A Sad State of Affairs

Let me just say now, I am not having an affair... I am too tired, and I am totally against the whole extramarital thing - I take my vows seriously.  And the poor Hub has no idea how close he is to the "til death do us part" part sometimes!!!! Kidding!!! I am referring to what cosmic message the universe is sending me, and it isn't looking so good.  How did I come to this conclusion?  Well, I based it on the coupons generated from my purchases today at Walgreens: (in entirety) Pampers, baby food carrots (mine are still too thick for her yet), kids and adult toothpastes, a fly swatter (Po Folk fun!), and a coupla toys (the Masses were relentless - plus I bribed them to get through super fast).

The coupons were mainly for cereal and Kelloggs products - will consider buying said products in bulk (per coupon) for the big $5 savings; still considering.  But then came 'the kickers' - a coupon for mass quantities of SLIMFAST (because apparently having children means I need to drop a few lbs.), and ... wait for it... POISE pads, because common sense says that if I need diapers, baby food, and SLIMFAST, I must also have an incontinence problem!!!!

Somewhere down the line, when whoever 'they' are set up the whole coupon machine, the ubiquitous they must have had one heck of a party with LOTS of trash can punch to link all those indiscriminate items together!! Talk about ROCKET SCIENCE!!!!  It does my heart good to know that all those folks with aerospace engineering degrees that choose not to work for toy companies packaging toys (I swear I could launch Barbie in her neatly packaged box into outerspace and have her return with nary a hair out of place!), now have another option!

And if that doesn't pan out, they could probably come up with marketing slogans for these caffeinated alcoholic beverages ( Really? What ever happened to the good old days of 7Eleven Cokes and slushies with add your own in the back of your best friends car?  Are we so freakin' lazy that we can't stand to get out of the car and go get our own slushy?  Sonic, anyone?  Give me a break!!! Bunch of Pansy....)! It really will take rocket science to get someone like me to buy a drink called "Joose", especially after one of my kids has phonetically spelled the same word in reference to the non-alcoholic version of apple or grape (white only, others stain)!  And from what I've read, it's all sweet and candy-ish - eeeewwwww!  Now you know that for all these young illegal drinkers that is gonna taste some kinda nasty comin' back up (and they're the fools who'd buy this @#$%*!!! Like any self-respecting college kid's gonna confess to drinking, let alone, buying that stuff... Joose? REALLY?)

  

So, what's the purpose?  Apparently, the whole rum and COke (or Diet Coke) thing just wasn't jazzy enough.  But, I think the manufacturers need to make the public aware that really all you're gonna get is a wide awake drunk!  Studies show that despite caffeine, you still gonna get drunk if ya  drink too much!!!  DURRRRHHHHH!!!!  Only instead of falling asleep, you're gonna be awake to enjoy all the stupidly humiliating things you are doing! 

And everyone who knows me knows that I don't need alcohol to embarrass myself - HA! Said it before you did!  And I bet this little shot of caffeinated alcohol (which is again, blasphemous to caffeine addicts everywhere) costs a heck of a lot more than your 7Eleven Slurpy and a shot of sumpin'-sumpin'!

Sut I'm happy to pass on the slurpy, and the alcohol,... I just wanna know where I left my Diet Coke.... 

On the subject of Excuses

First off, the Hub still thinks I am overreacting to the whole 'concealed weapon' issue - he is wrong.  We have agreed to disagree, which is in mature married people language the way to say "hey, I know you are wrong but for the sake of NOT having to sleep with one eye open,... or WORSE, admit you are right, I'll just say that it is your constitutional right to think the way you want to; just because we are married doesn't mean we have to agree on everything!"  This also was HIS idea,... which means I am right and he is WRONG!  I am winning....

So, today I had another hypothyroid moment (according to the ever-reliable internet sources, hypothyroidism has as some of its symptoms weight gain - ya think?- fatigue - big surprise - and poor memory - cha-ching!)- I forgot my massage appointment, for which I do profoundly apologize.  But, that made me think of how fun it would be to make up stuff and tell people crazy made-up reasons why I am forgetful - besides the four kids, husband, six hamsters, and two dogs (I would so LOVE to take them OFF the list).  So, her goes:

1. I was abducted by aliens and probed... twice. I liked it.

2. I was called by UNICEF and WHO for hunger relief in Afghanistan and India; I'm still there.

3. I joined the Witness Protection Program (this REALLY has so many up sides for me) and am no longer Katie, no longer live here, and no longer know who I am talking to or what about.

4. I was on a very important conference call with the President.

5. I work for the CIA; I can't say more - I'd have to kill you.

6. I got a job 'outside the home'.

I think all of these are pretty darn funny, and delivered with a straight face, could prove for some interesting talk about town!

OK - I think the Hub has a real valid excuse, should he need one! He's walking through the house yelling "POOPS! POOPS!! make sure these boys don't fall asleep!!!"  I'd say senility.... 

Dear Geni-Soy

Here's a draft of my letter to Geni-Soy

Dear Geni-Soy,

I have been a faithful consumer of your Ultimate Chocolate Fudge Brownie flavor Geni-Soy soy bars for going on three years.  I look forward to my morning ritual of my "Soy Bar" and Diet Coke.  However, I recently purchased your newly labeled bars, expecting the same delightfully chocolaty taste, creamy texture, and healthful 14 grams of soy protein.

Boy, was I surprised!  My first bite was not the creamy dreamy sensation I am so accustomed to, but chalky and somewhat dry!  I thought perhaps it was just that particular bar, so I discarded that one, and tried another.  It was disgusting, too!

What have you done to my delicious breakfast bar?  And why?  There are times to improve on a product, and there are times to leave it the heck alone - this is the latter.  Even my kids wondered what was wrong!  I liked  the bar so much that they would sneak them behind my back; I am convinced they would drink yak's milk if I drank it but wouldn't let them have any. Funny, this doesn't really work with brussel sprouts (but I digress).

So, we entreat you to return to the original recipe, a veritable taste sensation.  Until then, we shall be forced to eat brownies for breakfast.  Know I hold you corporately responsible for my ginormous hiney.

Sincerely,

Desperately Disappointed in the Ozarks

On the Subject of Guns and Their lack of Control

So, today was a controversial day here at the Household.  First, the Hub took #2 along with his best buddy and his dad four-wheeling;  this would normally be verboten in our House, but no one asked my permission.  I've noticed the Hub tends to do this with controversial activities sometimes, such as buying the tent, for example.  I've known this tactic for a while - we've been married twelve years, and I am observant (shocking).

I then had to lay down the law about this particular activity, and it goes something like this:

This is my eldest son; he is seven.  And while he is your son too, and I know you love him dearly and would never intentionally put him in harm's way purposefully, you are a man.  That means that you sometimes feel the need to throw caution and the little common sense you have to the wind in an effort to prove yourself 'manly'; either that or the testosterone rush from your fellow species short circuits your brain.  Either way, men in general, including you, tend to do VERY STUPID THINGS.  Therefore, I need to put the fear of God and Mama into you: If you harm this child of mine, the beloved son who GOT STUCK IN THE BIRTH CANAL AND HAD TO BE PHYSICALLY P-U-L-L-E-D OUT BY THE OB REACHING I-N-S-I-D-E, then know this:

I will hunt you down like a rabid dog and bury you like the stray you have become.

But first I will cause GREAT, PAINFUL harm to all your VERY SENSITIVE parts.

And, seeing as he then had to be intubated and almost DIED, please know this:

If he so much has a scratch, you'd better sleep with ONE EYE OPEN... for a while.

Not a jury in the world would convict me... I'm certain. 

That said, I headed of to church with the remaining Masses, certain I had made the indelible impression I had hoped for.  But, ah, Fate would find a tiny hole and widen it to a black hole, so that by the time the Hub arrived, he was in the 'hot' seat... about somethin' else!

WHY? Because, to quote Papa Ken, "Men are stupid!"  Turns out the other father was packin' heat - FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THE FACT THAT I SUPPOSE HE FOUND IT A GOOD IDEA?!!!!!  So, let's recap: two dads, their two SEVEN year old sons, off for a delightful day in a state park (weapons are not legal there, folks) doing dangerous, life threatening four-wheeling... is this not danger enough?

APPARENTLY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

They needed to up the ante, I suppose.  In his defense, the Hub did not know about the  'heat' until much later in the day - so glad that it was there, just in case my kid had stumbled upon it!

Now, I am not opposed to guns or shooting, but I do think that there is a time and place for teaching a youngster about them, and we have talked extensively with the kids about guns, as we have some - given to us by family - at the house. They are safely and securely put away - but I take the stance that a gun is never technically safe; I tell the kids that one should always treat a weapon as if it is loaded (good advice from my dad - yes, he did have some).  I also tell them that they are never to touch a gun without proper adult supervision, or EVER, for that matter! I realize I have let dear old dad down, what with the decade of vegetarianism I enjoyed (I do eat some meat now), and the fact that if I had to slaughter innocent animals for food, I'd go right back to it!

My outrage comes from the fact that the other parent chose to expose my son to something that I feel could have been introduced much better, much more controlled, and much safer.  The guy'd been carrying it around for about 3 hours!!!!  Guns are something each person has, usually, pretty strong feelings about!  The Hub is not a hunter - I can count the number of times he's been on one hand - and this dude knows that!  I feel like he stepped into my parental arena and gave it a shot at ringmaster, and frankly, I ain't happy about it!  ANd the Hub doesn't see anything wrong with having let #2 shoot - but I see that #2 could have gotten more of a lesson than that: you can carry a gun, you can carry it anywhere, you can take it out and shoot for fun at stuff, and it doesn't matter if it's breakin' the law!!!!  

Yeah! REAL life lessons.  Yippee.

MY SEVEN DWARF NAME

If I were one of the seven dwarfs,... which would make them 8 1/2, I'd be known as Lumpy.  I say this with all seriousness, because I contacted Disney (OK, in my great imagination, but for the sake of my blog we had a really nice chat), and the only name available to me - once we saw and reviewed my photos - was Lumpy.  It fits.

So Sister M'Bellish and I were reviewing the hardships of childbearing and rearing, in reference to a wedding I am going to for two lovely younguns, just out of college - so much time to have fun, do stuff, start their careers, and Sister M'Bellish commented, " What's the hurry? What's the rush to get married? Why, you can have babies into your 40's!"  My response "But look what they have done to me in a lesser decade!  They've killed my thyroid - what would they target next?"  We all know that there isn't much left of the brain function on a daily basis, and a day with lots of problem solving or decision maxes me out for the week!  Even as I type I ahve to sonstantly correct my spelling (thanks to speel check) or else it's just a bunch of jibberish!!!!  Perhaps it's better to get hitched and get the childbearing outta the way.

However, who I was when I graduated from college would NOT have been a good mother, and THANK YOU LORD I did not marry the fella I was dating at the time - no, I mean really, THANK YOU LORD!!!!  I guess for me, it wasn't better.  And that 's left me being a better wife, mother, and Eight and a half Dwarf than I ever thought possible.  There's more than one dwarf's worth in me!

So I'll wear my title, "Lumpy",somewhat proudly,... and pray we get the thyroid straightened out SOON!!!!!  Otherwise, it might just stick (like when mom said your face would freeze that way)!  Oh, Disney's on the horn.... 

FYI

Apparently, my new computer has it's own time zone, too, and seems to be behind two hours; must be a California babe - hang ten!

I'm a Giver

For those of you lovely ladies, an possibly my Favorite and Only Hair Guru (to be called the Hair Guru from here on out), I am unable to send emails; Sister Scout is grieving, crying her pretty eyes out - pray for her.  I can receive emails, but we all know 'tis better to give than to receive.... So, I have tech support working diligently (that would be the Hub, when he isn't saving lives or fishing) to restore me to the world of email writing.  As if the blog isn't enough!!!  I know, I know, I'm a giver!!!!

And last night I was given a surprise (get your minds outta the gutter there, gals and Guru): #1 came and asked me to write the web address for something dolls emporium (some place where she dresses up cyber paperdolls - very age appropriate) so she could bookmark it ON MY NEW COMPUTER!!!!! OH NO NO NO NONO MA'AM!!!!!!!

I flew outta my seat faster than a tourist in Mexico after an authentic meal - think about it - and dashed to save my new little baby!  I had reluctantly approved her feeding her little Webkins, and feeding them only - what  a sham!!!  To think I fell for that sond and dance! Think I'll order that intrascalpal GPS device b/c we'll need it for this one for sure!

And then we reviewed the rules: 

1. This is Mommy's computer, and NOT YOURS.

2. You will never touch Mommy's computer again - the Webkin devils can starve for all I care!  If they're so smart, why can't they feed themselves?

3. There is no bookmarking on Mommy's computer, especially since we will never be allowed to use it again (starve, Webkins, starve!!!)

4. Don't even try to sneak onto Mommy's computer, or you won't ever see you Webkin pals again!!! Muh-wahhhhaaaahahhaahaaa (this is the typed version of an evil laugh - add some hand wringing, and its quite chilling!)

Oh, I know - you're thinking you aren't a giver, or a sharer for that matter. Well, you are wrong. There, I said it!  First off, I shared my body (I've grown four kids), shared my boobs (breastfeeding - sorry Guru, the truth has to come out though); I share my bed, and some nights I share it with more people than I'd like to; I share the TV to the point that I no longer watch or can tell you the popular shows; I share my house with 4 (#4 too young to make much mess) of the messiest creatures God ever put on the face of the earth - I include the Hub in this b/c he'd never take out the garbage if left up to him (I'm planning an intervention); I share my vehicle with people who have been know to vomit or bleed profusely in motorized/ moving things; I share the food off my plate b/c everyone knows that even though we have the SAME THING on our plates, mine is obviously better; and I even share my Diet Coke - to me this ranks up there with donating a kidney!!!  I have even shared my bath with my little naked babies (and yes, I am aware that they most likely peed in it) until #3 started calling my n-i-p-p-l-e-s moles and trying to pinch them off; this takes the cute share-the-bath-with-your-toddler thing to the level of too-much-into-my-personal-space thing. BTW: certain words are just offensive to me, and I will therefore spell them to save me the discomfort of reading them; another is the word g-r-o-i-n.  Really? Can't someone come up with something better?

I await your reply Hair Guru, as you did have some interesting vernacular today... 'twisty bits'?

So, you are wrong... I am a GENEROUS giver... it just so happens that I don't want to give this particular item... and I paid for it, and it is mine... and I am OK with that. Stupid Webkins.

On Spermafrost

So, the urologist suggested that we consider another option while debating the merits of a vasectomy: banking the Hub's sperm, in case we change our minds later (which tells me that I was correct - reversals ain't that successful).  He says lots of folks do that as a safety net, and it seems to attenuate the fears of "what if we change our minds!?"  And that opens the doors to thoughts disturbing on sooooo many levels!!!  Read on.

What if, years down the road, we forget about the sperm?  And they improve the freezing process so well that, say it's around for YEARS?  And, we pray, at a ripe old age we go on home to be with Jesus, and at the reading of our wills, the subject of the Hub's Permafrosted Boys (hence the term Spermafrost) comes up - specifically in the form of them being in our revocable trusts  and therefore being willed to our offspring!!!  I suppose we could provide that they could be defrosted to assist anyone of our kids should there be infertility,... but that would make their children technically their siblings, and that is so backwoods wrong on so many,... no make that EVERY level - EEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!

And you may be thinking, what is so wrong with you that you would think that up?  But, in my defense, Tigo and I were talking last night, and we jumped to the same preposterously demented conclusion simultaneously ( please note the use of many large 'college' words - impressed?  Look at the big brain on Katie!!) So, if I'm a sicko, so is she!  Guilt by association!!!

But, the Spermafrost industry hasn't progressed to that point yet, and it isn't a frozen embryo, which I would be tempted to use I suppose, so I will think about this,... and try to put the whole far-fetched inbreeding scenario (really nuts, eh?) from my mind.  And I think that they expire after five years or so, which would put me in the older than Sarah and Abraham category, and I would not be even the slightest bit interested then!

And so goes the debate about fertility.  And yes, I let the kiddies live,... no dents in the wall despite the horrible cracking sound... and I am writing today before the bugger-heads even awaken... dang I'm smart!!!  Even #4 is sleeping like the tiny beautiful angel she is; I solved the diaper changing issue - made the Hub do it last night - HA!!!!

 

On the Subject of Vasectomies

Well, the subject of vasectomies reared its head in our house recently (no pun intended, seriously).  The Hub announced last week he'd scheduled an appointment to get snipped; in a week; there ya go. Now, I am not a real let's-alter-ourselves-permanently kind of gal;  I don't know that I could go under the knife for a boob job (though after nursing this one and the exodus - think Israelites from Egypt, I may need one!)... the turkey neck's a whole different matter.  So, the thought of PERMANENT sterilization really doesn't sit well with me (think coupla chili dogs and a ride on Disney's teacups).  And today the Hub cancelled his appointment, citing to the doc that apparently he'd not been cleared for take -off completely - YA THINK?  

I don't know if it's a "feels like the end of a chapter in my life", or "I cannot believe I won't ever hold one of my newborn babies again", or "am I really this *@#$%* Old?" kinda thing.  But, I went into systems overload!  I never wanted kids when we first married, and here I am with FOUR (the Masses); and it's great!!!!  Yeah, there are some days I'd like to sell 'em to gypsies and pay 'em to keep 'em, but I really do enjoy them SO MUCH!  And trust me, dogs are not the same, nor are hammies.  If you asked me (and you know you want to), NO I DO NOT WANT MORE CHILDREN!  But, I am definitely a KEEP-THE-OPTIONS-OPEN kinda gal.  First, it really is time, and Neva Kate is truly a miracle, and I cannot afford another helicopter ride... not to mention the 'David' guy's insightful input that I should stop breeding.  But I don't feel right about closing off channels that were made open; and I have a VERY RELIABLE form of BC in use - so why the rush?

Does he think a little snippy can possibly compete with two episiotomies and two C-sections?  Well, the Hub will be really disappointed to find out that NO, it cannot even compare (shall we factor in the growing and breastfeeding part - the whole ' trump card'?)  I mean, I'm more reliable housing than the biodome, right? And much better dressed, too!  Is he awake nights fearful that we could reproduce AGAIN?  This is not what I had in mind, mind you, hence the BIRTH CONTROL!

But I understand... he's a guy. And men like to finish a project, and move on.  So, he's finished his project, and he's ready to move on!  This is hard for me b/c I have a 6 mos. old, and she is growing up way too quickly.  I know she is the 'final four', and I want to savor every moment (except the one last night where she shrieked at me at 3am for changing her diaper BEFORE the Ninni);  I want to remember each and every second like a slide show in my mind, b/c I suppose, I am not ready for it to end,... but I will be, and I have faith everything will be alright.  And that we will only have four children - four fantastic-ly lovely children... denting the wall in the basement... right now... and I may have to amend the number after I head down there... though I am now reminding my self that children are a blessing, and sons a reward (Proverbs?)... emphasis on reward... theirs in heaven... where they may be goin' soon!!!! (J/K!!!!!)

Have now warned the Masses via God's gift to multiple storied home owners, the intercom, that I am on my way... and it is VERY eerily quiet down there now... (to be continued)

(really suspenseful,eh?)

The Non-stay At Home Mom

I don't know about you, but I am plumb worn out from the summer and and the million activities (not an exaggeration) we've thrown ourselves into.  The Hub thought this would be a great time for the kids to experience some NEW things: art classes, tennis. In addition to all the other stuff we do. Oh, and Hip Hop/Jass for #1; he wants them to get "activity and exercise".  This is just one of his numerous "kicks" he's been on in the twelve years we've been hitched.  One year it was family hikes - I carried our 2 year-old for MILES!!!!  That one didn't last too long, though it does raise its ugly head now and then.  Last summer when I was pregnant and puking with #4, he almost started some sicko camping trip by purchasing a tent, no less, and erecting it in the front yard!!!!  Boy, did that bring about some comments from the friends, who all know I DO NOT CAMP.... EVER... FOR ANY REASON... AT ALL... EVER... NON-NEGOTIABLE.  ANd that is my final word.

So, I have spent what feels like the last nine years of summer (which really only amounts to weeks here, but they have been long weeks) schlepping the Masses to various fun, enlightening, and physically fit activities.  And then there's the pool or boat.

Which means that I ready everything - lots of food, b/c for some reason food makes the Masses ravenous, sunscreen, towels, shoes, drinks, more sunscreen (we are seriously pale people) - to schlepp out to the pool or boat.  ANd then I don a Satan Suit and get a 'high' exposing my dimply flesh to the tan, slender folks who I hate for no other reason, but that they are tan and slender.  If we go to the boat, it isn't so bad, b/c we take folks we know REALLY well and they are used to my paleness (and other unappealing qualities).  And this makes me wonder if man, and of course woman, was ever really meant to swim!

But, today, I must ponder my fat's fate (to sun or not to sun?) no longer, as it is starting to rain!!!!  No Satan Suit for me today!!!!!  Now that just says Happy Hanukah all over it, doesn't it?  And If the Hub brought home dinner too,... well, it'd be Happy Card Day too!  I can hunker down and pray for school to start soon, ... tonight?!!!  And perhaps go to bed early... we've got tennis tomorrow....

On the Subject of My Fertility, and Other Things Complete Strangers Think They have the Right to Comment On

Ah, the glorious Constitutional right of Free Speech... but really? Is anything truly FREE?  Someone pays, my friends, someone does indeed pay.  ANd that is what today's Thesis of Thought is about: the incredibly stupid things people say to me or my children under the guise of being helpful or simply because they think I give a poop, which I usually don't!

Just today, I smiled an laughed through just such a publicly awkward moment for some dolt who decided to share with me his personal and oh-so-undesired opinion of our family status and procreational habits (translate: we have four -4- children, ages 8 to 6 months).  Jaba the Hut, whom I know VERY casually from various kids' activities (I can barely remember his name) had the pleasure of running into me today, and flat out telling me it was time to stop having children.  Just like that! Whew! What a relief!  To think The Hub and I actually thought this was OUR responsibility! Who knew it was all so simple... and FREE!!!!!  oh, he did say that they were all absolutely adorable, but we had to stop sometime; just when HE thought I had a handle on things, along comes another bundle!  Who knew we were so close and personal that he could single-handedly judge whether I am an adequate parent!  How have I gotten this far without his oh-so-esteemed opinion?

I laughed because I was trying to figure an escape route for AFTER I stabbed him with the ball point pen...  I also smiled because I wouldn't want to do anything to embarrass The Hub, or hurt his business, but I did secretly consider keying his car.  

And there are always the delightful people who parent your kids for you while you stand there fuming and invisible.  Gotta love these helpful souls - or pray for their souls, and that they can run faster than you!  I truly enjoyed the lady who sang "big boys don't cry" to my four year old, after the kid IN HER CARE ripped out a hunk of his hair.  I glared her into retreat; go ahead, Song Lady, dare ya to make eye contact again!!!!!

And we all appreciate a kind word or helping hand from a fellow parent while we haul a screaming, thrashing toddler outside!  But for those misinformed folks who think they are helping by telling me what to do, or better yet, trying to step in and do it for me, don't blame me if I unload my travelled-all-day-with-four-whiney-kids-and-a-puking-dog self on YOU!  Freedom of speech works both ways, amen? 

So, if you aren't gonna offer to open my door or buy me a stiff drink, BUTT OUT!!! And all God's children and their parents said, "AMEN!!!"

 

Catching up

I must admit that so much time has passed since I last typed a nice long thesis of thought, that I am not really at aloss for ideas... more like a surplus,... a surplus stored in a very disorganized warehouse with a poor inventory system; translate: I have had so many thoughts to share that I thought I would remember, that I can't remember them now that I want them.  Very sad, and very disturbing!  I bought my nice new Notebook thinking that "at last I will write this book that for many years now people have said I should write". And now, what am I supposed to write?

Let's start with Sybil. Get comfy - we'll be here a while!  I am quit proud that she's moved on to a new personality (must sign legal papers now for the Hub - please hold). For a while, she stagnated at seven (some consider this a lucky number, but I have no real favorite).  I must retrieve the list (we Scrapheads named them at our last soiree); and  a glass of white, and maybe a snack, and the cordless, and the baby monitor; all set, how bout you?

Number One: Cinderella

What a lovely little lady - I actually call her back when Cinderella leaves the message (you bet I screen my calls!)  Everything is sunny, and happy, and bright, and all is right with the world - la la la la dee dah!!!!  This is a nice place for her to be - if only she'd take the correct medicine to stay here (sigh)!

Number Two: Cruella

Mean. Just mean AND nasty. Not a good person to get stuck on an elevator with!  Usually, Cruella follows Number Three, but she likes to hang out for a long time... sometimes a really long time.  She's the one to have lined me up in front of her closet and told me how old EACH PIECE of clothing was - yes, this is true, and yes it was painful.  We DO NOT call her back - EVER!!!!

Number Three: Myrtle the Martyr

Most of the time, Myrtle the Martyr precedes Cruella, but the two can flip-flop, sometimes multiple times in one conversation (sometimes I am totally stupid and answer the phone without checking the  caller ID and have the torturous task of getting off the phone which, in the best of circumstances, takes nigh on an hour).  MM feels everyone is against her and hers; we are talking PARANOIA to the MAX!!!!   Best leave reason out of it cause she'll argue WHEN YOU AGREE WITH HER... because she thinks we are all out to get her!!!!  Again, I try not to answer these calls, return these calls, or talk to her until she's out of this personality. However, prolonged MM blends right into the Number Four, and that isn't good for anybody.

Number Four: Patty Pathetic

WOW! Talk about one big fat pitty party - this is it!! Commonly heard are the statements:"I don't know if I can take this much longer", "I don't know if I can go on", "I don't know why I even bother", and my personal favorite " I sometimes think they'd be better off without me"!!!!  Add a little crying for drama, and the Emmy goes to..... I sound callous, but I've fallen for this personality performance enough to know that it'll probably cycle back on around to Cruella or MM; no use answering the phone for a while!

Number Five: Martha Steart

She is the expert and authority on everyone and everything, especially whatever you are currently getting your PhD in, because she knows it all, and has done it all, and she wants you to know about it!  Best to just say how interesting that is, be happy to try that, thanks for the ideas, what a great experience that must have been... blah blah blah.  I get my magazine skimming and internet shopping done during the conversations. (In case you wonder why I am not ambushed daily by Sybil at my house, I live 12 hours by car from her - for a reason.)

Number Six: Cheerleader Kelly

Kelly appeared in 2004, and is one of the newer members of Sybil's repertoire!  She's lively, animated, and personal. She talks as if she had dinner with the players last night, and was invited into the locker room for the post game celebration!!!  She quotes stats and scores, history and coaching strategies - very disturbing overall because she (Sybil) was not much of a sports fan in college.  Kelly and I got to know each other well over a 14 month time period where she is the only personality I talked with - the others were scarred, and for good reason; I told them I wasn't gonna deal with their nonsense anymore (no sirree Bob), and that's the short version of how Kelly was born.  THe long version involves an hysterical phone call from MM and me almost calling the police for her.  We'll have no more of that nonsense, now will we!!!!! As you can see, I had to develop a "Do Not Puke On Me Policy" - I'd be happy to share the insiders track for anyone in need!

Number Seven: Saint Agnes

This is the one personality I have yet to meet. In fact, I didn't even know she existed until about two years ago.  Perhaps she'd been there all along, but just hadn't manifested; or she developed to counter Cruella, MM, and Patty Pathetic.  Either way, I have yet to make her acquaintance. She is, by reputation, delightful, helpful, kind, compassionate, giving, LOVING (you see my surprise, don't you), and the kind of person I would enjoy being friends with.  Let me restate this: I have known Sybil all my life and I have NEVER MET THIS PERSON!!!!!!

EVER!!!!!! NOT ONCE!!!!!!!

Finally, Number Eight: Buffey

The female version of my 75 year-old father, who is so OCD/anal retentive (I actually told him this and had to define 'anal retentive ' for him. Seriously, this man ruined shopping at Sam's for me because he was compulsively into buying toilet paper in bulk, and it almost made him hyperventilate!!!!  Also, he ruined camping for me - but that requires too much professional therapy to describe - I just can't go there yet! Not ready!!!)  She putters around, jabbering about ...stuff... like, I stopped listening OK? Just an uh-huh here and there, with a 'really' ?/! when appropriate.  Nothing is fast. Nothing. And she obsesses about the laundry. Please see earlier blog; I think the washer may need a round of ABX, know what I mean?  OK, that was bad - funny, but bad!!!!  And reads me recipes... while I'm driving, or reading, or pooping, or basically anything that would interfere with writing them down; I think she hopes I'll call her back for them and we can have a nice chat or something; ain't happenin' - I know too much!!!  In fact, I sometimes tell her I am writing them down just to get it over with... one more thing I'll be roasting marshmallows for, if ya know what I mean! 

I was amazed at how OLD she looked, too.  I think I look pretty decent for my age - don't ask me my age, I won't ask your weight; fair enough - but she looked WAY older than I think she should have. Must be all the 'spin cycles' HA HA HA HA!!!!!!  Or perhaps all her personalities have different ages, and when you average them, it isn't in her favor!  That's a real bummer there!!!!!

Must go now: #3 watching a movie, #4 sleeping, and #2 downstairs with a friend who's spending the night (sure hate for his mom to think all I did was blog all night); #1 at a friend's house. Nightie-night ya'll!!!

No easy vacationa

Well, after nearly two weeks, I'm back and on my new mac notebook, cuz the Hub's encountered multisystem organ failure after a little bout of lightening!  Seriously, that's the second computer we've lost to the dreaded disease, but we caught this one early, and believe medical treatment will bring a full cure.

While I was on hiatus, I was sluggin' plenty of the Elixir of Life... Sonic Diet Coke, as Sybil came to visit with her offspring.  There's a new personality: Buffey - the female version of my 75 year-old father!!!  SCARY!!!!  It seems she's shifted her speed down about four hundred notches, and just putters around talking incessantly, and she had a fling with my washer; no kidding - it's got a shimmy that it has never had before... over 4 days she did 14 (count them) loads of laundry.  I have no idea what she washed, cuz my laundry was still there starring me down when I climbed into bed!  We may have to do an intervention!! She has a more intimate relationship with my Fischer-Paykel washer and dryer than she does with me!!!!  This is an observation, not a complaint!  They left on schedule and with minimal amount of property damage.  Not bad.

I do have a new laptop - wireless - really advanced techno.  The Hub set it up for me - girls gotta have her boundaries. Still waiting on Tigo to come set up a nifty slide show....

The Week of Matt

The Week of Matt (the Hub) is quite a phenomenon: The Hub has a whole week off frequently to schedule his stuff... extra procedures, clinics, fishing, haircut, basketball, POW WOWs, the list goes on.  For me, this is usually the week of torture, as his schedule comes crashing into ours with the force of a meteor!  I have learned to expect the unexpected - ie., notification of tomorrow's fishing trip... tonight.  He's an exceptional dad and hubbie, but, let's face it, having a week to do your will must be really nice; and it, unfortunately, usually messes up our schedule.

A hint of jealousy? Perhaps, because I don't have a week to get my stuff done - heck, I could solve world hunger and immunize at least two or three nations plus clean out the closets and defrost the freezer with a week off; not to mention, catch up on all my scrapbooking!!!  Let's face it, women are better multitaskers.  I often find myself feeding the kids, the dogs, the hammies, sweeping the floors, reading the mail, operating on an appendix, and giving birth all at the same time... and the kids still get to school on time!  Women amaze me.  We can comfort a crying baby, break up a sibling brawl, answer the door, water the plants, and talk on our home and cell phones simultaneously - show me a man that can do that!  Perhaps that's why he needs a whole WEEK to get his stuff done... I could do with a day, though.

Things You Know better than to do, but do anyway!

There are some things you know not to do, like put your head in an oven, or handle rattlesnakes - though some people do, and they are in my opinion very stupid.  And there are those things  that you do, and know not to, but darn it all you do it anyway!  Like weigh yourself.  For those of you that are able to do this without psychotherapy (emphasis on psycho), stop reading now. That probably includes you, Ms. BOS (BUNS-O-STEEL), and you know who you are! Yes, I got out the old battle-scarred scale and hefted myself upon it - it groaned, it moaned, and then, in great protest, spit out an obscenity... which would supposedly be my weight.

I lost consciousness.

I awoke to Satan Incarnate's nappy breath - and I brushed his teeth yesterday!  Thank goodness #4 was napping, cuz I then stripped naked (not nekkid - which is naked and 'up to something').  I tried again.

The lights went out again... I smelled sulfur (the dog?), and felt faint;  My knees were weak and my tongue felt fuzzy - so hoping it wasn't the dog!!!!  What in blue blazes is wrong with the scale?  I removed my jewelry, plucked my remaining eyebrows (hypothyroidism - FUN), flossed my teeth, cleaned the wax out of my ears, exhaled, and tried again.

Some how the scale launched through the house like a frisbee!  Must be a paranormal spirit or something!!!  Run to check on #4 - remember I am naked, so crawl to her room, to make sure no one sees me through the windows - and apparently there is much to see!!! 

How can this be?  The shorts I purchased last week fit BETTER than when I bought them, I measure my hips and thighs - I have no idea where my waist is any more - BETTER.  Boobs, well, they're just bigger and better, but I don't complain about that.  ARMS?  Better.  So, why in the name of all that is low fat and still tasty does the scale say "the same"?????

I know, muscle weighs more than fat, you work out, just had a baby, blah blah blah!!!!  Why is my body ( includes evil thyroid gland) against me?  haven't I taken fairly decent care of it? Fed it, cleaned it, clothed it (some decades better than others)????  Why has it turned on me NOW!!!!  Do I not strive for adequate rest, healthy activities, good healthy organic when possible foods, dessert on occasion?  Do I not restrain from drinking crappy wine ( I am a wine snob)?  Do I not were SPF 5000, drink plenty of caffeinated diet soda, belly laugh hundreds of times daily????  Where is the love, I ask you?????? 

In the love handles. And right now, I am not lovin' anything.  I have resolved to throw all common sense and knowledge out the window: no more reasonable eating, no more balanced diet;  THIS IS WAR!!!!  I vow to myself to eat only Nutrigrain Bars, blueberry or strawberry, drink Diet Coke, and snack on air!!!!  No more 8 8oz glasses of water a day - the old methods are no longer applicable - this is NEW TERRITORY!!!!! UNCHARTED!!!!  I will stand or fidget while sitting during ALL waking hours; I will become a pacer.  I will literally RUN to the bathroom!  I will become the crazy walking lady around town (we really have a lady and a man who both walk constantly everywhere - mental issues, ya think?)!  All bets are off! WITH MY FELLOW BLOGGERS AS MY WITNESS, THE SCALE WILL NEVER LIE AGAIN!!!  

Because the only other possible reason for the insanity is that the scale is wrong.  ANd I am too tired to start walking - and DANG it is HOT out there this time of day - so I am gonna go with this one for now.  The scale is wrong!  But I'm gonna throw it away anyhow.  

Things You Know better than to do, but do anyway!

THings I will/ will not blog about

We all need limits; gotta have our boundaries. This blog is about mine, today.  They may change in the future.  But don't worry, I'll let you know.

1. I will not blog about my sex life. I have four children... 'nuff said.

2. I might blog about YOUR sex life. Depends...

3. I will not blog about politics; that's your business, and quite frankly, I don't care or wanna hear about it.

4. I will not pass on meaningless, hurtful, unfounded gossip - that's what the phone is for.

5. I will tell the truth, except about my age and weight.

6. I will change names of characters to protect their identity, but not their innocence because if I blog about 'em chances are, they aren't that innocent.

7. I will use this space to express my ideas, morals, feelings, ethics, and relay funny/ interesting happenings in my life - just because you read it doesn't mean you have to agree... but it would probably help!

8. I will welcome your comments and take every opportunity to make fun of you if you don't agree with me - this IS my space!

Why Granola Mama : What It All Means

I've had quit a reaction from some friends to my self-title: Granola Mama. Therefore, I feel the need to explain how I arrived at this place in life.  Grab some coffee or a Diet Coke, and get comfy ladies; here goes.  I used to be 'Poshy poshy poo-poo' and a Dazzling Urbanite (per the Hub), adn there are parts of me that still are and still enjoy being that way.  However, my life took a drastic change ten years ago when The Hub and I moved to a small town and started a small family... which has now grown into a large family still in the same small town, and very happily so.  No longer could I remain stagnant - I had to change... adapt... evolve!!! So I did! I am still the same Opera singing, Diet Coke lovin' lady with so many new attributes!  THink of it as me, with broadened horizons and loosened leash!!!!  A more tie the skirt up around the knees wade through the crik kind a gal who'll pick up the crawdad for the kids... but wait! Are those toes, pearly and peekin' out of the water,  perfectly polished?  Yep!!! A slap on the dreaded satan suit and spend hours at the lake tubin' with the kids, and see an Opera LIVE with The Hub in Paris, France.  I also had the joy of seeing Pavorotti LIVE (on the 28th row) in Dallas several years ago, but had spent the morning with the kiddies at Veggitales LIVE!!! Talk about the complete spectrum of entertainment! I like jazz, and the jazz dance at my daughter's recital.  We are building out in the country (which in MH is only 10 minutes from town), but I plan to have more than an open fire to cook over.  You get the idea.  It reminds me of a nice yummy bowl of granola: grains and oats, nuts, fruit (OK - I'll take my own pot-shot... I'm a little fruity and nutty - ha ha ha) and I like honey on mine!!! Bunch a stuff all mixed together, but darn if it ain't GOOD!!! (I am from Texas originally - I can use ain't).  And just to show ya I mean it, I drink both bottled water AND water straight from the tap (in this country, that is - not when traveling abroad - that's just dumb there). Think about it; pretty good description of me, if I do say so myself!!!!  Night Ya'll!!!!