It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...

... The bleak tundra of Alaska's North Pole! Seriously.... but without the snow, so a tundra-less tundra. Only just as cold. Which makes no sense now that I am typing that, but that's pretty much where I am at!!

It's been a wild and crazy month: moved into new house, cleaned old house, unpacked new house (with some help from friends and family - special thanks to the Diet Coke deliveries and Papa John's), had garage sale with Sister Lunch Lady (now that was fun, though she needs to be renamed Sister Molasses!!!), took both female Masses to a pageant (that is entirely another blog), ran #1 to various dance events, thankfully entertained Sister M'Bellish and her beautiful family for Turkey day, and kept up all the rest... including dog training and getting children to school and feeding them and washing their dirty nasty clothes... which makes me think of the new exciting dirty nasty things which we have discovered in this past month...

SO, we should start there: the dirty nasty things category. Yeah, you THINK you've smelled some really gross things, and you probably have, especially if you have a child on the verge of 'tweening'. And you will identify with me when I tell you there are few things as pungent as the stinky feet of a said 'child on the cusp'. One night after #1 finished with dance (one frozen night), I picked her up and engaged in the usual niceties of 'how was dance?' 'did you have fun?' 'what did you learn?' Which was suddenly and rudely interrupted with:

OMG!!!!!! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?????? GOOD HEAVENS???? DID SOMETHING DIE BACK THERE??? DID YOU FART???? WHAT DID YOU EAT????

THAT'S YOUR FEET??????????????????????

She had removed her shoes after 3 hours of intense dance, in the car, which was enclosed, and the heat was on high, as it was 2 degrees outside (therefore rolling down the windows was on the 'cons' list.) This had to be addressed!!!

We stopped immediately at the store and picked up some foot powder, foot spray, foot pads, foot wipes, foot perfume, foot mist, foot deodorizer. IT WAS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS I HAVE EVER SMELLED!!!!!!! Note: with four children and various pets, I have smelled a lot. THerefore, please believe me when I tell you this was abnormally BBAAAAADDDDDD!!!!!

We wiped and washed and sprayed and deodorized and fluffed and buffed and perfumed and talcum-ed, and frankly, it only works for a while. The Stank returns. Like a bad boyfriend, or ginormous zit. It's there... lurking beneath the leather of her dance shoes... just waiting to rear it's evil head!!!

And we both know it. And I'm ready... OK, not really, but what choice do I have??? And it could be worse.

And it has been.

Thanks to Fat Annie the Very Bad Dog.

And her great adventure with all things dead and rancid; it would be titled: Ways to Kill Yourself Through Nature - Your Dog's Intestinal Tract on Dead Festering Wild Game Dinner.

But that's gonna have to wait til next time - gotta go make a cute gingerbread house with my Southern Living kids (this oughta be REAL messy!!!!)!

Deep Thoughts

Yes, it has been a while. And yes, I have been thinking blog-worthy thoughts; but, frankly, I have had little time, and little desire to blog after I offended someone. It was a big lesson for me. I never thought that many people cared or would read what I had to say, or rather think, and therefore, I expressed myself - and I tried to be funny, but that obviously flopped like and elephant on trapeze!!!

But I think it was good for me. As a writer, I expect to learn from each mistake. And learn I have. (and for all of you laughing that I fancy myself a writer, I am deeply offended) Anyway, I want to move on; and you want me too, too (grammatically, if that is incorrect keep it to yourself, please.).

So, I wanted to comment on the recent ad I saw at the Miley Cyrus Stripper Show. She had a new campaign going to 'Get Your Good On'. Interesting. Not the first one I've seen; don't forget the "Pass It Forward" campaign. And the many thousands I won't list to help our environment, help the needy, help the elderly, help ourselves. And all of these are GREAT!! Let me just say that upfront, so there is no confusion. I am all for helping, and being responsible, and going green, etc. But what has happened to our society when we have to be told to do good??

I'm not talking about a Good Samaritan event, here. I am talking about the every day little things we do to be polite and respectful to others, and ourselves. The things I watched my Grandaddy do for others without a second thought, because THAT WAS WHAT YOU DID - YOU TOOK CARE OF EACH OTHER. You didn't take advantage of one another, and if you did, well everyone knew; but people still cared to stop and help you fix your tire, because you were a part of their community, even if you were a little dishonest. People believed in each other; they believed that there was good in everyone; that we were all in this together; that you had to answer to a higher power for what you did... and it just might be your mama!!!! (she knew before you got home) People brought food when a baby was born, or when someone died, or when someone got married, or graduated... come on, this is the South, folks, and we are into our food!! But there was a sense of 'us', not 'we'.

I know all about generation X and Y and all that, but I want to tell you something, so listen well: we allow our children to develop a sense of unmitigated entitlement that is neither satisfiable by material goods or personal achievement. We tell them 'it's all about you', and give them whatever they want. We teach them to be unappreciative and blase about who they are inside - and they learn to care more about what they have. And as a Generation X'er, I know. I have watched countless friends that were so blessed growing up struggle as adults with who they are and where they are going now. Focusing on brand names and fancy cars and pricey jeans has taken the place of integrity, honesty, hard-work, and self-worth.

And now we are having to teach our children something different, something that will keep this world turning positively and without hate and war. And we don't know how. I was slightly offended by the campaign, because I believe I am teaching and doing this with my children and in my personal life; but perhaps I shouldn't be; perhaps I need to look at it as a way to reach those who are so desperately seeking some type of instructional manual to maneuver the rest of the way, or at least forward a step or two. Perhaps, I could be doing more too...

Kids say the darnedest things!

Like that wasn't going to be an issue here! Well, this one is about my dear sweet Sister M'Bellish's child, who is a delightfully verbose and precocious 4 years of age. Which means that she says things that make you pee yourself laughing, or hang your head in shame, or simply examine your life wondering if God is using her to teach you something (which He probably is, and that goes for the shame thing too - but man, do I hate it when He uses my kids to teach me!) This story will focus on the former, and therefore I advise you to make a pit stop before you continue reading.

READY?? OK. Sister M'Bellish, like so many of us, is teaching her children the correct anatomical terms for body parts: lips, eyes, hair, knee, feet, toes, vagina, penis... you get the point. Well, it appears that for Child #2, these lessons have not been in vain!

I taught #1 to call her girly stuff her vagina, which in her child-speak came out 'China' - now that oughta make anyone reconsider the phrase "made in China"!!! We have friends that teach their daughters that theirs are 'monkeys', coochies, hoo-hoo's, v-jay-jay's, and other various terms, which no doubt have been passed down through the generations... or more likely made up on the spot at prompting from said child to know what 'this' is!!

So, our dear Sister's child has evolved one step further - it has a personality! Child#2 tells Mom one day that she is having a bad day. Her head hurts, she's tired and her vagina just isn't right today. Hence, the birth of the "Bad Vagina Day"! Who knew the girly goody of a 4 year-old was so sensitive??? Personally, I would have responded in a way to deflect the comment... just make it go away. But not Sister M'Bellish - she is too funny and clever!! she tells her daughter that it truly is a rough day when your vagina isn't quite right!!!!

I'LL PAUSE WHILE YOU LAUGH!!!!

I wish I were so clever - that is some really funny stuff!! But wait there's more!!! So, the other day in the car, dear Sister and her child are rockin' out to the ever-classic, 'Brick House', when Child #2 says that her vagina feels funny. Sister thinks to herself... could she have an irritation, a rash? So she asks Child#2 the pertinent questions to diagnose the problem. Child #2 denies any of those issues. Then, Child says, with index finger pointed up by her face as if to signify the lightbulb flickering on:

"I know what it is... it's movin' to the music!"

SOMEONE CALL AMERICA'S GOT TALENT - I THINK WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!

I would like to recommend that Sister M'Bellish keep her off motorcycles, bicycles, the washing machine, and anything else that might cause it to move to the music for a looooonnnnnnggggg time!!! Otherwise, there might be a lot of explaining to do!!

Oh, and Child #2 also thinks her brother has a 'peanut'....

Heavenly Angels Sang

No matter how you view the start of school, there are those of us that view it as a true gift from the Good Lord Above! Yes, I love the Masses, and yes, I loved the summer with them... the whole summer... with them... together... all day... plus their friends....

So, I am happy to inform you that there are now three of the Masses enjoying the benefits and blessings of a very good public educational system here in our small yet booming Metropolis. And I would like to thank all those who make their public education possible - THANK YOU!!!! I admit, I really tapered off the blogging as summer wore on, as the masses frankly wore me out!!! We had fun, we had seasons in the sun, and now is the time for my favorite season of all - FALL!!!!!

I kicked off the fall with a nice pedi, and some new nails, which I do like ever so much (got 'em today!) And will start volunteering at the kindergarten on Wednesday, and thus begins the school year. Not a bad start. So far, I haven't had to force any to walk to school because they weren't ready, or forgotten to pick any one up... not bad... for now.

So what have you missed??? Well, #1 had a sleep-over with 10 of her 10 year-old friends, and I survived... barely!!!! And I made a quick trip to the Promised Land for a long weekend with the girls in the blessed city of San Antone... and I got to eat a little crow!! Yeah for me... well, except the crow part.

Seems that I have offended someone, and for that I apologize and take complete responsibility. Yes, it is dangerous to speak one's mind - THOUGH I TRY TO DO SO IN A JOKING FUN BELLY-LAUGHING WAY - someone may be listening. So, I apologize. Because I was wrong. And it is the right thing to do. And at least I know that I have that going for me... that and three of the Masses going to school AGAIN tomorrow! Later, ya'll... gotta go floss the 'crow' outta my teeth before I can get my funny on....

My New Regime

There are few New Regimes in the Wilson Household: one has to do with the Masses and their slovenly, childish ways (and since they are children, it is appropriate for me to find ways to train them up to be less swine-like, and more human... like); the other is my workout. I routinely engage a Medieval Torture Specialist (twice weekly) and enjoy 5 to 6 cardio workouts per week. I am motivated. I am motivated to fit into the 'skinny' jeans; motivated by swimsuit season; motivated by seeing my glaring white flesh naked in the mirror... and yes, it is STILL white.

The Hub... not so much. So I found a great circuit training series that is very cardio in its approach - the best of all worlds in under an hour! He'll love it. He will be motivated to do it! He will grow old with me and not die early leaving me to put the faucet covers on outside or fend off endangered woodpeckers by myself!!

And he does love it!!

And he is doing it!!

One catch... I am there with him.

Squat after squat, fly after fly, push-up to push-up, I am there... sweating and silently cursing the peppy bimbo (though I am really certain she is a delightful person, for the sake of my sanity I prefer to pretend she is a Food Nazi who works out 14 hours a day and is genetically a mutant; this makes me happy... so work with it) who's directing each excrutiating move and exercise!! And because I am a creature of habit (translate: a little OCD), I continue along with my REGULAR EXERCISE PROGRAM IN ADDITION TO 'GI JANE"S BURN YOUR BUTT OFF MAKE A BIG GIRL CRY' workout!!!!!

In short... even my eyelashes hurt!!! Now, the Hub's been manning up and saying yeah, I'm sore, but not terribly so... like YOU (raising eyebrows at me). And if he'd said it without raising his eyebrows I might refrain from telling you this (might is a big 'maybe'): I heard him cry like a little girl trying to sit on the toilet the other day!!!!

OK, that was a little bit of an exaggeration. But It Was Funny!!!!!!

Amazingly, all this pain has me thinking: what if I get all buff and beautiful (hey, that could be a soap opera title...), and then 30 or 40 years from now, when I am old and wrinkly and sagging, I hear someone say "she was once a real looker, but now..." What good was all the torture??? Face it: it's going downhill, folks... I'm just trying to slow the ball down, know what I mean???

So, I have come up with a whole New Regime for thinking: (drum roll) I'm gonna try to maintain what I have so that 30 to 40 years from now people say, ''Why, you haven't changed a bit!!!!" Just think!!!! I could be the gal who is JUST THE SAME as she was when she was... well, younger!!!! No, she's really porked out since then, or her muscle tone is shot, or her jowls hag low... No sireee!!!! Not me!!!! I could wear the jeans then that I wear now... if they are fashionable, of course!!

This has revolutionized my life!!! I am free!!!!

Except the Hub is expecting to workout today...

Summertime

The song from Porgy and Bess says the livin' is easy. Well, that's a BIG FAT LIE!!! I am totally exhausted!!! It's been soccer camp, and dance recital, and tennis, and art classes, and swimming, and laking...  What happened to sleeping in? Taking it easy? Lazy days of summer?? I'd like to speak to the management!!

Oh, wait, I AM the management.

This isn't looking good...

It started last summer, with letting the Masses try some new things, which is great and it is a good time with no school work and all, to try new things. And it sure kept them busy and out of my hair, which was never brushed because I was too busy flying out of bed and out the door. And they had a great time, and really, so did I. Fast forward to 2009. And we are on the same schedule, or at least a similar one. But I started the summer worn out, because all the neat activities from LAST summer somehow became year-round activities, and therefore continued through last fall, winter, and this spring.... which means I haven't had a break. Hence, I feel like I've been hit with a Mack truck, carried on the grill for about 25 miles, and endured the desert heat, polar snows, and hurricane winds and rain,... all while being pelted by giant horned winged angry slow-to-die bugs from some science fiction novel with large stingers. And my hair still isn't brushed. And yes, I do own mirrors and know what I look like. I am too tired to care.

So, today may be the ONE day of R&R... except the boys had some friends spend the night (which is no problem), and they are already up and going STRONG downstairs.. and it was 7:20 when this started. AM. However, they are in for a BIIIIGGGG surprise: NAPTIME!!!  YES! Today I will employ that good ol' summer tradition (lots of European and Central/ South American cultures have this sooooo right) of the afternoon nap, because frankly, I need one.

I just hope I can stay awake until then...

Bronze Goddess

I know you've been on pins and needles since reading about my self-tanning efforts. By now, you are picturing me as a bronzed goddess, no doubt. And since I used the 'firming' self-tanner, you are no doubt imagining me as a lean, mean muscle machine as well. That's how I imagined the results myself. Twice a day, I slathered and dreamed, slathered and dreamed. I became so proficient that I could slather mirror-less, which was better for my mental health. The self-tanner and I developed a close relationship... I was worried the Hub would be jealous of my commitment to the tanner!

What is that statement? Oh yeah, 'tan fat looks better than white fat'.

For those of you that uttered this phrase, live it, or even remotely thought it... may you struck with a thousand oozing boils and a really bad zit!!! Bronze goddess? Nothing could be farther from the truth!!!!

I AM STILL WHITE!!!!!

So, now, white-boy Hub has recommended a spray-on tan, with bikini so I have tan lines... because he thinks that's 'cool'. And he's declared that he thinks he wants one too! 

But I'm recommending he skip the bikini...