath!

However, despite my dilemnas, I am almost done!!!! yeah, me!  So, I want to notify you that my blogging will be a little on the short side, as I will be using the iPhone and it's itty bitty keys, which gets an itty bitty annoying; plus, the auto correct really makes me mad... :(  Oh, I breifly considered trying to 'go Amish' on the technology, and it was brief all right!!! In and out, baby!!! Thank goodness I heard the voice of reason! It sounded like this:

"KATIE!" (that's what it calls me - we're on a first name basis by now) "Katie, do you really think you can give up your LAST link to the civilized world on a trip with your four children? To a location so remote that the availability of Sonic is questionable? That involves driving, flying and renting a car? With four children? With multiple restaurant stops? With four children?"

Now, I really didn't have to hear the whole speech, I was convinced when Reason mentioned the four children part, but I have learned to just let Reason have her say (of course she is female), lest we have to start all over again!!! She doesn't like to be interrupted.  So, I will definitely be blogging, and checking for comments... hint, hint!

I Believe...

I Believe....

1. anyone that misinterprets 'easy ice' as 'pack it to the gills with ice' needs to be on my prayer list; they are just stupid!

2. buttercream is proof positive that God loves us... a lot.

3. buttercream IS its own food group.

4. there ought to be an off switch after you're done bearing children.

5. all treatments for spider veins should be reimbursed by the children that caused them.

6. that I ought to have some privacy in the potty.

7. women should have a little pop-up button that signals to our men when we are ready.

8. nice shoes should be affordable; no need to torture the innocent bystanders with views of ugly shoes!

9. pediatricians should have at least one child, preferably two.

10 . that caffeine is more than just your friend.

11. relationships with relatives should be optional.

12. scrappin' should be an Olympic event.

13. people should have to complete a screening process prior to procreating.

14. one can never have too much time or supplies for scrappin'.

15. I am not obligated to explain myself to my kids; I am the Momma, therefore you obey.

16. baby's drool is good for your skin.

17. the UGLY YEARS should remain locked away forever.

18. you should just speak your mind to my face, with kindness of course; talk behind my back comes full circle, and it is usually worse than what you would have/ did say!

19. sarcasm is a way of life.

20. Sonic should deliver.

A Moment of Silence

Please join me in observing an evening of blogging silence in loving memory of our dearly departed Rainey (aka Satan Incarnate, Mr. Pee-Body). He will be missed... by some.  Mainly me. OK, probably only me. Yes, only me. Happy now? Anyway back to my tribute: take amoment to scroll through pas blogs, enjoying the foolishness he was fodder for. And now, our moment...

(ssshhhh....)