A Sad State of Affairs

Let me just say now, I am not having an affair... I am too tired, and I am totally against the whole extramarital thing - I take my vows seriously.  And the poor Hub has no idea how close he is to the "til death do us part" part sometimes!!!! Kidding!!! I am referring to what cosmic message the universe is sending me, and it isn't looking so good.  How did I come to this conclusion?  Well, I based it on the coupons generated from my purchases today at Walgreens: (in entirety) Pampers, baby food carrots (mine are still too thick for her yet), kids and adult toothpastes, a fly swatter (Po Folk fun!), and a coupla toys (the Masses were relentless - plus I bribed them to get through super fast).

The coupons were mainly for cereal and Kelloggs products - will consider buying said products in bulk (per coupon) for the big $5 savings; still considering.  But then came 'the kickers' - a coupon for mass quantities of SLIMFAST (because apparently having children means I need to drop a few lbs.), and ... wait for it... POISE pads, because common sense says that if I need diapers, baby food, and SLIMFAST, I must also have an incontinence problem!!!!

Somewhere down the line, when whoever 'they' are set up the whole coupon machine, the ubiquitous they must have had one heck of a party with LOTS of trash can punch to link all those indiscriminate items together!! Talk about ROCKET SCIENCE!!!!  It does my heart good to know that all those folks with aerospace engineering degrees that choose not to work for toy companies packaging toys (I swear I could launch Barbie in her neatly packaged box into outerspace and have her return with nary a hair out of place!), now have another option!

And if that doesn't pan out, they could probably come up with marketing slogans for these caffeinated alcoholic beverages ( Really? What ever happened to the good old days of 7Eleven Cokes and slushies with add your own in the back of your best friends car?  Are we so freakin' lazy that we can't stand to get out of the car and go get our own slushy?  Sonic, anyone?  Give me a break!!! Bunch of Pansy....)! It really will take rocket science to get someone like me to buy a drink called "Joose", especially after one of my kids has phonetically spelled the same word in reference to the non-alcoholic version of apple or grape (white only, others stain)!  And from what I've read, it's all sweet and candy-ish - eeeewwwww!  Now you know that for all these young illegal drinkers that is gonna taste some kinda nasty comin' back up (and they're the fools who'd buy this @#$%*!!! Like any self-respecting college kid's gonna confess to drinking, let alone, buying that stuff... Joose? REALLY?)

  

So, what's the purpose?  Apparently, the whole rum and COke (or Diet Coke) thing just wasn't jazzy enough.  But, I think the manufacturers need to make the public aware that really all you're gonna get is a wide awake drunk!  Studies show that despite caffeine, you still gonna get drunk if ya  drink too much!!!  DURRRRHHHHH!!!!  Only instead of falling asleep, you're gonna be awake to enjoy all the stupidly humiliating things you are doing! 

And everyone who knows me knows that I don't need alcohol to embarrass myself - HA! Said it before you did!  And I bet this little shot of caffeinated alcohol (which is again, blasphemous to caffeine addicts everywhere) costs a heck of a lot more than your 7Eleven Slurpy and a shot of sumpin'-sumpin'!

Sut I'm happy to pass on the slurpy, and the alcohol,... I just wanna know where I left my Diet Coke.... 

On the subject of Excuses

First off, the Hub still thinks I am overreacting to the whole 'concealed weapon' issue - he is wrong.  We have agreed to disagree, which is in mature married people language the way to say "hey, I know you are wrong but for the sake of NOT having to sleep with one eye open,... or WORSE, admit you are right, I'll just say that it is your constitutional right to think the way you want to; just because we are married doesn't mean we have to agree on everything!"  This also was HIS idea,... which means I am right and he is WRONG!  I am winning....

So, today I had another hypothyroid moment (according to the ever-reliable internet sources, hypothyroidism has as some of its symptoms weight gain - ya think?- fatigue - big surprise - and poor memory - cha-ching!)- I forgot my massage appointment, for which I do profoundly apologize.  But, that made me think of how fun it would be to make up stuff and tell people crazy made-up reasons why I am forgetful - besides the four kids, husband, six hamsters, and two dogs (I would so LOVE to take them OFF the list).  So, her goes:

1. I was abducted by aliens and probed... twice. I liked it.

2. I was called by UNICEF and WHO for hunger relief in Afghanistan and India; I'm still there.

3. I joined the Witness Protection Program (this REALLY has so many up sides for me) and am no longer Katie, no longer live here, and no longer know who I am talking to or what about.

4. I was on a very important conference call with the President.

5. I work for the CIA; I can't say more - I'd have to kill you.

6. I got a job 'outside the home'.

I think all of these are pretty darn funny, and delivered with a straight face, could prove for some interesting talk about town!

OK - I think the Hub has a real valid excuse, should he need one! He's walking through the house yelling "POOPS! POOPS!! make sure these boys don't fall asleep!!!"  I'd say senility.... 

Dear Geni-Soy

Here's a draft of my letter to Geni-Soy

Dear Geni-Soy,

I have been a faithful consumer of your Ultimate Chocolate Fudge Brownie flavor Geni-Soy soy bars for going on three years.  I look forward to my morning ritual of my "Soy Bar" and Diet Coke.  However, I recently purchased your newly labeled bars, expecting the same delightfully chocolaty taste, creamy texture, and healthful 14 grams of soy protein.

Boy, was I surprised!  My first bite was not the creamy dreamy sensation I am so accustomed to, but chalky and somewhat dry!  I thought perhaps it was just that particular bar, so I discarded that one, and tried another.  It was disgusting, too!

What have you done to my delicious breakfast bar?  And why?  There are times to improve on a product, and there are times to leave it the heck alone - this is the latter.  Even my kids wondered what was wrong!  I liked  the bar so much that they would sneak them behind my back; I am convinced they would drink yak's milk if I drank it but wouldn't let them have any. Funny, this doesn't really work with brussel sprouts (but I digress).

So, we entreat you to return to the original recipe, a veritable taste sensation.  Until then, we shall be forced to eat brownies for breakfast.  Know I hold you corporately responsible for my ginormous hiney.

Sincerely,

Desperately Disappointed in the Ozarks

On the Subject of Guns and Their lack of Control

So, today was a controversial day here at the Household.  First, the Hub took #2 along with his best buddy and his dad four-wheeling;  this would normally be verboten in our House, but no one asked my permission.  I've noticed the Hub tends to do this with controversial activities sometimes, such as buying the tent, for example.  I've known this tactic for a while - we've been married twelve years, and I am observant (shocking).

I then had to lay down the law about this particular activity, and it goes something like this:

This is my eldest son; he is seven.  And while he is your son too, and I know you love him dearly and would never intentionally put him in harm's way purposefully, you are a man.  That means that you sometimes feel the need to throw caution and the little common sense you have to the wind in an effort to prove yourself 'manly'; either that or the testosterone rush from your fellow species short circuits your brain.  Either way, men in general, including you, tend to do VERY STUPID THINGS.  Therefore, I need to put the fear of God and Mama into you: If you harm this child of mine, the beloved son who GOT STUCK IN THE BIRTH CANAL AND HAD TO BE PHYSICALLY P-U-L-L-E-D OUT BY THE OB REACHING I-N-S-I-D-E, then know this:

I will hunt you down like a rabid dog and bury you like the stray you have become.

But first I will cause GREAT, PAINFUL harm to all your VERY SENSITIVE parts.

And, seeing as he then had to be intubated and almost DIED, please know this:

If he so much has a scratch, you'd better sleep with ONE EYE OPEN... for a while.

Not a jury in the world would convict me... I'm certain. 

That said, I headed of to church with the remaining Masses, certain I had made the indelible impression I had hoped for.  But, ah, Fate would find a tiny hole and widen it to a black hole, so that by the time the Hub arrived, he was in the 'hot' seat... about somethin' else!

WHY? Because, to quote Papa Ken, "Men are stupid!"  Turns out the other father was packin' heat - FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THE FACT THAT I SUPPOSE HE FOUND IT A GOOD IDEA?!!!!!  So, let's recap: two dads, their two SEVEN year old sons, off for a delightful day in a state park (weapons are not legal there, folks) doing dangerous, life threatening four-wheeling... is this not danger enough?

APPARENTLY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

They needed to up the ante, I suppose.  In his defense, the Hub did not know about the  'heat' until much later in the day - so glad that it was there, just in case my kid had stumbled upon it!

Now, I am not opposed to guns or shooting, but I do think that there is a time and place for teaching a youngster about them, and we have talked extensively with the kids about guns, as we have some - given to us by family - at the house. They are safely and securely put away - but I take the stance that a gun is never technically safe; I tell the kids that one should always treat a weapon as if it is loaded (good advice from my dad - yes, he did have some).  I also tell them that they are never to touch a gun without proper adult supervision, or EVER, for that matter! I realize I have let dear old dad down, what with the decade of vegetarianism I enjoyed (I do eat some meat now), and the fact that if I had to slaughter innocent animals for food, I'd go right back to it!

My outrage comes from the fact that the other parent chose to expose my son to something that I feel could have been introduced much better, much more controlled, and much safer.  The guy'd been carrying it around for about 3 hours!!!!  Guns are something each person has, usually, pretty strong feelings about!  The Hub is not a hunter - I can count the number of times he's been on one hand - and this dude knows that!  I feel like he stepped into my parental arena and gave it a shot at ringmaster, and frankly, I ain't happy about it!  ANd the Hub doesn't see anything wrong with having let #2 shoot - but I see that #2 could have gotten more of a lesson than that: you can carry a gun, you can carry it anywhere, you can take it out and shoot for fun at stuff, and it doesn't matter if it's breakin' the law!!!!  

Yeah! REAL life lessons.  Yippee.

MY SEVEN DWARF NAME

If I were one of the seven dwarfs,... which would make them 8 1/2, I'd be known as Lumpy.  I say this with all seriousness, because I contacted Disney (OK, in my great imagination, but for the sake of my blog we had a really nice chat), and the only name available to me - once we saw and reviewed my photos - was Lumpy.  It fits.

So Sister M'Bellish and I were reviewing the hardships of childbearing and rearing, in reference to a wedding I am going to for two lovely younguns, just out of college - so much time to have fun, do stuff, start their careers, and Sister M'Bellish commented, " What's the hurry? What's the rush to get married? Why, you can have babies into your 40's!"  My response "But look what they have done to me in a lesser decade!  They've killed my thyroid - what would they target next?"  We all know that there isn't much left of the brain function on a daily basis, and a day with lots of problem solving or decision maxes me out for the week!  Even as I type I ahve to sonstantly correct my spelling (thanks to speel check) or else it's just a bunch of jibberish!!!!  Perhaps it's better to get hitched and get the childbearing outta the way.

However, who I was when I graduated from college would NOT have been a good mother, and THANK YOU LORD I did not marry the fella I was dating at the time - no, I mean really, THANK YOU LORD!!!!  I guess for me, it wasn't better.  And that 's left me being a better wife, mother, and Eight and a half Dwarf than I ever thought possible.  There's more than one dwarf's worth in me!

So I'll wear my title, "Lumpy",somewhat proudly,... and pray we get the thyroid straightened out SOON!!!!!  Otherwise, it might just stick (like when mom said your face would freeze that way)!  Oh, Disney's on the horn.... 

FYI

Apparently, my new computer has it's own time zone, too, and seems to be behind two hours; must be a California babe - hang ten!

I'm a Giver

For those of you lovely ladies, an possibly my Favorite and Only Hair Guru (to be called the Hair Guru from here on out), I am unable to send emails; Sister Scout is grieving, crying her pretty eyes out - pray for her.  I can receive emails, but we all know 'tis better to give than to receive.... So, I have tech support working diligently (that would be the Hub, when he isn't saving lives or fishing) to restore me to the world of email writing.  As if the blog isn't enough!!!  I know, I know, I'm a giver!!!!

And last night I was given a surprise (get your minds outta the gutter there, gals and Guru): #1 came and asked me to write the web address for something dolls emporium (some place where she dresses up cyber paperdolls - very age appropriate) so she could bookmark it ON MY NEW COMPUTER!!!!! OH NO NO NO NONO MA'AM!!!!!!!

I flew outta my seat faster than a tourist in Mexico after an authentic meal - think about it - and dashed to save my new little baby!  I had reluctantly approved her feeding her little Webkins, and feeding them only - what  a sham!!!  To think I fell for that sond and dance! Think I'll order that intrascalpal GPS device b/c we'll need it for this one for sure!

And then we reviewed the rules: 

1. This is Mommy's computer, and NOT YOURS.

2. You will never touch Mommy's computer again - the Webkin devils can starve for all I care!  If they're so smart, why can't they feed themselves?

3. There is no bookmarking on Mommy's computer, especially since we will never be allowed to use it again (starve, Webkins, starve!!!)

4. Don't even try to sneak onto Mommy's computer, or you won't ever see you Webkin pals again!!! Muh-wahhhhaaaahahhaahaaa (this is the typed version of an evil laugh - add some hand wringing, and its quite chilling!)

Oh, I know - you're thinking you aren't a giver, or a sharer for that matter. Well, you are wrong. There, I said it!  First off, I shared my body (I've grown four kids), shared my boobs (breastfeeding - sorry Guru, the truth has to come out though); I share my bed, and some nights I share it with more people than I'd like to; I share the TV to the point that I no longer watch or can tell you the popular shows; I share my house with 4 (#4 too young to make much mess) of the messiest creatures God ever put on the face of the earth - I include the Hub in this b/c he'd never take out the garbage if left up to him (I'm planning an intervention); I share my vehicle with people who have been know to vomit or bleed profusely in motorized/ moving things; I share the food off my plate b/c everyone knows that even though we have the SAME THING on our plates, mine is obviously better; and I even share my Diet Coke - to me this ranks up there with donating a kidney!!!  I have even shared my bath with my little naked babies (and yes, I am aware that they most likely peed in it) until #3 started calling my n-i-p-p-l-e-s moles and trying to pinch them off; this takes the cute share-the-bath-with-your-toddler thing to the level of too-much-into-my-personal-space thing. BTW: certain words are just offensive to me, and I will therefore spell them to save me the discomfort of reading them; another is the word g-r-o-i-n.  Really? Can't someone come up with something better?

I await your reply Hair Guru, as you did have some interesting vernacular today... 'twisty bits'?

So, you are wrong... I am a GENEROUS giver... it just so happens that I don't want to give this particular item... and I paid for it, and it is mine... and I am OK with that. Stupid Webkins.